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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mate's BF Won't Leave!

23 replies

Lilwelshyrs · 29/11/2014 10:42

Hi guys,

A good friend of mine is currently trying to get out of a difficult relationship. They have been together on and off for 13 years. They are not married but haven't been living together for a huge amount of time either.

She owns the house - it was hers before she met him. Now that she has given him the ol' heave ho, he won't leave. He's not a very nice guy and is saying he's entitled to stay there because of the work he's put into the house over the years - it's his house too.

I've suggested she leaves the house (not to "give up" but because if she's miserable there, she can stay at mine - the house will always be hers) and seeks legal advice...

But where does she go? Who can she contact? Is she allowed to just change the locks when he's out of the house? I think she's a bit scared of him :(

TIA!

OP posts:

however · 29/11/2014 10:48

If it's in her name, she can change the locks. It's her house.

TwinkleDust · 29/11/2014 10:48

She should get legal advice now. Certainly not leave her home. It may be a simple matter of telling him to leave or the police will be involved, or it could be more complicated, e.g. tenants in common.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2014 11:10

She should not leave her home but instead employ legal means to get him out if he refuses to go.

What status does he have, is he tenants in common for instance?. Is this person at all named or either the mortgage or title deeds?.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2014 11:13

I've suggested she leaves the house

No. Get the locks changed whilst he is out. Call the cops if he starts getting nasty. If he wants a share, then advise him to go through legal means to get it.

LineRunner · 29/11/2014 11:16

She can change the locks.

If he comes back, she should call the police. They will warn him to stay away, but she does need to give him his belongings.

I've known of a man before trying to make a claim on a house because they did some work on it. That would be a civil legal matter and the ExBf would have to prove it. It certainly doesn't entitle him to live in the house in the meantime.

This is assuming he is not on the deeds.

Holdthepage · 29/11/2014 11:56

Change the locks & pack up his stuff for him to take away. If he wants to make a claim on the house then let him be the one to take legal advice first. She should definitely NOT leave her own house.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 29/11/2014 12:13

No, he's not on the deeds, thankfully. He has been paying her rent and despite her dumping him, he keeps paying her the rent... I've suggested that her bank can put a block on it? What can she do to stop him paying rent?!

So I will tell her:
Change the locks
Warn him with legal action and/or police?
Pack his belongings away and leave them for him to collect outside the property.

Legal advice-wise, if he starts demanding money from her because of the "work" he's done on the house, is it up to him to seek a solicitor?

OP posts:

Holdthepage · 29/11/2014 12:27

Shelter have very good advice regarding all types of tenancies. I think he would be classed as a lodger & has very few rights. There is a term used called "excluded occupier" which is worth checking out.

She should not pay him anything without taking legal advice but get him out first.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/11/2014 12:30

Agree with PPs. She needs to get the locks changed and let him know where to collect his belongings.

I'm fairly sure if neither he nor his belongings are there, he'll stop the rent payments.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2014 12:31

If he is paying rent then he is just a lodger. Not a clever one.

And yes, if he wants to contest a share/money, he would have to take his own legal advice. However if he has been paying rent [and not a portion of the mortgage] can't see it going anywhere.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 29/11/2014 12:33

I'm hoping if she calls her bank, they can help her out! I've forwarded the information on to her...

Changing the locks is very final and I totally agree it's the right thing to do, but I think that she is scared that it really is the end... But she deserves so much more than what he gives (or doesn't give) her :(

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 13:53

"No, he's not on the deeds, thankfully. He has been paying her rent and despite her dumping him, he keeps paying her the rent"

Accepting rent from a partner and letting him do work on the property could have secured him a "beneficial interest" in it. If he's got the funds to legally secure his interest in the property, the courts can force her to financially compensate him.

Partners in relationships should not charge each other rent! Lodgers do not enter into a committed, long-term sexual relationship with their landlords, share their bed and do work on their property, so she will definitely not get away with trying to persuade a court that he's been a lodger all this time.

Now, if the money she has been receiving from him was a share of utilities, council tax and food, that's a completely different story.

Quitelikely · 29/11/2014 14:17

Another one here who says change the locks when he is out. Once he goes quickly pack his things and leave them somewhere appropriate.

