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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

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17 replies

Confused47 · 26/01/2015 02:36

Been with my partner just short of two years. During the start of our relationship, there was a female friend who I felt threatened by ( constant texts, visits at the crack of dawn etc). I was promised this was over due to our relationship being more important. In the meantime I have become very jealous and insecure.

I still swear there was at least an emotional affair. Nothing else has ever been admitted. Supposedly told that their friendship was in danger of ruining our relationship in August and she was told not to recontact. Couple of instances of texts on her behalf but no reply from DP.

Tonight we were enjoying a lovely night out after a hard weeek. DP got a missed call off a number he didnt recognise and asked me if I did. When he was in his call log I noticed she'd text last night (with a reply fom him) - this morning with a reply and at dinnertime with a reply. He swears she's bothered him but I have the same phone and know the icons mean he's replied, what's to say constant contact and visits hasn't been going on?

The whole thing has been turned on me for not bring trusting. I've been walking the streets for hours. I don't think I have any fight left. Already text OW and had a reply that she's not making anyone do anything!!

I have been physically sick and the most upsetting thing is he is asleep drunk. He doesn't even know I'm back safe and in the spare room.

OP posts:

MouseInTheSkirting · 26/01/2015 02:40

What did you text OW? Sounds as though there is texting but you don't know what's being said? You need to talk to your boyfriend tomorrow when he's sobered up. If this has been an issue from the start and it's only a relatively new relationship it might be time to bail.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/01/2015 02:46

It doesn't take multiple replies to text someone 'I'm in a relationship and happy, I won't be responding to you anymore'. Even if he has just been replying 'stop bothering me' or similar, I would feel massively betrayed by his actions.

Plus if you have cause to question whether your partner of two years has been visiting/contacting this person constantly, it's time to close this chapter of your life (though I get the idea you mean visits just from her to your DP - but still, that's bad).

Original poster

Confused47 · 26/01/2015 02:50

Thanks for replying so late/early in the day. I can't sleep. Just constantly thinking what I'm going to say tomorrow. He constantly has a go about my trust issues and jealousy and this happens.

OP posts:

Greenkit · 26/01/2015 03:26

If he is drunk upstairs have a look at his phone now

torontonian · 26/01/2015 04:36

In the first place, if nothing out of the normal was happening I don't think you had any right to ask him to break a friendship just out of your insecurities. You should work on your self esteem rather than putting unreasonable limits to your partner. If they were friends and just that before you two met, it is unfair for them and I understand that they still have contact. The wrong on his part was lying to you about shutting her down. But I would still consider him having his frienship "reduced" as a sign that you are important to him. I would not have accepted such imposition and said it clearly. However, I believe that the best for your relationship is to work on your insecurity and let him connect with his friends. Telling him what to do will just drive you apart.

torontonian · 26/01/2015 04:38

telling him what to do -> what he can do and what he can't, who he can talk and who he can't...

Original poster

Confused47 · 26/01/2015 07:37

Their friendship started at the same time we got together. We both know this person. I also didn't add that when we announced our relationship, she took him to one side and told him "thought you would have gotten the hint that I liked you by now".

My insecurities stem from this friendship. It was unnatural in my eyes I.e. me leaving for work at 5am and him secretly getting up at that time too and going to hers!!

OP posts:

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 26/01/2015 07:51

I think your feelings are totally justified. If I were in your position I would tell him to go to her. He has proven to be untrustworthy and disrespectful. Just end it and save yourself from more heartache.

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 07:53

Why do people get in to these dramas? Tell him, "I'm not going out with someone whose behaviour makes me feel like this. Bye".

Original poster

Confused47 · 26/01/2015 13:14

Nice and supportive vivacia. A thing called love gets us there. I didn't ask to get in drama.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/01/2015 13:20

I was suggesting that you don't have to get drawn in to this. Don't get involved in her life. By not setting very clear boundaries on how you expect your boyfriend to treat you you're certainly accepting this drama.

On our second "date", my now DP and I bumped in to a friend-sometime-FB of his. She hated me on sight and immediately started flirting with him, giving me dirty looks etc. I took him to one side and told him he was welcome to spend the rest of the evening with her, but if thought I'd sit there and tolerate this, let alone compete with her, he had another thing coming.

BeeRayKay · 26/01/2015 13:30

Yeah from what you've said you should leave him

When I first got with my now DH, I had a close male friend whom I'd known longer, but not my much, things got messy. He said he had feelings for me, I said too little too late, but continued to talk with him and discuss things like his feelings....

DH found out, firstly he shouted alot. Then he calmed down and said how hurt he was. Because I really wanted things to work with us, I contacted said friend of my own volition and said that we couldn't be in contact as it wasn't fair on my then boyfriend and I wanted us to work out.

The key thing here is, I did that because I wanted my then boyfriend (now husband) more than I wanted the friendship with the other person....

Your "D"P is clearly saying the opposite.

Quitelikely · 26/01/2015 13:39

If I was you I would walk away from this relationship. He leaves for her house at 5.30am? Hmmm

You have told him the friendship made you unhappy but he still decided to deceive you time and again.

You said above love got you into this, well relationships need love, trust and respect to work. Sadly there are a few vital components lacking in this relationship and unfortunately love does not conquer all.

I imagine if you ditched your BF he would be straight round to see the OW.

Let him go and join online dating or something to take your mind off him.

shovetheholly · 26/01/2015 13:48

I think your DP needs to be completely honest with you about what's going on. Full disclosure, including the texts.

I wouldn't leap in with LTB or 'he's definitely cheating' yet. I don't know the whole circumstances, and nor do you by the sounds of things. The woman in question may be vulnerable, needy, and an old friend. There ARE possible innocent explanations for this. However, I don't blame you for having doubts, particularly as he's clearly lied to you. It's definitely time to find out.

Trust isn't just a notional thing - it's also a practical thing and there is nothing wrong with a culture of openness in these circumstances (i.e. you both have reciprocal access to phones, email, you name it).

PasstheDaimbars · 26/01/2015 17:21

Hang the fuck on here.

He's going/was going to see her at 5:30am???

Call me dirty minded but I can't think of any innocent reason to go visit someone at that time in the am.

And she see's nothing wrong in asking for a visit at 11pm. . . .

Jaded2004 · 26/01/2015 17:37

My exh did this, he's probably cheating although you will never know unless one of them tells you for sure.
He is betraying your trust and regardless of how he words it he is putting her first if you have made it clear you don't want him to be in contact with her.
Confront him, listen and then make an informed decision.

RaisingMen · 26/01/2015 18:29

You know in your heart this isn't right. What exactly were they doing at 5.30am? Drinking coffee and watching the news?
He has deceived you and continued to be in contact with this woman. He is still lying to you even though he's been caught. You deserve better, let her have him - he's no prize that's for sure.

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