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Original poster

long term relationships vs the opposite

26 replies

creativeme · 19/12/2014 20:19

Hi, just dating at the moment after coming out of a long term relationship and there is one guy I am seeing tomorrow night for dinner, he is 3 years younger at 36 and hasnt had a long term relationship, none have been over a year, should I be concerned?

He says he wants to be my man, (interesting statement so soon) but I am thinking I will be the person who makes that decision, surely?. Would anyone be asking him on a second date "have you ever had a long term relationship!" do you think I should, just thinking if its too forward or important to raise it as I met him online. He seems to be on a site where its about meeting long term partners, so not sure what to think...or should I wait?

thanks for reading

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 19/12/2014 20:42

Is this your first date?

FolkGirl · 19/12/2014 20:43

Your first date with him, I mean.

MadeMan · 19/12/2014 20:47

"He says he wants to be my man, (interesting statement so soon)"

I was going to say there's no need for concern... until I read this bit; is he a male stripper by any chance?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 19/12/2014 21:16

You're seeing him tomorrow night for dinner...have you met him before. If not, he'd be coming on far too strongly for me and I'd cancel.

Original poster
creativeme · 19/12/2014 21:16

lol a male stripper, with his body I think we may be pushing it there!! :)
its a second date...

OP posts:
Original poster
creativeme · 19/12/2014 21:20

i have met him before sorry yes this is actually our third date, my mistake and he mentions he wants to treat me for dinner. I remember him saying if someone doesnt drink its a deal breaker for him..when he says he wants to be my man is he after one thing??

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 19/12/2014 21:26

He's 36. He may be desperate. This doesn't mean that you are desperate or undesirable, just that he may be one of those people who's hit a stage of 'OMG I have to marry and breed and life is not complete without permanent commitment' and is therefore snatching at every possible opportunity to Fine The One.
Or he could be one of those men who think that the only way to 'get' sex off women is to dangle the possibility of commitment.

Remember that you owe him nothing - neither sex, nor a committed relationship, nor another date. If you like him and want to go for dinner with him then go; if you want to shag him, shag him. But if he starts creeping you out, dump him politely and move on.

Original poster
creativeme · 19/12/2014 21:31

Thank you for your reply, I think I will know after tomorrow night, this is our first 1:1, if he wants someone who is a drinker and if she doesnt its a deal breaker, make me think whats all that about, I only have a few glasses...so we will see, I certainly wont be "shagging him" anytime soon even though i fancy him yes...there will be lots of questions asked..!!

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 21:36

I want to be your man..... is something only Mick Jagger can say with a straight face. As chat up lines go it's pretty cheesy. Hope your date turns out to be more than a knicker wrangler.... Hmm

kaykayred · 19/12/2014 21:41

Having "must drink" as a deal breaker seems pretty shallow and ill thought through from my perspective.

Is he some kind of closet alcoholic????

MeMyselfAnd1 · 19/12/2014 21:45

Third date, first 1:1? What does that mean? Will this be effectively the first time you see each other in your own.

Forget about him wanting to be your man (typical phrase to show a "commitment" to make things work that might not be there), I would be more wary about non drinking being a deal breaker, as it puts you under pressure to drink to his rhythm. Or is or perhaps that he has been dumped before because he drinks too much?

Original poster
creativeme · 19/12/2014 22:05

Yes this is the first 1:1, the others were with friends, coffee, gym etc. I am more concerned about this drinking thing, now that you ask too.... I have never heard anyone say this, Im thinking is this his control...he says (when i asked him) its because he likes to be romantic at dinner, share a glass etc....I am yet to believe we will see about that! lol

OP posts:
holdyourown · 19/12/2014 22:44

That's a very bizarre deal breaker - what if you were on antibiotics/driving/pregnant and so on. I'd just ask him about his relationship history if you want to know about it, see what he's got to say.
(I'm thinking of 'I'm your man' was that george michael?) Grin

MeMyselfAnd1 · 20/12/2014 08:04

Well, I think is fantastic that you have had opportunity to see how he behaves within a group, and that your friends know him, before you consider a 1:1 (nothing bad about the opposite, but I think you are in a position of advantage: you can ask around for references :-))

With regards to the drinking, just take it easy and don't get drunk, so you can see (over several dates) whether he really has an issue with it and why. With this I do not mean you shouldn't drink at all, but to keep it light so you can check, and also for your own safety.

Jingalingallnight · 20/12/2014 08:07

Hmm the drinking thing. Suggests to me he drinks a lot and it has been an issue in previous relationships.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 20/12/2014 08:14

In terms of short and long term relationships. Yes, the fact that he has not had a single long term relationship is bad news, it doesn't necessarily mean he is a womaniser trying to have just fun. It is also a huge warning flag that he may not understand that good relationships do not "happen" but that you do need to work in them to make them so.

So be prepared for a disappointment, as one day you may say/do something (nothing bad) and he may just disappear without wanting to discuss the matter further. In terms of emotional maturity, you may be dating a teenager.

