Husband won't go out to work

[Snowybird]

My husband had to leave his job because of stress a year and a half ago. At the time I was glad he had the time to recover and expected him to go back to work later in the year or just after Christmas. That was last Christmas. He has been looking for jobs and was unlucky not getting any of those he was interviewed for. Finally I suggested he get a casual job, any job, just to get back out into working life (and there are plenty of casual jobs available in our area). Then I suggested he do some volunteer work. Or a course, retraining for a new career. Anything to get out of the house and meet people again. He genuinely thinks he is doing all he can. I am working really really hard and so are the kids (in secondary school). He is looking for jobs on the internet. How can I get him back out into the wider world?

My exDP was unemployed for over a year after three redundancies. His father died during that time too, so it was a balance of being sympathetic, supportive but constructive. He wasn't interested in casual work, couldn't see the point. My job at the time was fairly stressfull and found that when I came home he needed a lot of attention and interaction from me because he hadn't had much during the day. All I wanted to do was flop. It was hard. One night I explained to him that his lack of job and direction was making me see him in a way that wasn't good and I was losing attraction for him and that something needed to change. He then conceded to swallow his pride and ask his friends if they had any job leads. One did and he has been gainfully employed for just under a year. After 4 or so months of employment he decided he didn't need/want me anymore, his confidence had gone up and I was no longer necessary to his life.

This is a different case to you but it taught me a lesson.

My Ex seemed to understand, but never really respected my work because he never had to work, as such, as he gets a bit of income from renting his land out. Enough to survive with friends & family 'topping up' with nights out etc

I left him as his view was 'why work when I have enough' - totally fine if you aren't asking others to fork out to cover you, but bloody annoying and childish if they think you will pick up the slack because they can't be arsed.

Your DH may, absolutely, be intending to find work to contribute to your family and trying to find a suitable position but only you can tell if he is putting that into action - or swinging the lead & expecting you to do it all for him.

Those out of work should be treating finding work as their full time job. That means applying for anything you can do and that will numerous jobs per day, every day.

Do you think he's scared of ending up suffering stress and it's after affects again? If work = poor health last time then he could be either consciously or unconsciously putting a block on making that extra effort to get back on his feet IYSWIM.
Not sure what the answer is though if that's the case - talk to the GP perhaps?

This might sound hard but he either needs to get some help for the stress either therapy, mindfulness and show that he is making the effort to prepare himself for going back to work or he needs some tough love.

It's not fair on Snowybird to carry the strain of her own job, her kids and her husband and he needs to realise that. It's also not fair on the kids as both parents are stressed in one way or another. I've been in this situation and the tough love worked although he buggered off once he got his confidence back.

If he gets a job there's also the aftermath of finding a new job to tackle - the heightened confidence, sense of independence and how you relate to eachother as equal partners is important here. I think that's where a lot of work on a relationship is needed, despite the relief you would feel at him getting a new job.

I hope things get better.

Hello

It is not an easy situation to be in

The longer someone is out of work, the harder it is to get back in again.
When he applies for jobs, what does he say he is doing when he is not working ?

I agree volunteer work gets you out of the house, meet people, learn new skills and leads to opportunities and is great info to add onto the CV

I would suggest getting "any type of job" & whilst in work, look for something that he really wants to do

Suggest getting someone else to proof read his CV & if necessary amend it

Perhaps print off some CVs & walk round your local town asking for job vacancies or temping agencies

There is alot of competition in the job market, especially if applying online, where 100s of CVs can be sent for one job application. You must aim for his CV to be at the top of the pile of applicants

Good luck