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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is really boring me now.

13 replies

isitsupposedtobethishard · 30/11/2014 14:10

There is quite a long backstory to this, with regards to lots of unreasonable behaviour, but honestly, I would be here typing all day, so I'll get to the point Smile

I live with DP, with my 2 dc and his 2 dc that are here half the week and eow. This will be our fourth Xmas together.

Every year, there is a battle over contact with the dc, exw believes that as The Mother, it is her right to have the dc on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day, and DP can have them Boxing Day. There has been a rota in effect for the last couple of years, and this year, it's our turn to have them.

Now, because exw has had a baby a couple of months ago, over the last few weeks, she has trying to tell him that she is having the dc again this year, because it's the baby's first Xmas. DP, as you can imagine, is gutted. He has refused, and the dc, (10 & 13) have said that they want to be here as it's Dad's year and it's not fair.

I suppose my question is - can she actually do this? Can DP refuse to bring them home for Xmas Eve & Xmas Day?

There is nothing legal in place - the rota has worked, for the most part for the last few years, but no court order or anything.

Thanks.

OP posts:
stayanotherday · 30/11/2014 14:28

I don't know tbh. Perhaps you could check with the Citizens advice bureau or failing that a solicitor. It sounds difficult.

Hissy · 30/11/2014 14:34

if there is nothing formal in place and the children themselves want to spend time with their dad, then absolutely inform the exw that, no, they will be sticking to the rota and that her year is next year.

perhaps if she's reminded that actually next christmas will be WAY more fun for a toddler than a newborn, she may pick her battle better.

Hissy · 30/11/2014 14:36

DP needs to talk to her, tell her that the usual agreement stands this year and that this is what the children want.

then he needs to put that in writing. just in case..

getthefeckouttahere · 30/11/2014 14:59

Sorry but I was confused as to your title? Are you bored with the exw (understandable) or with your husband wanting christmas custody. (Not quite so understandable)
Without (or indeed with) a legal agreement there is little you can do if she refuses to hand over the kids. If they are old enough they could disregard her wishes and join you anyway. A firm line made clear well in advance will hopefully do the trick

Quitelikely · 30/11/2014 15:05

Tell him to tell DW that she has to think of her dc and not herself. This has put them in a terrible position which is why the contact rules need to be clear and consistent.

For everybodies sake!

Original poster
isitsupposedtobethishard · 30/11/2014 15:31

Ohhh god no getthefeck, I mean bored with the exw causing constant grief! I would have them here every year if we could, the same as my two. We're a happy family Smile

I've said that Hissy - the baby's only a couple of months old, it's not like he's going to remember this year! The dc have also said that to her.

We try so hard to keep everything on an even keel most of the time, but she's a massive pain in the arse with this sort of stuff. I had hoped that having the new baby would give her something else to focus on, but apparently not Hmm

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/11/2014 15:42

isitsupposed I don't think there is an easy answer or solution.

Yes, it is your DHs year to have his DCs for Christmas but just a word of caution, don't underestimate the potential for the DCs to be subjected to all sorts of emotional blackmail from DHs ex "how could you choose to be at your DFs instead of being with me?" "Don't you want to spend Christmas with your new little DB or DSis?" Etc etc ad nauseam! Those DCs could be put in a conflict situation, made to feel guilty for "choosing".

daisychain01 · 30/11/2014 15:48

Also, DCs will often say what they think the parent wants to hear, and will always be trying to please them:

When with their DF they will say they want to spend Christmas with him.

When they are with their DM they will say they want to spend Christmas with her.

I think it should be a decision that they should not be burdened with because they will feel they are upsetting someone, either their DF or DM. Piggy in the middle ....

pinkbear82 · 30/11/2014 15:59

Very difficult. There probably isn't an ideal answer.
could you do half of Christmas day? into boxing day. The exw gets Christmas eve and Christmas morning. You the rest?

Not ideal, but you both get some of 'the day'.

Original poster
isitsupposedtobethishard · 30/11/2014 16:03

That's the deal at the moment pink - one gets that one year and the other the next year. It's our turn!

I totally agree daisy, but they're old enough to decide for themselves.. I'm fully aware that they say what people want to hear, they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
isitsupposedtobethishard · 30/11/2014 16:14

I'm just worried that there's going to be a big showdown - this isn't regular but has happened once or twice between dp and exw over the last few years. It's Christmas, ffs. I hate there having to be confrontation - not by me, I hasten to add - and it infecting the mood of my house. Gah.

I'm just a bit annoyed that yet again, she needs to be the thing that we have to talk about all the time. And I want dp to have what's fair.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/11/2014 18:35

The trouble is that "deciding for themselves" involves them having to make a choice (even if you don't see it that way), it puts the burden onto them Sad

Faced with exactly the same dilemma as you and your DH (call it 'empowerment' or whatever) DP spoke with his DS (my DSS) aged 9 at the time - "enjoy Christmas with your DM, we can celebrate on 27th, as if it were Christmas".

Yes, DP lost the excitement of Christmas Day each year, but he decided it was a sacrifice worth paying, if it removed the dilemma and emotional pressure from DS. One day, maybe, DS will look back and realise why it was done.

There was no stipulation in the court order, and going back to court wasnt an option (futile, expensive, stressful and counterproductive to everyone). It stole his ExP's thunder, one less thing for her to cause shit over.

This year at aged 17, unprompted, DS said he can't stand Christmas, it's just another date and massively overhyped. He will be at his DM's as normal on 25th, I'm sure he'll enjoy the day, and we'll do our normal thing of holding off opening presents then open them together on 27th.

I'm only saying this because many a Christmas can become a battleground, and sometimes taking the difficult decision, may reduce stress for everyone, it certainly lets the DCs enjoy Christmas. If your DH can prevent "the showdown", he will be the bigger person for his DCs.

I know it may not be what you want to hear, sorry Sad, it can be a horrid time of year - and sometimes it is difficult to "see the wood for the trees" with all that stress. I hope it all works out well.

pinkbear82 · 01/12/2014 20:03

op you have my sympathy. I hope something is sorted and you get your time.
can't stand power games were the children are used as the prize. stand firm and I hope it comes right.

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