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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

hubby and porn

27 replies

lounear35 · 12/12/2014 08:20

My 6yr old came to me with her dad ipad which he let's her play on showing me porn nothing horrific women's boobs basically but I then went into the history to find he had been looking at other sites that weren't so tame. I then accessed his Facebook messenger to read messages he sent to other women saying about their nice smile lovey eyes etc. I'm numb. I know I shouldn't have looked but now I don't know what to do.....any advice ?

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 08:24

The only thing that would have bothered me about the boobs thing was that he was stupid enough to give his child access to a tablet with that kind of content on. But the rest, he's interacting with women and seeking them on on facebook to comment on their pictures.. that's very creepy. I get messages like that on facebook from random creepy men all over the world... does he know these women? (or could he I mean, are they in your area?)

You have to do something, he's obviously betraying you :(.

Original poster
lounear35 · 12/12/2014 08:28

I'm thinking the exact same I'm scared to talk to friends about it in case they think I'm over reacting. I don't know the girls he's messaging to me it's pervy and creepy and I being selfish I don't want folks who know me to think my hubby is a perv

OP posts:
Original poster
lounear35 · 12/12/2014 08:32

Do other men watch porn like this online am I over reacting is it a mild thing not to worry about. In fairness he let's our daughter play games on it and she went and got it from our room and she was simply pressing icons and it popped up

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 12/12/2014 08:44

Who cares if your friends say you are over reacting (you're not). And all men watch porn online? Erm nope - apologists may say that, but if it is a dealbreaker for you then it is not acceptable. Personally I couldn't tolerate porn, let alone the FB message. Sleazy messages to other women - yuck. You deserve better than him. He clearly has no respect for you or women in general.

Original poster
lounear35 · 12/12/2014 08:46

I think I agree Sad and trouble is its not the first time. I don't know what to do we have two girls how can I end my marriage at Christmas. I don't trust him I can't live with him but can't live without him

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 12/12/2014 08:48

of course you can live without him - and I would advise STI testing too - sorry.

Do you own or rent the house.

Not the first time? So he has been unfaithful before and you took him back?

TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 08:50

My man watches porn and I'm fine with that, if you're not, then you're not.

To be honest I would be MORE concerned with the facebook messaging, he is actively seeking out women on a social networking site that he can have access to and meet in real life. If it was just about ogling women and porn he wouldn't be messaging "normal" women to compliment them about their photo's it's completely creepy :/

I'm scared to talk to friends about it in case they think I'm over reacting

No friends of yours if they think that!

TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 08:52

Oh and you can live without him, you did before and will again. Don't settle for something you know is less than what you are worth! Because in the end you will think you are worth nothing and are lucky to have him.

Creepy scumbag. Get him told. hugs

Original poster
lounear35 · 12/12/2014 09:03

He's hasn't had affairs before but caught him messaging ones before.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 12/12/2014 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoRoomAtTheGin · 12/12/2014 09:10

Don't over react. Ask him about the messages. Sounds like they were quite harmless from what you put here? Did anyone answer?

TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 09:12

Id rather they did that than cheat.

I don't think porn is a replacement for cheating... I watch porn and I definitely don't think, "oooh better get me some porn to stop this adulterous urge" :) But yeah, the contacting other women, he's trying to make it personal.

I wouldn't be so sure he hasn't been having affairs before, you caught him once and he's still not very clever at hiding it.

Selfish git with no boundaries, and I can't exaggerate the "creepy" part of it enough.

TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 09:14

Sounds like they were quite harmless from what you put here?

How is messaging women on facebook to tell them how good they look harmless???

IF that's the first thing he messages people it's pretty clear the kind of conversation he is trying to get going there...

I don't know how you can say it's harmless trawling through facebook to find fit women to message.... :/

Patchworkqueen · 12/12/2014 09:25

I agree - how would you know if he was unfaithful before. He isn't going to admit it. And surely messaging others is being unfaithful, even if only on an emotional level?

And porn and cheating - you don't do one to stop the other?

I certainly agree with the creepy aspect of it. I suspect you have only found the tip of the iceberg.

Macloveswill · 12/12/2014 09:28

Porn ok (unless you've discussed and agreed not to)...contacting other women not ok.

Original poster
lounear35 · 12/12/2014 09:47

Shit I'm So scared

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 09:49

What are you scared of? xx

Original poster
lounear35 · 12/12/2014 09:52

Being alone. Telling him it's over. Being a single parent. Admitting to myself he's not who.i thought he was

OP posts:
TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 09:59

Being alone and not having your children raised by a cheating creepy perve is much more empowering than being with him for the sake of being lonely xx

big hugs

He's the one who will be sad and lonely x

Patchworkqueen · 12/12/2014 10:00

I agree - self respect and knowing you deserve better is far superior to the insecurity and misery of living with a dishonest, unfaithful man who treats you like rubbish.

kaykayblue · 12/12/2014 10:09

It's only scary because it's unknown, and it's a big effort to change from the status quo. But that doesn't mean in any way that it will be "worse".

I would be furious that he was fucking idiotic enough to let material like that be so easily accessible by his daughter. I would be decidedly unimpressed with the porn, but the real issue would be the messaging other women.

That's just pervy, creepy and weird. It's disgusting getting messages like that from guys you don't know. It's incredibly disrespectful to send them, and it crosses a line when you aren't even single. If he has done it before, presumably you two had a big thing about it then, and he cried and said he didn't mean it, and would never do it again and it was just a bit of fun?

Now here you are.

Don't worry about what other people think of your husband. That's not your problem. You shouldn't be protecting him from people really. He certainly doesn't seem to be showing you the same decency.

Jan45 · 12/12/2014 10:12

It's not the porn so much that is the problem it's his intention to cheat and go behind your back, deal breaker in my book. I'd also wonder what other sites he was on and doing what on them, once the trust is broken it's hard to get that back, he's got a lot of explaining.

Joysmum · 12/12/2014 11:02

Ditto the others. Contacting other women and not protecting his child are unforgivable in my book.

victorianhomedreamer · 12/12/2014 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHermitCrab · 12/12/2014 11:17

Good advice from victorianhomedreamer

Actually a good idea to omit the porn thing for now.. especially when confronting him. He'll probably try and minimise it by saying "it's only a bit of porn" and before you know it you're arguing over the porn and forgetting the real issue which is him actively seeking out other women on the internet. I'd deal with that first.

THEN raise the issue of what his daughter saw. Not on!