Sex addiction

[Stillinshock9]

After a 15 year relationship, and knowing him most of my life, I discovered that my dh had an affair with a transgender , I then discovered that he was leaving work to go to hotels and have sex with men, he watched porn, was on meet up website and was using crustal meth at his meet ups

Yes I have left him, but my question is, how the hell do I ever recover, how do I more on...I am floored

That's a lot to deal with and I'm sorry you've had such a terrible shock. It's no consolation but this is what recovery looks like. It takes a lot of time and it won't feel like you're getting anywhere sometimes, but you will recover. Have you been able to talk to anyone about your experience? Trusted friend? GP?

Yes I have spoken to a couple of friends, they have been great, but tbh I don't think they really know what to say

At least you've been able to talk to someone rather than feeling embarrassed into silence. You say you're floored. Are you able to function reasonably normally? Go to work? Eat? Sleep? Have you needed medical attention? Would you say you are depressed?

Counselling could be one solution to consider. I can imagine that you are feeling betrayed, not just as a DW, but as a woman. You'll be looking for reasons why he behaved in this bizarre way, maybe blaming yourself on some level, wondering why you didn't see 'signs' perhaps?

OMG bet you didn't suspect a thing or did you? Thank goodness you found out. Makes you think doesn't it? Once you are over this and you will you will be free to be yourself.

I'm sorry to hear of his such selfish betrayal.

How long since you left? What else is happening in your life? Dcs?

Surely sex addiction is hardly the issue here. Your ex is gay, isn't he?

No it is exactly the issue here ...it's all part of the addiction, he isn't gay

It's Six months since I found out but I am still reeling, I don't know if I will ever believe in anyone again

A friend of mine went through a similar experience , it was a nightmare for her but she did get better and received a lot of support

Try reading a book called Out of the shadows

There was a story in the news recently about Paul Ross doing something similar. This must have been a mind complete mind f**k for you. How did you find out? Do you have any DC?

" I don't know if I will ever believe in anyone again"

If you mean you think you'd find it difficult to trust someone after this experience, that would be a natural and sensible reaction. Bad experiences help to make us older and wiser. A little cynicism and suspicion acts a protective coating against getting hurt.

It's distressing in the short term and, if you're still struggling six months on, I would strongly suggest getting medical help. But please don't regard not believing in people as a bad thing.

I see Paul's wife says: 'I know 90 per cent of Paul is a good man. He's a good dad. I feel the sex was part of the mephedrone package, I don't see it as a gay relationship, I see it as part of the drugs.'

pitiful

Oh yes on the surface stbxh was a good father, but really how good a father can you be when you are risking your career, financial security and everyone's health...bullshit

this sounds less like sex addiction and much more like someone struggling to come to terms with his homosexuality to me.

If you really knew anything about sex addiction you would understand that it is part of the pattern...move onto new things to get the same high

Of course he's not a good parent. A good parent (to me at least) is someone who considers the wellbeing of their children above their own short-term impulses. He could have been a better parent perhaps if he'd been honest about himself and honest with you. A clean break end to the marriage would have been arguably less upsetting and more honourable than subjecting the whole family to the messy consequences of this behaviour

At what point was he diagnosed as having a compulsive disorder?

He went to therapy and rehab when I found out, he now has a sponsor and attends slaa...I actually don't engage in a conversation with him about it anymore

Apparently they did some sort of testing with him and he was off the scale

I'm so sorry this has happened. How are your children?

I think the first thing you need to do in order to come to terms with it yourself is to admit and accept that he is probably gay, even if he isn't yet ready to fully accept that he is gay. He has quite possibly always been gay. Nothing you could have done would change that. Forget the sex addiction thing, that's just clutching at straws and a way of you (or maybe him?) trying to soften the blow or excuse the awful nature and extent of the betrayal. He can't be healed or cured. He isn't ill. He's just gay. And in the throes of a rather seedy and pathetic midlife crisis as well, by the sounds of things.

You found out in a shitty way. He's behaved like an out of control, self-indulgent fool and he owed you much more than that. But it was never going to be an easy thing to find out, whichever way, was it?

Was he addicted to sex with you? Or just with men? Was he hooking up with women obsessively too, or just before he moved onto men? Or was it always just about the men?

What sort of porn was his preference?

I don't blame you. But I'm also not surprised that he only sought therapy after everything came crashing down and not before. You see it with similar behaviour... alcohol/drug abuse, for example. Unchallenged, it tends to carry on.

Why do you think you're still reeling? Is it still the shock of the discovery? Is more information coming out? Are you finding it difficult to still be in contact (for the DCs, for example)? Is it the absence of having someone to talk to? Is there something specific - something unresolved - that is keeping you stuck on the starting blocks?