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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there hope?

18 replies

whitecandles · 29/12/2014 09:28

Like, are there actually nice, decent men out there who won't dick you about?

I'm starting to doubt it.

OP posts:
TipsyMcStaggers · 29/12/2014 09:31

There are definitely Smile

Do you want to say what's happened?

RainbowMamaDarling · 29/12/2014 09:49

Yes there are. 100% it's just unfortunate that one sometimes has to sift through the shit to find them.

Only1scoop · 29/12/2014 09:50

Not many.

Joysmum · 29/12/2014 10:12

I've got mine, so yes Smile

Original poster
whitecandles · 29/12/2014 11:31

Tipsy just got dumped. Again. I have BPD so this stuff really fucks me up.

Tired of the whole thing.

OP posts:
TipsyMcStaggers · 29/12/2014 13:00

Bugger I'm really sorry Sad Flowers

Are things salvageable?

Your head's probably really fucked up, I know mine would be Flowers

Original poster
whitecandles · 30/12/2014 01:08

no they are not.

I am a mess.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:39

Borderline personality?

Do you have someone to talk to?

As to your original question, I don't know. I'm beginning to think all the women saying that there are decent men are deluded, misguided or knowingly lying to themselves.

That's what all the evidence is pointing towards anyway :(

TheyThinkImCool · 30/12/2014 07:48

Yes there is, I've got mine Smile

superstarheartbreaker · 30/12/2014 08:06

I think op means are there any decent SINGLE men out there. Not one half of a loved up couple.

GingerbreadPudding · 30/12/2014 10:22

Yes there are. I think the key is not putting up with a man who is slightly crap who you hope you're going to change; that was my mistake for years. Not saying that's what you've done, but it was the reason I was in vaguely rubbish relationships for years. In the end I met a man who is lovely and I was able to recognise this as I knew what crap to look out for.

Original poster
whitecandles · 30/12/2014 11:37

FolkGirl I have a good therapist, yes.

I don't know a single guy that would make a good partner. Even my best friend, who is a guy...nope. He is lazy and unreliable in relationships.

GingerbreadPudding - you're right. I KNOW I won't change them, that I should believe them when they are telling me they are crap and unreliable and sketchy...I KNOW they are. I know that the minute they make me cry, I should bail. But. Somehow. Every time. I go for it with massive amounts of gusto and then I end up sobbing on the floor when it all goes tits up.

But I have not yet met a single man who has not treated me badly.

WHY for fuck's sake.

OP posts:
newstartforme · 30/12/2014 11:55

How old are you white candles ?
I think most of us go through the crapness of getting dumped at some point except for the lucky few !
I had it myself a month ago .. I felt like total shite ! But I have to admit I did ignore some red flags ! Think I was in lust and just keen to bag him.
Now a month on my mindset has altered ...
You will be okay .. It will take a bit of time. Just remember he will do this again to some other poor bugger .
What ever you do do not contact him ! It lol blow up his ego even more

candyce83 · 30/12/2014 11:58

Maybe you need to focus on why you are ending up with these men in your counselling? I think who we are attracted to is subconscious and mainly to do with how we were raised.they say we are attracted to people most like the parent we have the most issues with...just a thought..

Original poster
whitecandles · 30/12/2014 12:05

I'm 31. I've been dumped so often it's like my main hobby.

Oh I won't contact him. I blocked him on every possible app he could contact me on.

candyce83 the thing is he seemed SO different to every other man I've been with. So willing to make a commitment and always doing nice stuff for me...then it all turned to shit.

I have massive issues with both my parents. But I think I do always end up with men who are like my dad - really emotionally distant.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 12:06

Tbf candy bpd is often as the result of dysfunctional relationships in a person's upbringing so it's probably being dealt with. It's just that the resulting felings are very overwhelming and what does and doesn't make sense starts to break down.

I think...!

candyce83 · 30/12/2014 13:01

I know what bpd is I dated someone with it for 2 and a half years. Every person with bpd is different. What may be true for one BPD the opposite may be true for another. What I meant was maybe you need to go into why you're being so accomadating to people who aren't the same with you? I'm not sure if you're ready for a relationship if you're willing to be walked all over...

MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2014 20:18

WhiteCandles I am sorry this has happened.

Every time I log into MN and read another relationships horror story I become a little bit more cynical.

One thing that BPDs often do without realising is the push me - pull me game. I am not BPD but in my twenties I did this a lot. I would reel them in, push them out, cry in a heep, pick myself up and play again, until they decided they didn't want to play anymore. It is exhausting and very detrimental to relationships. Luckily for me mine was linked with horrendous PMT, when this was resolved, the behaviour resolved. But I also found a good guy who understood and stuck around. Luck maybe.

Whatever is going on, you need to be resilient and strong to make the best relationship decisions and make it work. Keep at the counselling and working on yourself, and one day it will all work out ;)

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