Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Thinking of the future

22 replies

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 08:32

Had a conversation, half jokey about living together/ buying a house last night. I already own my house he lives at parents but owns half the house. Discussing th future we were saying how much our parents houses were worth, I know that could sound bad but it wasn't as it might seem and he said half jokingly " we could pool my money with yours and get a bigger property" I half jokingly said yes we could

I then said " would you move into my house?" He replied "yes" then added but could you cope with all my work washing ( he's a builder) and making my tea and sandwiches. I just laughed and said " you've got hands haven't you" and that was that really

I would love us to be together and I've no worries that in reality he wouldn't pull his weight as he is so good to me and treats me well. However I'm wondering if he made that remark to put me off after all it's not like he said "would you like me too" or carried on the conversation

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 04/12/2014 08:39

I don't think anyone can tell on here, sorry.
One thing I would say - don't live with a man that you can't just talk to, and ask what they're feeling and what they mean. If you're not comfortable calling and saying, "so last night - what do you think of it as a serious proposition in the new year?" the your relationship isn't ready for it.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 08:45

I always manage to say what I mean with him except on this one issue because it could involve rejection. I am scared of that because I've feel I've finally find someone who I get along with and I love and I don't want anything spoiling it. I know that this doesn't really make sense because eventually I will have to find out but I feel like it's throwing myself into the lions den. My life and previous relationship was a nightmare before him amd my life has been so calm and steady since we met that I'm frightened of upsetting this balance I guess

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/12/2014 09:01

except on this one issue because it could involve rejection

If it means avoiding living with someone who automatically expects the female to do all the cooking, washing, cleaning etc...then that's a good reason to be firm on this issue.

The reason for finding this out before moving in is because it is quite hard to get rid of them once they have keys. Also, if you are not compatible in this - then it makes sense to find this out before you commit.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 09:14

I could see me doing most if not all the cooking and cleaning indoors and him doing the outdoor stuff and cars ect. I also feel he would help me when asked with chores. This is because at the moment this is how it tends to be and he doesn't live here full time but does help out with my garden OD any DIY I need doing. That would suit me fine so long as we both contributed in our own way. This isn't really what I'm worried about

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 09:24

If you're thinking about a future with someone you have to start as you mean to go on. If you fanny about 'hoping' they pull their weight domestically or stump up for bills or whatever it happens to be - forget it! Not everyone is lazy but most people will take the easy route if there's no requirement to do otherwise. BTW... it's not him 'helping you out', it's equality and teamwork. Everyone doing their fair share because it's their home.

So have some confidence about stating your expectations, don't settle for airy promises, and then don't be frightened to review it regularly. Are they keeping to their side of the bargain.... if not, get the big stick out!

BTW if you're thinking of pooling property then don't take any chances and get it all drawn up legally who owns what, who can sell what, who pays for what, and who gets what if it all goes wrong. Very important.

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 09:27

A final thought..... don't compromise out of fear of rejection. That way madness lies. Always be yourself and stand up for what you want. If you're a pushover, people will have no respect for you... partners included.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 09:32

I think he would do his fair share tbh although he might take some reminding or prompting as let's face it no two people have exactly the same standards or see things the same. I think our standards are pretty similar though. It's the fact he may not want to live together that's concerning me and made these remarks to put me off although he said afterwards he was kidding.

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 09:37

Ask a straight question then? 'How about we try living together in the New Year?'... Risk a yes or no answer.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 09:43

Do you not think if he wanted to that he would have asked me? Then again it's my house which is why I asked him last night if he could see himself moving into my house. It's his reply that concerns/ puzzles me. Plus he didn't elaborate other than to say yes and then the bit about his clothes and cooking ect

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 09:46

The question was off the cuff and the answer was jokey. It's your home and living together is not something you should do lightly, so if you're inviting him to take the step ask the question in a more serious way and get a more serious answer.

SlimJiminy · 04/12/2014 10:15

I don't think you should have expected a serious conclusion to the conversation that started in such a lighthearted way. DH moved in with me (before we got married) and we did have a lighthearted conversation to start with (about how dire the town centre is) but we had to follow that with some serious follow up discussion - when? How would the finances work? What did that mean for our future? (i.e. we saw marriage and children later down the line and wouldn't have still been together if either of us felt differently about those things). Just bring it up again on a more serious note.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 10:35

He has already said many times that we have a long term future together by the way he talks and makes plans. I just fear he is so comfortable where he is that he may not see a benefit in us living together. I also think he feels very responsible for his parents as both have failing health. As I said I need to wait for a financial settlement anyway so perhaps I will ask him seriously after that

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2014 10:43

If he moves in with you into your house he won't be a guest for whom you run around, providing catering and laundry services. I'd make that plain before he packs his bags and comes over.

Going straight from his parents' house where, retired from work or not, they might have a long-established pattern of Mum does everything indoors - shop, cook, clean, wash, pick up after everyone else - and Dad does 'outdoor stuff' might mean he has very set ideas on who does what.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 10:58

No his dad does loads of housework too

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2014 11:05

Do you mind me asking how long you've been a couple?

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 11:08

Almost a year. We saw eachother 3 to4 times a week to start with, now it's almost every day/ night

OP posts:

HumblePieMonster · 04/12/2014 11:09

no pooling of resources until you have the marriage certificate. and even then, keep the escape fund running, just in case.
don't do the 'moving in' in thing. either he marries you or he leaves you free to move on.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 11:12

Really? Why does he have to marry me? My house is safer if I don't marry at least initially since then he has no claim to it

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 04/12/2014 11:20

Why do they need to get married before they've even tried living together? Eh?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/12/2014 11:22

Assuming he knows you were in a difficult relationship before maybe he has just been cautious about pressuring you. Not knowing what if any baggage he has it's hard to say what's he thinking. You haven't mentioned DCs so there isn't that complication...?

People do move back in with parents to save hard for a deposit. And if his parents are in poor health he may feel responsible for them. If this was the first time you broached living together he may not have taken it seriously.

I think after a year it's normal to look to the next stage. Talk face to face about it.

SlimJiminy · 04/12/2014 11:25

I reckon you just bring it up again openly and honestly. Plenty of people move in together before they get married - most people I know in fact - so I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as you're sure you want the same thing. i.e. his plans are with YOU, not just "I see myself getting married/having kids someday" but "I see myself marrying/have kids with YOU someday" - if you already know you're on the same page, then I don't see the problem and I think you're worrying unnecessarily. If he's worried about his parents, he'll mention that, won't he? Plenty of people help out their parents while living apart from them. How far away are you from them?

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 04/12/2014 11:35

Well there's no baggage his side he's not got any children. Mine are grown up my son is at uni so is home part time. I think he does feel a sense of responsibility for both his parents as I do for my elderly mother who lives alone. My hose is about 20 miles from my mum and 10 miles from him and his parents. They are wonderful to me btw and soooo pleased he is happy

OP posts:

Flip