Leaving me

[Bennybrains]

Just found out that my husband of 20 years has been having a relationship for the last two months, he says he was going to stay with me until our youngest child went off to university in two years, but now that I've found out his plans have changed, my son is due to do his GCSEs in three months, we can't do this to him now, so we are going to have to try and carry on as normal until then. My whole world has been blown apart and I'm struggling to know what to do.

So you are going to stay living with your stbxh for 3 more months?
It is going to be hell for you and your dc. Dont you think that asking your stbxh to move out will provide more stability for your dc?

So sorry. No advice, really, except to say keep posting-you'll get tons of support here. Do you have support irl?

Not sure I'm reading this right, but have you only just found out about this?

Last night, I had the feeling that something was up so I checked his emails, i know the next months are going to be hell but I don't know what else to do

What do you want to do? Can you manage to keep it all suppressed until exams are complete? Can he?

And then what about results day? And the intense first months of VIth form? Christmas? Jan/Feb tests? AS levels?

I realise that you're worried about upsetting your DS at a key time but do you genuinely think he and any siblings are going to be oblivious to the pair of you living in 'hell' for the next three months? Are you that good an actor?

Carrying on, and trying to be normal in a situation like this will drive you mad. I know.

I know you are all right but I'm so frightened, both the children are so close to their dad, for all his faults he's a brilliant father, I can't stand the thought of blowing their lives apart as well, having massive melt down at the moment and can't get it under contfrol

I'm so sorry. You must be in shock.

The other route is an ultra swift separation. Your 'D'H sounds as though he was planning quite cold bloodedly. You could do the same? Just eject him rapidly? Does he feel any guilt you could play on to get him out fast to minimise disruption? Then at least you'd be confident of a calm environment for DS and able to start to recover.

Bill it as a trial separation? Get some breathing space for you and some domestic calm for the DC, at least. This is disaster management. You can't put the clock back to all being well.

This has only just happened to me. On January 3rd this year. I found messages. My DH wanted us to stay together for the kids until we break up 'cleanly'. That meant he had his cake and eat it and I was in the foetal position crying with every bit of dignity I had leaving my body. I moved out with my 3 children 10 days later.

The relief I felt leaving that nasty cheating, lying bastard was immense. I have picked myself up and am getting there but I understand the agony of the beginning and the first realisation of the truth. The worst pain I have every felt.

Please chuck him out or leave. I will always regret that I didnt. My self esteem was too low. I wanted to protect the kids but in doing that I damaged them by seeing my severe pain and his sociopathic gloating.

Nothing will improve until you do, I promise.

If he's such a terrific Dad, he'd have thought a little more about the consequences of screwing around before he did it.... The pair of you splitting up doesn't necessarily have to blow your DC's life apart. If the only material change in the next few months is that Dad lives at a different address, the DCs may not react as badly as you anticipate. If you talk to your DS's teachers, you may be able to stave off a disaster in the summer. You don't have to tell the DCs all the gory details straight off.... that's the really upsetting part, finding out your beloved father is a sleazeball.

A) He doesn't get to decide what you do, or how long you do it for.

B) You haven't blown their lives apart. Your husband has already done that.

C) A massive meltdown is pretty much an appropriate and healthy reaction to last night's discovery.

OP you really, really have to get up to speed now. I know that every fibre in your body is resisting accepting reality but you have to in order to protect you and and your children.

Your husband is no longer your friend. You need to find other people in real life to be your support and your confidantes. Do not turn to your husband for support or share your worries with him. He is not acting in your best interests.

You need legal advice and quickly.

You need to figure out what works best for you and your children. Playing happy families whilst he has sex with another woman for another two years is unlikely to fit that bill.

I am so sorry you are going through this

I strongly recommend you get him to move out now. This will give your son time to adjust before the exam and minimise the problems for him (especially if his dad has regular contact with him)

If you try and fake it between now and the summer, he will pick up on that and the stress of it will take it's toll. I also think that, if it all blows up sometime just before the exam then you will have far less control in supporting your DS. The risk of a blow up is high because I, like other posters, do not see how you could manage to keep it in for all that time.

And you need to take control of what you want in this. Your husband does not get to call all the shots just because it suits him best

Get legal advise and make copies of important documents. Make a plant to move on with your life.

Plan not plant

Is OW married?

I strongly suspect that what he actually means is, it isn't quite convenient for him and for her to move out right now, he hasn't got his ducks all in a row as he had planned.

So, can you just be a submissive quiet little wifey for the next few months until he has everything in place for himself and OW and then he will be off thanks very much.

You really need to take back control. I would pack him a bag and send it to his mum/friend/OW and tell him your solicitor will be in touch.

Explain the bare minimum to DC - Dad has behaved inappropriately with OW and has to leave.

I think DH is using DC GCSE exams as an excuse, and is sucking you into this for his own reasons.

Good luck.

I know you are all right, I'm going to take a few days breathing space and get my daughter home from uni and then we will tell them together, this is such a bloody mess