When he returns, if he makes a fuss, call the police who will remove him and also advise him that the matter of the house is a civil one and he will have to go through the courts.

Tryharder · 29/11/2014 14:47

Hmm. If they were a couple, then I don't think it's fair to describe the money that he gave towards her household expenses as 'rent'. He's not a lodger. Lodgers are people who rent a room from you, not partners or boyfriends.

Has he spent a lot of money on the house? I would be pretty upset too if I had invested a lot of time and money on my DP's house and then I was kicked out onto the street.

I'm not saying that this man has rights to the property but I think your friend has a moral obligation to make sure her XP is able to leave the house with some dignity and some financial redress, however minimal. You can't just expect him to pack a suitcase and go if he has nowhere to go to.

As with a lot of these threads, if it were a woman who was being kicked out of her male DP's property, the responses would be very different.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 29/11/2014 15:34

To be honest try harder, under these circumstances - no kids, making someone scared, not living there all that long, I don't think so. Totally different to a partner who had moved in, had kids, becone the main child carer, with subsequently limited income.

OP if she is scared call 101 for advice. They may be able to arrange for someone to be there, and if anything nasty does kick off - it might help if they have been contacted.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/11/2014 15:41

Tryharder she has given him a chance to leave with dignity. He won't leave. What other choices does she have? She can't live with him indefinitely simply because he's worked a lot on the house.

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 29/11/2014 18:05

Bitter In an earlier post I said that he insisted on paying his share of the rent despite her telling him not to.

She's not an unreasonable person - break ups are really tricky when there has been money invested into a property. If, when he does finally leave, they can come to an agreement with money he has put into it versus what she has done to the property, then I'm sure she won't turn around and tell him to knob off.

His financial situation is "incredibly well off". He owns two other properties and would certainly be not left out in the cold with nowhere to go. He's been very nasty about money in the past.

His renovations also include tearing out the bedroom and bathroom and not doing anything with them, but also not letting her find a professional to fix it up - she was having to shower at her parent's house for months!

I have suggested she changes the locks and gets her mum and sister round for moral support.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 29/11/2014 18:10

He has just been staying there and paying her for the. As for anything going on renovating wise, its neither here nor there. She has the right to call the police and get him out. To change the locks. Why isnt she doing that?

Original poster

Lilwelshyrs · 29/11/2014 18:14

I think she's scared, Tinks42. It takes a lot to get out of a long, and by the sounds of it quite emotionally abusive, relationship.
He's all she's known for 13 years. It's a big leap of faith in herself and until she does it, she won't realise how much she's put up with. She has her friends and family to support her, but it's still scary. Ultimately, she doesn't want a huge fight as she hates confrontation but she's also not sure what he's capable of.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 29/11/2014 18:28

Its a terrible situation OP and awful for you to watch but he has no recourse whatsoever where her property is concerned. He sounds very nasty and controlling but you can't help her unless she decides to help herself, Im sure you know that.

theonlygothinthevillage · 29/11/2014 18:34

Haven't RTFT but I'm in a similar situation albeit with a longer relationship. Since they're unmarried and he has no claim on the house she can call the police any time to remove him. I was given this advice by Women's Aid, your friend could contact them too. If I were her I'd tell him the facts and give him a choice between leaving peacefully and being forcibly removed (in fact, this is exactly what I've done with XP).

ChasedByBees · 29/11/2014 18:40

She shouldn't move out. I think she should seek immediate legal advice. His 'work' on the house doesn't exactly sound useful! From what you've said and my limited knowledge, he has no rights to stay - he's not exactly been smart about things.

No way should she leave though. He may claim squatters rights or anything and it could take an age to get him out. I absolutely think she needs tostay put.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 19:16

There's no such thing as "squatter's rights"! But there is such a thing as having the locks changed when your back is turned, so she must not let this happen.

If he's been emotionally abusive then his not leaving when asked is just a bit more abuse and intimidation. I'm not surprised that she's afraid of him. Getting rid of someone abusive is the most dangerous time. She needs to get the police round to "encourage" him to go quietly. Have her call them on 101 and tell them "she greatly fears a breach of the peace" once she's made it clear to him that he must go. They will come, even if they won't if it's a civil matter, which this is. A breach of the peace is not, it's a criminal one.

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