8yo keeps asking 'but why are you splitting up, Mummy?' Please give me the words..

[Runbayou]

We told our DDs (6 & 8) that we were separating last night. 6 yo is totally nonplussed, but 8 yo keeps asking why we're breaking up. My pat answer about just not loving eachother enough is not cutting it..

The real answer is DP has struggled with depression/anxiety for years, we're completely different people and are fundamentally wrong for eachother, but obviously that explanation won't help a child.

It must be doubly difficult for her because we're being so lovely and nice to eachother at the moment - he is even helping me move all my stuff into my new rented house - so she is completely confused.

Help.

I wouldn't focus on the reasons why you are splitting up - more on the fact that you reassure her (as I'm sure you have) that both Mummy and Daddy will still be there for her and always love her and that won't change.

I'm glad it's amicable for you, it's not easy but it sounds like you have a good grounding for co-parenting.

I also would suggest you don't go into specific reasons but phrase it that it is a 'grown up decision' that is very sad but which is isn't going to change. If you present reasons, the temptation for the child is to find solutions. If you present it - sensitively - as a fait accompli and point out all the things that will stay the same in their life, they can start to adapt.

Just done this myself. I think less is more. All I said was something like "mummy and daddy still love you just the same but they need to live in different houses" and variations on that theme. Anything positive is good, and having been that 8 year old myself, I know that all I wanted was reassurance. I wasn't in the slightest bit interested why my parents were splitting, I just wanted to know they were still there for me.
If you know the separation is for the best, don't let guilt make you feel bad.

Focus on the fact that mummy and daddy keep falling out so find it hard to live in the same house and give examples of times your kiddies have struggled to get along with people. Tell them that if mummy and daddy live apart you will get along better. Its very important to stress to them that mummy and daddy love them very much and that wont change and in fact this way will help you both be an even better mum and dad. They must understand its not because of them. Good luck hun x

I agee with MummyBtothree but make that the smallest part.

Kids aren't so much worried about your narriage, more about how it's going to effect their world. Therefore the focus needs to be on how life will be for them and to reassure that both parents will still be in it.

This is a hard time for you, OP, and I can see how distressing you are finding it.

I agree with MummyBtothree that giving them a truthful but simplified explanation will help. It's important that they don't feel that there is a 'big secret' behind it. They are bound to be frightened at the prospect of change, so it might be a good idea to talk through what life will be like with them - so they can imagine it and get used to the idea. It's very important that they realise it isn't a loss, and perhaps to paint some of the positives where you can find them - they will have two houses instead of one to play in etc. etc. etc.