DollyRocker1 · 20/12/2014 09:35

My ex had never had a relationship longer than 3 months before we started going out. He was cagey about his past and I only learnt this 9 months in. When we broke up after 20 months his reasons were akin to those a teenager would use - you don't like curries, you wouldn't like being in a tent with a scorpion. ( and he's no Bear Grylls!) There was no way to reason with him as he had no other experiences to compare our relationship with. So I'd try to explain that there are niggles in every relationship but he thought if it wasn't perfect all the time there was something wrong.

MadeMan · 20/12/2014 09:50

"you wouldn't like being in a tent with a scorpion."

I don't think anyone would like this very much; what a strange thing for him to say.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 10:38

I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than about 2 years, but that is because I don't want a longterm relationship. It isn't a fault in a person in itself. Not everyone is suited to or interested in longterm commitments.

But I agree the 'must drink' thing sounds a bit as though he's a heavy drinker and has been dumped because of it in the past. THough it could also be that he dated a non-drinker who (for whatever reason) went on, and on, and on about the evils of alcohol and got all catsbumface if he had so much as a half of shandy...

SelfLoathing · 20/12/2014 10:47

if he wants someone who is a drinker and if she doesnt its a deal breaker, make me think whats all that about, I only have a few glasses..

Personally I don't think this is a tall weird. I think what he is saying is he doesn't want to date a teetotal woman.

It depends on his experiences. As you do more OLD, you get a sense of the wide variety of people who are out there and what they want. OLD makes people very picky.

To be honest, I'm the same. I wouldn't date someone who was teetotal because I'm looking for a long term partner. I enjoy wine and have a serious interest in it. A big part of what I enjoy socially with a bf is going to Michelin starred restaurants and having fine food and fine wine. I love doing tasting menus paired with wine.

I have dated a teetotaler before and this is, frankly, for me deeply miserable. The best wines are rarely served by the glass and there is a limited choice of wines by the glass. There is no point ordering a bottle if one of you doesn't drink.

Usually, on tasting menus, it has to be for the whole table only and this applies to the wine and wine flights.

I 100% would not date someone who doesn't drink. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me for these reasons. It's nothing to do with being an alcoholic.

[I'd add that in my experience generally people who don't drink at all usually have had a drink problem in the past or are deeply boring. I know there are exceptions such as people who can't for medical reasons or just don't like the taste but generally former drink problem is usually the top reason]

SelfLoathing · 20/12/2014 10:48

is a tall weird.

LOL.

*at all weird !

BertieBotts · 20/12/2014 18:41

I would say: Be cautious. I probably wouldn't immediately dump if you like him, since these are just two things which are odd and might be totally unrelatedly odd. It might be that they are isolated, there are good/unremarkable reasons and he wanted to get it out of the way early on and that's all there is to it.

Alternatively, it could be the tip of an iceberg, so I'd stay... icy Grin Don't get too sucked in before you're ready, keep things moving slowly, if more and more things keep coming up, don't look at them all separately and keep discounting, but look at the picture as a whole.

Original poster
creativeme · 21/12/2014 19:23

thanks everyone for your replies well lets just say last night ended in a bang ....it gets worse. started off well, I was on the wine, feeling tipsy a few glasses later and he was on the 8th beer later not drunk at all....but he drops a clanger when we move to a bar after the restaurant. Says at 36, never had a relationship over 5 months and never lived with anyone, gets quite cagey when he tries to explain it...not that I asked anymore....then says a woman he fantasised about 9 years ago, her mother hated him and she has now come back into his life and wants to meet him again for a date. At the time i.e. in all the years he has wanted her, she has either been with someone or didnt want him. However they must have gone out if the mother doesnt like him? He tells me he still likes her but wants to see me instead as I am more mature, real and better than her who is 10 years younger than me and he never knows the real her. This was enough for me to raise an eyebrow....as he starts to get angry about her, starts talking about her and I say I am not really interested in her to be honest nor your past/ex girlfriend.

When showing me his car on his phone, a photo of a blonde woman shows up before he accidentally scrolled to, for me to ask who that was, he says you don't need to know, its an ex. Thinking it may be this one we are talking about. It was after this, that I called for a cab and went home....felt he was too immature...he admitted to normally dating alot younger, I think this may be where the difference was and his comments were not thought about before he spoke.. even though we were both attracted to each other ,his strange views on relationships and family life were the very opposite for me. I have had mainly long term and its what I am looking for, I felt he wasn't the same. So thats the last of him.....!!! then he texts me today, hey!!

however... I won't be replying.

OP posts:
MeMyselfAnd1 · 21/12/2014 22:33

Great that you realised about this so soon (and no... You don't need to be younger to understand him so don't think that you wouldn't find that strange if you were his age. I am sure I met someone who mentioned something like that when I was 20 and I thought that it was plain weird)

FolkGirl · 21/12/2014 22:34

Good for you. He is definitely to be avoided!!

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