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Original poster

Red Flag(s)? Sanity check needed pls

19 replies

Confusi0nReigns · 07/12/2014 00:12

Need a second opinion please as my gut says one thing but brain is trying to minimize.

Third date with new guy i'm seeing, chatting about our past(s) when he tells me that his ex left him out of the blue one day taking their small son (3 at the time) He came home from work to find his family gone.

Pretty awful i thought but then he followed it up by saying that a friend helped his ex run away to a refuge because that was the only way she could see to clear her bank overdraft.

Obviously i questioned this, told him that to my knowledge womens refuges are not a place a woman would run to out of a mere fancy to lighten her financial burden & asked if he was violent in the relationship.

He is adamant he wasn't and that in fact the ex was the volatile one with a temper who used to hit him over the head with cooking pots etc/got drunk every night/slept around.

It's a pile of lies isn't it? Is it best to steer clear of this one? :(

OP posts:
postmanpatscat · 07/12/2014 00:14

It's only been three dates and although he might be telling the truth, in your shoes I would end it now.

RockCrushesLizard · 07/12/2014 00:14

Run. Fast. Far. Sorry

sooperdooper · 07/12/2014 00:16

Hmm sounds dodgy to me, does he have contact with the child now? Your instincts are right, women don't go to refuges to clear financial issues and being in a refuge wouldn't clear your overdraft anyway

ParisWhenItSizzles · 07/12/2014 00:16

Yep. Sounds dodgy.

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/12/2014 00:17

Even if not sure op I wouldn't take a chance to be honest, it's a pretty big ask of yourself if you've been in a previous rough relationship to accept this sort of scenario.

Ide respectfully bow out Thanks

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/12/2014 00:19

How would going to a refuge clear your overdraft? And refuge workers are pretty bright - I can't imagine they'd believe a fake story.

Nah, steer clear. Sorry.

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2014 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Confusi0nReigns · 07/12/2014 00:23

Thanks for responses. Yes, he has DC 2 weekends a month now, after a lot of trying to track down the ex after the refuge etc (that was 2 years ago)

OP posts:
snoopdoggy · 07/12/2014 00:25

i met a guy once, was very open about his previous ex. told me the story and I found it hard to believe. But i told myself why would he tell me this when he could have minimised it so early in dating. did he want to feed me the poor him story? I certainly wouldn't be giving that kind of story out to impress a girl that's for sure! So a bit strange to be so open.
I gave mine the chance and turned out story was entirely true. His ex was a manipulative, nasty and slightly unhinged woman.
HOWEVER. I do know that it takes two to tango but realised that I too was heading down the unhinged road. He was a narcacist. He was always right. So i had to end it. But it took alot out of me and dealt with his past issues which he brought into the relationship with me. Which exhausted me.
So i'm afraid I can't tell you either way he's full of it. But I would proceed with caution. Even if he is telling you the truth do you want to get into this with him? Everyone has baggage but jez that's some serious heavy load.

Original poster
Confusi0nReigns · 07/12/2014 00:43

I guess what's niggling at me most is the blanket 'it's all her fault' approach. He was the innocent victim, no problems ever in the relationship until the fateful day (aside from the aforementioned temper/drinking etc of the ex)

Not worth analysing too much at this stage i guess, shame, he seemed like a 'normal' guy (whatever normal is anyway) :)

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2014 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Confusi0nReigns · 07/12/2014 01:03

Off to try & find your thread now. brokenhearted, thank you!

OP posts:
Primaryteach87 · 07/12/2014 01:05

I have experience in this area. It has been known so not impossible he is telling the truth but as you've not invested much in this relationship it really might be best not to take the risk.

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 01:18

Don't steer clear.... run. Of course women don't disappear with a child & get a place in a refuge for trivial reasons. That he's telling you this tall tale means - amongst other things - that he thinks you're easily fooled.

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 01:20

BTW... he 'tracked down' a woman that had sought refuge? ..... Confused

brokenhearted55a · 07/12/2014 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yambabe · 07/12/2014 01:34

No Cog, he tracked down his DC and now has unsupervised EOW access.

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 01:43

Having turned down second dates for much more trivial reasons, I wouldn't waste too much time getting to the bottom of this one.

LadyBlaBlah · 07/12/2014 21:33

My abusive ex tells me he comes 'clean' to new women about how "it all deteriorated at the end" and how "he did things he wouldn't normally do" at the end of the relationship.
And I'm afraid he has no shortage of women, eager to believe this half-truth.

In his case, a bit of education about abusive relationships has allowed him to construct a story that tells you he's not perfect but 'terribly regretful' and if they ever spoke to me would easily make sense to his story.

What I'm saying is....abusive men HAVE to construct a story with ref to their exes. His sounds a bit shit tbh....doing a flit to a refuge because you can't pay the bills!!!?? Oh dear

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