'Childish emo behaviour'

[prettyfuckingweird]

Background...me and my DH have been married for 18 mths and together for 4 years in total. We have a baby.

Last night whilst watching telly and casually chatting something came on about the length of relationships. I know a few bits about his past relationships but not much. Anyway, I asked him how long his longest previous relationship was and he started dodging the subject. When I pressed him further he replied 'none of your business' and outright refused to answer. I was pretty pissed off with this to be honest. I think unless we are willing to share information then we will never create a really intimate relationship. Which I told him. This morning he is now demanding an apology for my 'childish emo behaviour'.

Your thoughts.....

If you've been together for four years, have married him and have a baby, it can't be that important to you, so I wouldn't have pushed it personally.

But you'll get a divide of people who think you have the right to know and people who think it is none of your business. It's a personal thing.

Odd reaction on his part.

Has it really never come up before?

I don't think you have a right to know, his past is his and you can't claim ownership of it nor demand to know about it.

And creating a 'really intimate relationship', shouldn't this be done before you get married? And how would knowing about his ex make this happen?

I'm really sorry but I do think it is childish on your part, I know that's not what you want to here but just my take on things.

hear*

You don't have a right to know. BUT asking about the length of a previous relationship shouldn't really get an adverse reaction from anyone. You weren't asking how it ended, what he thought of her, or anything intimate.. just how long a past relationship was.

So although I don't think you have a right to know and I don't think it would make anything intimate about your relationship knowing, I do not understand his reaction or reason for not just telling you the length of time... only time I'd expect a reaction like that if if you are regularly asking about exes..etc which you say you haven't had much of a conversation about.

really odd reaction, especially what he said to you the next day to bring it up again and want to to apologise.. :/

I think it's odd that you don't know this before marriage, as surely you know his basic timeline, what he was doing at certain ages etc.

I would worry if you don't see your relationship as really intimate before you got married and had a child.

If my partner told me that unless I told him about my relationship past we couldn't have a 'really intimate relationship' then I would be incredibly hurt and I'd be expecting an apology too.

Yeah, agree strongly with the fact that building a strong and intimate relationship comes a long time BEFORE getting married.

You don't have a right to that information, but at the same time, it is frankly bizarre that he flat out refused to answer. Maybe he had never had any and was self conscious about it?

It's not exactly a deeply personal question for a wife to ask her husband, but hey. His business.

His reaction to you this morning is outright patronising though. That would have REALLY got my back up. How is it childish to ask a simple question which was relevant within the context of the programme you were watching? And does he even know what emo means?

Tell him to stop being such a patronising twat, and you in no way owe him an apology. He doesn't have to tell you if he doesn't want to, and that's his business, but it's pretty pathetic for a married man to be so cagey about such a simple bloody question from his wife. And it's even MORE pathetic to keep whinging on about it the next day like some kind of...oh I don't know....teenager?

I think unless we are willing to share information then we will never create a really intimate relationship. Which I told him.

is this not where the childish emo comment came from?

You got married and had a baby, and now you're looking to create an intimate relationship with him?

You don't have a right to that information, some people are happy to talk about these things, others may not be, but his reaction is very very strange, especially demanding an apology.

I agree with others, it can't be that important to you if you've already married him and have a child.

How often do you pester for information about his past, though? Or demand reassurance that none of his exgirlfriends were as pretty as you? Do you bang on endlessly about honesty and ask him what he's thinking about all the time?
His reaction is odd, but if you are constantly whining for attention and reassurance then it becomes a little more understandable. And, TBH, anyone who pushes for an answer to a nosy question that isn't any of their business deserves a bit of a verbal smackdown.

Solidbrass - I don't see how it's really THAT nosey. It's not a work colleague, it's his wife for fucks sake! As someone else pointed out, it's not even a particularly intimate question like "how often did you have sex with your ex" or anything like that.

Whilst I still agree it is ultimately his decision whether to talk about it or not, the fact he has reacted so strongly to such a very mild question - from his wife - is weird and unnecessary.

You've been together for 4 years and you don't know about his past relationships? I find that extremely surprising.

if you are constantly whining for attention and reassurance

How on earth did you jump to that conclusion SGB? OP is doing no such thing.

It's none of your business and he has every right not to want to answer. I don't understand how this can even be important now after you are already married! Does this mean that in order to create an intimate relationship, he has to answer every question you ever ask him?
I think your insistence on knowing, is very childish. Don't quite get the 'emo' reference.

He sounds very childish and Emo if he's not being open with you about his past. Even if you don't like what he has to say he should be able to talk to you about it.

WineWineWine

I don't understand the "intimate relationship" comment, I think that is daft, especially married with a child

BUT

I also find it daft that they are married, with one child, and he would have such a response to such a mild question of "oh how long was you longest past relationship" or whatever. THEN demand an apology and call her names... seems a very odd reaction to me.

Could have just said "oh 3 years" or whatever it is, and that's that. Instead such a throwaway question based on watching telly has turned into that. :/

I'd separate the two issues.

A question about the length of a previous relationship (as opposed to more personal information) is not particularly intrusive or controversial IMHO. His reaction sounds very strange and somewhat OTT. Can't think why someone would be evasive unless either they had something to hide or the question was posed in an offensive way.

The second issue about sharing information being a basis for intimacy, I don't agree with. I think we're all entitled to some privacy, even when we're in a committed long term relationship, and that it's not necessarily a good thing to get all the dirty laundry out all of the time.

I'm not jumping to conclusions, I'm asking, because the H's reaction seems excessive. However, if the OP is one of those awful pests who has has read a couple of shit relationship therapy books and therefore wants to analyse every word, wince, movement and past event then his annoyance becomes more understandable.

My family must sound like a load of nosey stalkers.Not only do we know about our own husband's/partner's/wives former relationships but each other's too Maybe it's because all of our relationships are longterm ie 30years plus or that we are very close and come from a smallish area within a large city.( not quite a place where Cousins marry though ) So I find it odd that a longish married couple don't know this stuff.Ah well,horses for courses.