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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Verbal abuse and I just can't seem to leave him

14 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/01/2015 00:14

It starts off with an innocuous comment that means nothing from me, like a joke and develops into a full blown rant from him where he brings up all the bad stuff from the past and basically calls me "thick" and "retard".

The horrible thing is that I always say to him "you know, this has come out of nowhere and there really is no need for this". He then laughs in my face and tell me that I have remembered the conversation wrong.

I have just told him to fuck off and die. I have had enough of the gas lighting and enough of the abuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/01/2015 00:15

I apologise if I offend with the use of the R word. It's not my language, I would never use it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/01/2015 00:16

He then laughs because I have become agitated and tells me this is why he cannot have a reasonable conversation with me. Apparently I'm nuts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/01/2015 00:21

I've just realised my name is different, so you won't know the background of this.

Been together five years, found out from his wife that they weren't divorced, only separated after being with him for a year and a half.

He is absolutely beautiful 90% of the time when alcohol is not involved. He is caring, tidy, sexy, very cuddly and absolutely beautiful to look at, cuddle and be with. I am so hopelessly in love with him and I think I ahould be honest about that when also talking about the verbal abuse stuff.

It's like something switches after he has had a few. Suddenly, everything I have ever done is up for discussion and it's awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/01/2015 00:34

OP posts:

TheCowThatLaughs · 04/01/2015 00:39

What an arsehole! Have you got children with him? He's abusing you in various ways and it must be chipping away at you mustn't it?

Original poster

Grapeeatingweirdo · 04/01/2015 00:43

No children with him which is a mercy I think.

OP posts:

jackydanny · 04/01/2015 00:47

Oh dear.

Do you think he has a drink problem?

This type of stuff usually escalates and in a few years you may feel like the person he says you are and be unable to leave.

TheCowThatLaughs · 04/01/2015 01:32

The alcohol could be a red herring really. People who are abusive are nice a lot of the time and nasty for the rest of the time, whether they drink or not. He probably just chooses to carry out his abuse of you when he's had a drink. He wants to behave like that, he has chosen to

MaudWilsonsPoodle · 04/01/2015 17:06

But you have DC not with him?

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/01/2015 17:34

Why are you unable to leave him exactly?

MyTeethAreChattering · 04/01/2015 17:37

I have had enough of the gas lighting and enough of the abuse.
So what are you going to do?

tipsytrifle · 04/01/2015 17:38

Does he actually live with you? He sounds like not quite the catch you deserve. How did you feel when you found out he was separated rather than divorced? That's quite a big lie. It might be said that since, operatively, he wasn't with his exW it doesn't matter, but it does when you were deliberately led to believe one thing and it was, in fact, another.

Speaks to me of someone who likes to have his own way because he's kinda worth-it and superior at least in his own mind. How did exW come to share the details with you? Did she say who left who and why?

I think alcohol is a problem here but his ego might be the bigger issue.
Not to mention your tolerance level. I'm sorry for the verbal abuse you're having. Suspect that verbal entails emotional abuse too.

Sorry if I have over-interpreted

emm0371 · 04/01/2015 17:54

Devil in the home, Angel in the streets.

This is not going to stop and will only escalate. Later down the line, if you stay with him, he will not need the alcohol to downgrade you at home or outside in public. I think you already know this and your gut instinct has already shouted at you the facts that this man, however sweet, charming and hot he is, he will twist and turn everything you say, confuse you and play with your mind until you DO believe you are nuts, stupid and deserve the treatment from him and not the good life. His alcohol intake will just be the cover up, or “darling I was drunk” excuses will fallow after every fall out. You know what to do. You are NOT stuid.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 18:48

90% 'beautiful' is irrelevant when set against abusive behaviour. If you can't seem to leave then please seek help to give you strength. Even if all you do is decide it's over, that can flick enough of a switch to start you putting one foot in front of the other. Tell a trusted friend perhaps? Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Work out how you could get from here to happy, non abusive independence.

Good luck

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