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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A bit emotional had sex with a friend

26 replies

DiscombulationDiva · 01/01/2015 19:37

Ok so I have a friend we are both in our 40s. I've liked him liked him for several years but we were never single at the same time. He knows this.

Last Christmas we fell out as he was just out of a relationship and sent me a few mixed messages. I kept my distance.

This Christmas we get talking again, had a bit of a laugh about falling out and I invited him round to my house for drinks 2 days ago.

The evening went well we talked about loads of stuff, he remembered conversations we had before. he invited me round to his place to look at work he'd done. we talked about it not being a one night thing & I said about him being only the second person I slept with.

We dtd, it was nice and not just a shag iykwim.

I text him the next day with a fruity reference and got polite answers + a vague agreement to meet next week. It wasn't curt but it seemed distant. I text happy NY & got a polite reply but no conversation.

I am really emotional today, think I'm being blown out. Haven't had much experience of all this so don't know if I'm overthinking.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/01/2015 19:56

Oh god, why do people do this? That is a terrible way for him to respond after sleeping with you - there are no excuses at all. People like this should come with a warning light on them, or trousers that don't unzip or something.

something2say · 01/01/2015 19:58

I think the mistake is that you see him as a friend. I never see a man I would sleep with as a friend.

heyday · 01/01/2015 22:17

The dynamics of your relationship has totally changed now; from friendship to bed mates.
He may well be feeling a bit embarrassed or concerned that you may now want some committment, which he may not want.
If I were you I wouldn't contact him again. Wait to see if he contacts you.
I can understand why you may be feeling a bit emotional but you will probably just have to put this one down to experience and move on.
Whatever he may have said on the night, it looks like it wasn't the whole truth.
Don't be too hard on yourself ok. These things happen sometimes.

lalalonglegs · 01/01/2015 22:22

A man in his 40s really should be able to act with more grace than this. You have my symoathies Flowers.

lemisscared · 01/01/2015 22:27

what a horrible way to behave :( don't text him any more and don't be his booty call. quite frankly after dtd he should be falling over himself to spend time with you but he is avoiding. He is definitely not your friend

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 22:33

So you didn't really talk for a year, and then met up again this Christmas and got on well? Regardless, it does sound like one-night stand territory now. Dignity, dignity, dignity and no more texts.

Vivacia · 01/01/2015 22:33

(I don't think he's behaved that badly at all).

thaiglish · 01/01/2015 23:00

what a horrible way to behave sad don't text him any more and don't be his booty call. quite frankly after dtd he should be falling over himself to spend time with you but he is avoiding. He is definitely not your friend

Why? The OP described it as 'nice', maybe he thought differently. It's hard to understand why you think he should be 'falling over himself to spend time with her' - is this a precondition for mutually agreeing to sex now?

Isetan · 02/01/2015 09:59

Your expectations of your encounter were greater than his, for you it wasn't just a shag. I agree, that this was probably was a ONS and to chalk it up to experience.

Given that you were NC for a year, it doesn't even sound like there is a friendship to salvage, so don't call him.

Lovingfreedom · 02/01/2015 10:46

Sounds like you were both up for the shag and had a nice time. He's letting you know through his curt replies that he doesn't want to take it further.

Mrsgrumble · 02/01/2015 10:49

It was a one night stand for him. I wouldn't pursue it at ll.

But I do feel fr you it's horrible to feel used

hotblacktea · 02/01/2015 11:33

sounds like a horrible twat to me, go nc and forget about it, better to see his true colours now

lemisscared · 02/01/2015 11:35

Because previous to this they were friends! I have had enough one night stands in my past to know how it works - but now he has shagged her he no longer wants to be friends? nice

however · 02/01/2015 11:42

Well according to the OP they talked about it being 'not just a one night thing'. I think he's behaved badly, and was probably aware the OP was more invested than he.

peggyundercrackers · 02/01/2015 11:53

I don't see what he's done wrong, I certainly don't see why he should be falling over himself to be with you because you've slept together. After not having a relationship for a yr I don't see that as a friendship really - you had a 1 night stand and he's not that into you but he seems to be being polite.

Vivacia · 02/01/2015 11:56

They were friends that had a falling out a year ago and hadn't spoken for 12 months.

They talked about it being a one-night stand but it unfortunately turned out to be one.

This isn't a popular opinion, but if I were after a relationship I wouldn't sleep with someone so quickly. It's how I'd protect myself.

TheKhalisirules · 02/01/2015 12:05

'bad boys make smart girls do stupid things'.
My daughter when telling me about her usually confident best friend, after ending up as a booty call for someone she considered a friend.
It is easier said than done, diva. No matter how old we are.
But I do agree with others saying he is not your friend.
If you don't already, get yourself a diary and write all the texts you want to send him in it. It will take a while, but at some point the urge to text him will go away.
Of course it hurts. One night stands only work for both when both know its just a hit and run. A one night stand 'in retrospect' feels worse when the person knew you intimately. And this man knew you expected more.
Good luck, my dear.

Original poster
DiscombulationDiva · 02/01/2015 13:44

Thanks all. Deleted all contact numbers, blocked on social media, deleted existing messages so I don't obsess. Just need to get him out of my life x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 02/01/2015 13:52

I think you've done the right thing. Be gentle with yourself for a few days.

DeckSwabber · 02/01/2015 13:55

He might just be feeling a bit panicky that he has slept with you when you have a lot invested and people might get hurt. He might be worrying about it and needing to think it through.

Leave it for a bit. And don't have any expectations.

BobbyBingoooo · 02/01/2015 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 02/01/2015 19:04

Ffs what an eejit.

VanitasVanitatum · 02/01/2015 19:10

Doesn't sound like you have lost a real friend; whatever anyone says about him not having behaved badly etc, if he was supposed to be a friend and he knew you didn't want a one night stand then I feel he has been a bit pathetic.

Fair enough if it didn't work for him/he's changed his mind, (assuming he's not just a total dick who always knew he only wanted a ons) but he should have the decency to tell you. Just ignoring is immature and unfair.

MairzyDoats · 02/01/2015 19:11

God, are there any adult males out there? What an idiot.

SqueeksAway · 02/01/2015 19:39

It's really hard having sex with a male friend - men can't handle it!

Weirdly i had sex with a friend mon/tues too but we were both happy about what was likely to happen beforehand n that we wouldn't have a 'relationship' afterwards tho maybe go to bed again if we both want it still single etc. We both talked/texted a lot Weds Thurs n gone quiet today - that situation is okish (although a little bit of me thinks oh he is so gorgeous)

But I have had another guy get in touch a 'friend' who is definitely up for benefits for this weekend but I know that i want to have a proper loving partnership with him hed be hard to resist we are friends get on brilliantly loads of chemistry but I know he'd be the same as your friend - an overgrown teenager who would ride off into the sunset n forget me til next time (well right now he would - I might change him *cries with laughter)

So I really really sympathise Flowers

My only suggestion is never block n delete as these man-children don't understand or justify themselves being a twat - just forget them