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Original poster

Do you think my friend will be offended by this?

24 replies

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 13:26

My lovely and wonderful friend is having a tough time at the moment! He's being made redundant in January and is dreading Christmas as his parents who are very religious people do not know of his being Gay and have expressed some very shocking and violent views about gay people i.e they think they should all be made to be soldiers and so it doesn't matter if they're murderd ( I am not saying all super religious people think like this by the way).
So anyway when he goes home he has a miserable time pretending to be someone else and literally gets the train back home ASAP.
Now my question is this know my lovely friend as I do; we lived together at Uni. Will it be awfully patronising If I ( and have already collected most if the bits) send him a giant care food package with vouchers and goodies and basic food stuffs for his cupboards. We live in different city's now so I have to post it! I have mentioned it to a few mutual friends who think it's nice. However one or two other people think it's patronising and offensive to send him a big box of goodies and food. I'm concerned of offending his pride... What do you think?

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 02/12/2014 13:31

Can you invite him to spend Christmas with you?

I'm confused. Is he going to his parents for Christmas? If so, why the need for the food? I'd just send him a nice card and/or gift. If he's not, and he's planning on being alone, then if you want to send food, I'd send treats, not basics.

Original poster

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 13:33

Gah pressed enter too early! I unfortunately can't meet up with him before Christmas or do any of the hand holding I've been able to do in previous years! As he gets so depressed and I really want to be there for him! But don't want to offend him!

OP posts:

financialwizard · 02/12/2014 13:34

I second a care package full of goodies/treats.

ShatnersBassoon · 02/12/2014 13:35

I think it would be a bit strange to send him basic food etc. Treats, yes. He's not on the breadline is he?

Original poster

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 13:38

I've already invited him however he's obliged to go to his parents but he lives 500 miles from them and so it costs a lot. His monthly budget is very small and jobs in the city he lives in are over subscribed so with his redundancy looming he's very stressed and worried! So I was intending to send a box mainly of goodies ( what he'd class as goodies) with a few stick basics in

OP posts:

Tobyjugg · 02/12/2014 13:38

Send it! By the sound of it he's got bigger problems than what's in his Xmas hamper.

Original poster

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 13:39

...I was never going to send a box full of tinned goods and pasta

OP posts:

pompodd · 02/12/2014 13:41

To be honest, he's your friend and you seem to know him very well so asking strangers on the internet is probably not going to answer your question.

I know some people that wouldn't be offended at all by the gesture and others who would.

LadyLuck10 · 02/12/2014 13:48

I too agree with pomp.

Some people might feel offended/ embarrassed and others would welcome this gesture, only you know which type your friend is.

Original poster

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 13:50

That's the thing I want it to be something nice and thoughtful and for him not feel I'm throwing him I'm feeling sorry for him. ( although I do as he's having a crap time but I wouldn't tell him that as I try to be sensitive normal person) I think I'm over thinking this and will just send it

OP posts:

Messygirl · 02/12/2014 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExtraVolume · 02/12/2014 13:52

Why don't you do an online shop for him as postage will cost a fortune that could be spent on actual stuff? Hard for anyone to say if he'll be offended, depends how skint he is, what you get etc.

Nicest thing you could do is phone him up and talk to him about his parents and how their attitudes must effect his self esteem at a dodgy time for him. It may be too dangerous for him to come out to them but he should think about cutting down contact.

He can just tell them he has other plans for Xmas. What are they going to do, come and get him? Rant and rave, maybe but he's an adult they don't have the power over him they did as a child. If they turn on the guilt he could say he doesn't feel comfortable listening to some of their views, it spoils his visit. If they can agree to keep ther views to themself he can keep visiting, if they can't, tough. He could put it in a letter.

You don't need to convince him to do it, just plant the seed that he doesn't need to put up with it. And repeat that your offer is open, even last minute.

Original poster

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 14:14

extra volume thats a really good idea however he is definately obliged to go in their eyes it's a very hard and dangerous situation for him as he knows they are abusive people in many ways he's admitted they would probably hurt him if he did Come out. But in the flip side he never ever talks badly about them he'll give you basic facts but will never go into details. So it's a massive minefield understandably so....so it's a tricky one as he gets very depressed and I want to send a nice gesture saying I love you I'm hear for you and for it to be practical because he is mega skint.. We call and message a lot it's something he doesn't like to talk about though, but I know him very well and he'll be literally dreading spending one day at their house. And that's why it costs him so much because he's rather travel 6 hours each way on public travel to literally spend a few hours at his parents It's a very confusing and complicated situation and for him more so. Hence why I wanted to send a little box of I love you stuffs but be slightly practical! And then go so him in the new year

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/12/2014 15:01

buy him a session with an experienced life coach/therapist who can help him develop a strategy in which he realises he is NOT obliged to go see them ... he feels he is obliged...but really, it is his feelings only which make him go. he can fight those feelings .... he can say no.

Corygal · 02/12/2014 15:05

The package is a lovely idea and you are a great friend. Go for it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/12/2014 15:06

Can he go down with the flu mysteriously on Christmas eve and only have you who will have him at their house?

Clg199 · 02/12/2014 15:18

I did a similar thing for a friend. He let us stay in his apartment in Australia over Christmas while he was elsewhere for a month. As a thank you I left him a box wrapped in Christmas paper with Ribena (his absolute favourite but hard to get out there at the time), sweets, proper teabags - all stuff he'd enjoy when he got back. As I said, slightly different scenario, but he loved it and stills mentions it now over a decade later. I'd say go for it.

SarahAnnie1984 · 02/12/2014 15:23

I think you sound like a lovely friend, and this would be a lovely gesture!

Heels99 · 02/12/2014 15:29

FOG is making him go! Send him a link to the stately homes thread! He does not have to go to his abusive parents for Xmas he is an adult who can say no.

You are a kind friend.

Merry Xmas to you both

Original poster

saiyme09 · 02/12/2014 15:53

Thankyou for your replys ....it's a tough one I've said this all to him before.....I just have to be there for him if he needs me

OP posts:

missnatalie70 · 02/12/2014 16:08

Flu is a great idea!

ThePinkOcelot · 02/12/2014 19:22

It's a lovely idea OP, but agree with pp whosed do an online shop. It will only cost the delivery charge and you could spend the postage cost on more goodies.
I did that for my sister one yr. She loved it.

financialwizard · 03/12/2014 14:48

Bit different but I had a friend whose partner had left her with baby twins. She was seriously struggling with money so I bought her December's food shop (knowing what she normally bought) with a few treats included one year and she was extremely pleased.

missnatalie70 · 03/12/2014 14:49

You could give them a Tesco gift card so they could choose whatever they want - no offense given then surely

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