Don't know what to do about DS2

[Notagainmun]

DS2 is 19. He is a typical teen in that his room is always in a terrible mess despite countless rows and promises. He failed his A levels and went to college and now it turns out he has been absent, late and not handing in work and is so far behind there is little chance of him catching up. He has been lying to us saying that his lecturer was ill or on a course etc. This has been the story for a couple of years now. Tears and promises to try harder etc.

He has got a part time job and I worry that he is not applying himself to that. He is not rude to us or out getting into trouble but he is lazy and lies and always gets caught out.

I feel sick with worry about his future. What can I do?

Okay, well he's very young yet.
My cousin is 24, failed her MSc twice and is now at home not really making any plans. She is still my madly smart, funny, bright cousin, it's just she's just lost her way a bit. Your DS could be doing so much worse. He has a part time job, that's good at least.

I suppose because the motivation isn't coming from him at the moment you need to find some sort of lever to do it yourself, artificially like. I suppose you'd be too worried about asking him to move out?
How much do you do for him? Maybe he's too comfortable. You would be perfectly reasonable in saying that things being fed, living rent-free, free use of internet etc are dependent on his showing behaviour which is consistent with having his solid goals and improving his attitude.
What does he want to do later on, does he know yet? Is there a particular reason he's not putting any effort in.

I'm sure this is just a bad patch and he'll pull through :)

• oh and she's in a country where people don't think much of their version of a bachelors and all the jobs she'd want to do require more than what she's got.

Tell him that he's out of the door on the morning of his 21st birthday, so he'd better start making plans.

It does sound like he has lost is way or it could be he is feeling unhappy with his life. Try to get him to open up about what the problem is e.g. has he chosen the wrong subjects or hasn't found a friendship group at college. Maybe he would like to investigate a different kind of course or training or even get a fulltime job instead. He can always go back to studying later.

He's not motivated and why that is he may or may not want to share with you. Could be any number of things going on ranging from depression to idleness to drugs use..... (the most apathetic guy I knew that age was an enthusiastic weed smoker). ... or something else entirely. Important to stop thinking of him as a kid. If his aspirations clash with yours e.g. education, then support his choices. However, it's also his responsibility to come up with a better alternative.

He has a part time job. That is a good start. If he gets fired from it then that is a lesson he has to learn. I'm sure he is enjoying the money he is being paid. Could be that he didn't like college as it is just like school. This job could teach him a lot about how to behave in the outside work and grow him up a bit. Maybe when he realises that he needs more skills to get a better job in life, he will look into college or Uni again and apply himself.

So when he failed his A levels and went on to College - your choice or his? Was he pressured into going? At his age you can't make his choices for him, he has to want to do something if he is to be motivated and succeed. How about sitting down and asking him how he sees his future, what does he want? Maybe he doesn't know yet - that's fine, let him spend time exploring options, and if he can pay his way with a full or part time job in the meantime all well and good.

People have to find their own way through life; stop mothering him and let him fail so that he can work out how to get himself sorted out.