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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you get out wen your financially trapped

26 replies

ilovevino · 03/01/2015 22:56

As the title says really. Fed up with this controlling prick! I need to go but I can't afford my own place. Just feel trapped.

OP posts:
however · 04/01/2015 00:00

More info needed. Kids? Job? Married? Renting? Family around? Debts?

a2011x · 04/01/2015 00:12

The first thing that comes to mind is do you have somewhere else to go? This is what matters the most and everything else can be resolved once your out, providing your renting.

heyday · 04/01/2015 04:59

With no background information it's difficult to advise. Living costs nowadays are very high so their are lots of considerations to take into account.
Perhaps with some more info from you we can give more suitable advice.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 04/01/2015 05:20

If you have children under five, as a single parent you should be entitled to income support, rent and housing benefit. If over five, then jobseekers, rent and housing benefit.

If you would struggle for a deposit, your local council may be able to help with either council housing or a deposit for a private let.

The above might not be your first choice but the financial support can help people to make a new life, independent of an ex.

If you are suffering abuse (your mention of control and lack of funds made me wonder) then call women's aid, who'll be able to give you specific advice and support, based upon your circumstances.

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 10:30

Sorry for the late reply, I don't have any children although I do have a dog! Which obviously makes house share etc difficult. I earn ok wages in sales but my outgoings are quite high as I'm paying off some debt I have...... About 10k left to pay. My partner brings up every time we argue that he lets me live with him rent free, even though he has no mortgage but when I offer to pay something he won't except it so I can't win.

He has three children, one ds who is 14 and two younger ones from another woman that he's had nothing to do with until 6 months ago and it's putting a massive strain on our relationship as they stay 2 nights a week, which I have no problem with but the days get constantly moved to suit the mother who is really into clubbing...... Still, at 48 and when he feels he can be bothered! I'm always being let down. Yesterday he was supposed to help me with something that had been planned all week but I get a text Saturday saying "just to let you know I'm having the children tomorrow now" That's it..... No apology or anything. He hates my friends and I feel like gradually he is chipping away at everything I like or love.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 10:56

If you're single, childless, have a reasonable source of income and the only real barrier is your dog then I think you have to dig deep and find the motivation to locate a suitable home. There will be one out there - lodging in a room in a private home with another dog-lover for example - but it may take a lot of phone calls and a bit of shoe leather to find it. Nothing worth having just lands in your lap.

If you're really fed up you'll make the effort.

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 11:05

You are right, I feel like I don't want to just throw it all away but the situation is getting worse not better. I've been totally pushed to one side. He bought me a really expensive Christmas present so he thinks that makes up for it!he has a five year plan but none of it has been discussed with me, says it all really

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 11:11

Maybe it would help to think of it as not 'running away' (or throwing away) but 'running toward'.... a better life?

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 11:31

That's a good way to look at it! Had a row this morning and just feel sick of it! Can't seem to get things under control and have the shakes. It's always me that has to apologise otherwise he won't talk to me for days and I can't bear it. I hate living in that house, it's not a home to me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 11:37

Abusive, bullying environments are never home. 'The shakes' are the anxiety that comes with being subjected to abuse.

Come on... get out the newspapers, get on the internet, talk to some letting agents, set some rabbits running, make inquiries about top up benefits... Anything you do, no matter how small, will give you a small feeling of accomplishment and control.

You have a lot of choices.

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 11:50

My parents have said I can go to theirs which Is lovely of them but my mum isn't really into animals and I worry my dog will upset her, she's super tidy. They have a little flat which I can rent but a member of our family is in their while her house purchase is going through then it has to be renovated so she could be there for 6 months! I suppose at least by then I'll have made my mind up if things are still the same

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 11:53

You realise a lot of the 'trap' in your title is of your own making? Don't mean to sound harsh but your DM has offered you a place to stay, she knows you have a dog, she has presumably factored that into the offer and yet you're dismissing it out of hand.

When you get to the end of your life, it won't be the mistakes you made that you regret.. it'll be the opportunities you passed up for no good reason.

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 12:01

It's just hard letting go, was in this situation 5 years ago and now I'm back there again

OP posts:
Somethingtodo · 05/01/2015 12:16

Move in with your Mum asap - look forward to the little flat - get your dog out for nice long walks - and start a fresh new life....who knows what is around the corner if you do this....if you dont change anything all you can expect is more of the same.....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 12:28

I know it's difficult making the break. I really do understand. However, if someone is offering you a rope ladder out of the trap, I'd urge you to take it even if it isn't ideal. Every day you spend with this bully, the lower your confidence will get and the harder it will become to break free

What happened five years ago?

davejudgement · 05/01/2015 12:50

can you sell the Christmas present?

Mrscog · 05/01/2015 12:52

Make sure you take that expensive Christmas present with you, and flog it. Use the proceeds to help start your new life free of him.

Are you on the debt free threads on here? They're great and really supportive, you might find ways to decrease your outgoings and/or pay off your debts more quickly.

Fattyfattyyumyum · 05/01/2015 13:00

You've been living rent free while paying off debt. This is not financially trapped by anyone but yourself.

get a flat share or move in with your mum. 10k is not a huge debt, you could reduce over payments to free up some income for rent etc

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 13:03

Yes can deff sell the present! 5 years ago chucked my ex out and moved in with my mum. Grown man who spent too much time with his Xbox and liked a smoke if you know what I mean. I had to basically look after him, he couldn't cook,clean or fend for himself. Went to work but used to walk through the door at 5 and put his feet up, I was getting in at 8 and having to cook dinner etc, that was another waste of 6 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 13:04

Thanks Mrscog I will have a look, nota huge amount to pay back but I'm struggling to clear it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 13:06

Have you sought debt advice from CAB or similar? Have you ever looked into the possibility of bankruptcy? You don't seem to own any assets and your income is clearly nowhere near enough to pay off a debt of £10k.

Theresadogonyourballs · 05/01/2015 13:12

Just a word of caution regarding bankruptcy - if you are planning to take a private rental at any point, lettings agents will do a credit check on you, and they are very unlikely to offer you a tenancy if you are recently declared bankrupt.

Original poster
ilovevino · 05/01/2015 13:24

I earn 30k. Won't be going bankrupt over 10k. Just try harder to get it sorted. My outgoings are high but I can make cut backs

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 13:37

Can you make cut-backs if you go and live with your mother? Because I think you have to plan for independence as a given and then work the maths around it. Not plan to stay where you are until you've paid off the debt.

Mrscog · 05/01/2015 13:40

Here you go www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2258202-Debt-mutual-support-thread-number-6-start-the-new-year-with-a-clear-purpose-and-keep-moving-forwards-even-by-tiny-steps

I'm not on there - I'm a lurker as I don't have any debts but find it a very motivating thread to help me spend less and save more :D