I have been married for 3 1/2 yrs. We have a four 1/2 yr old DD and I am pregnant at mo. Moving house soon to large 'grown up' type house in affluent area. Both have good jobs, nice holidays, posh meals out and nice friends etc. But this is how I feel inside:
Husband started to bully me within weeks of DD being born. Was a vulnerable time and I would often go into shock at rude / nasty things he says. Its been going on ever since. Great dad but nasty and puts me down over domestic chores. Expects house to be spotless at all times. Eg. when I was on mat leave last time if he came home from work and I was washing up he would make critical remark about me not having done it earlier in day, never looks me in eye or says hello, glances around room scanning for 'mess'.
If I have a drink and then get up to leave room temporarily (e.g. to go to the loo) he was snapily ask why I haven't taken my glass to the kitchen, often when I am planning to return to room to finish drink. A great deal of time since moving in together 6 yrs ago has involved him goading / critising / nagging me. I am not a slob or lazy. I do my best. Sometimes I get tired and demoralised but that is because of him.
After a year or so of this going on, I lost quite a lot of self esteem. I also heard him flirting with colleagues a lot on the phone (he works from home) and started to feel worse. Things started to unravel and I became more and more tearful and 'victim-like' whenever he had an outburst. I felt awful a lot of the time.
By 2 yrs I had unravelled to the point, where, completely unplanned, I was out drinking with work colleagues on night (I rarely let my hair down) and I randomly snogged a guy from my job. Obviously I was shell shocked by what I had done, but then I went into a dark spiral and somehow formed a crippling obsession with the guy - even though I had known him for several months and never really noticed or had an interest in him.
Over the next six months, my husband continued to be spiteful and unsupportive. One day I fell asleep on the couch during the day (totally unlike me - and he does this all the time?!) and he went ballistic at me because I had got behind with my chores. I was in tears and he never apologised for over-reacting.
Anyway, during this period, I slept with the guy from work twice. I was totally relentless and would stop at nothing to gain his attention / affection.
He didn't treat me particularly nicely. I think he knew I was a bit obsessed with him and he was a bit of an opportunist (fling with a married woman etc). He never made any promises about a relationship, but the cooler he was with me, the more fixated I became.
After six months of this, I blurted out to husband what had happened. Partly because I hated my husband. Partly because I was in self-destruct mode. Partly because of some wharped idea that if I was single then boy from work would dump his g'friend and go out with me instead....
Things obviously got very bad and marriage was hanging by a threat. Boy refused to talk to me. I walked out on my job suddenly.
18 months later...
My married is ok-ish, after a year of intense arguing and going around in circles about whether to stay together. Well I'm pregnant again and we're moving house. However, there is no physical relationship (apart from a couple of times), we don't sleep in the same bed and haven't done for ages. He still bullies me over crumbs or mess etc but I am so well trained now I do things in anticipation of his reactions (rather than of my own free will) which doesn't feel normal to me.
Additionally, its been 18 months since I saw the guy from work. I think about him every day. Google him. Day dream about him. Sometimes cry. I imagine bumping in to him. It feels miserable. I secretly spent £400 on a hypnotherapy course six months ago (just before I fell pregnant), but it didn't work.
I am also scared that when our second baby comes and we have a bigger house to look after I won't be able to meet my husband's domestic expectations.
I feel scared of what will become of me.
I know I've behaved terribly but I just don't know how to take control of my life or feel happy. I haven't even been hugged or kissed in six months and I feel a bit lost. Its a stupid life, pregnant and living in a lovely big house, sitting in bed on my own obsessing about someone who never cared about me and I haven't seen for 18 months.
Sorry for ramble. I've sort of grown tired of this narrative myself (and so have my close girlfriends I suspect). Any guidance welcome xx