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Original poster

Is it that hard...

33 replies

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:01

... For DH to let me know he is going to be 2 hours late home?

I don't care, he went out drinking with a friend who's here from France. Great, fine, no big deal. But it was unplanned, and he knows I like him home a decent-ish time on a Friday.

Is it such a big deal to ask for a text/call if he's going to be so much later than planned?

He said he didn't get in touch because he knew I'd be angry...

Now he's flounced off because I've tried to talk to him about respect, again...

OP posts:

IsabeauMichelle · 29/11/2014 00:03

What do you call a 'decent-ish time'?

IsabeauMichelle · 29/11/2014 00:04

Actually, regardless of that, yanbu. It's just common courtesy, isn't it?

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:07

Well I bloody think so, but he's such a drama queen, even when I'm trying not to be!

OP posts:

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:08

Decent ish = 9 ish on a weekend, time for a drink or two after work, but back in time for some 'us time' too.

OP posts:

overslept · 29/11/2014 00:15

Well if I was out I would text if I was going to be later than I had said by more than 30 minutes or so, but even if I didn't it wouldn't be a big deal with my DP. He went out with his friend and was 6 hours late the other day, no hell broke loose .
I'm assuming 2 hours late means he said he would be back at 10 and got in just before midnight, not incredibly late for a friday. In your situation I would have anticipated DP coming in at shortly after pub closing time, time does tend to vanish when you have a drink with a friend you haven't seen for a while. Really though it isn't worth fighting about is it?

Drumdrum60 · 29/11/2014 00:17

Not worth bothering about unless he does it a lot.

Secretblackandmidnighthag · 29/11/2014 00:18

Wow overslept, you are just so chill. Tell us more about how cool you are.

IsabeauMichelle · 29/11/2014 00:19

I don't know, how often does he go out? How often is he late? Do you get time off to go out?

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:19

Believe me I don't want to fight (we do enough of that of late), but I'd have liked a call or text. He was supposed to be picking up dinner (and wine!)

OP posts:

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:20

And no, not much time off/out. Once in a blue moon really, and I always say if I'm running late.

OP posts:

Tobyjugg · 29/11/2014 00:21

He said he didn't get in touch because he knew I'd be angry...

Been there. Done that. Used the same excuse. Didn't work for me either.

overslept · 29/11/2014 00:21

Secretblackandmidnighthag ? wtf?

If my DP gave me a 9pm curfew I wouldn't be pleased and would find it a bit controlling tbh.

IsabeauMichelle · 29/11/2014 00:25

I would too overslept. Nobody would be telling me a time to be home by, I'm a grown woman.

But I still think it's thoughtless and bad manners to not text and say you're going to be late home.

LadyLuck10 · 29/11/2014 00:29

I think the 9pm curfew time is a but ridiculous op. I eat supper that late sometimes so having a drink afterwards happens much later.
However knowing that 9pm is usually the time he comes home, he should have let you know.
Dh and I keep in contact during nights out if we are out separately, just out of courtesy.

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:31

Jeez it's not a curfew! The drinks were unplanned, I've been at home with sick DS all day, and he gets plenty of drinking time after work in the week. No curfew.

If he's called and said do u mind him staying later I'd have had no issue, I just want some RESPECT.

He's brick walling me on it now though.

OP posts:

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:32

Sorry, typos.

OP posts:

MyFirstName · 29/11/2014 00:45

I used to feel like you about DH's Thursday nights. Now I just relish the me time, the watching cookery programmes without feeling a bit bad as he finds them dull.

He always lets me know he is out for a drink and says he will be home at eg 9ish - but now I think "if he is great, if not - never mind." He is an adult. He can get home on his own. Even if a bit drunk. And he can sometimes get the beer-monster in him and stays for "just one more" several times over. It is once a fortnight/once a month. Meh. Me getting het up did not change his behaviour - it just made me feel crap and angry. And as PP have said I would hate it if I had to cull a spontaneous, good night out for some unnecessary curfew.

I am sorry your DS is ill. But unless you actually need your DH to do something what good would coming of dragging him home from a (probably) infrequent chance to catch up with a friend who's here from France.

Try to let it go. And next time. Truly. The peace you will find is a much better way to spend a night in alone.

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 29/11/2014 00:49

I appreciate what you've said, and I wouldn't have demanded he come home at all! What I'm saying, very clearly, is why do men find it so hard to just fucking call?? Or even text?? "love, beers are flowing, mind if I go for a curry?"
Instead, he says nothing, arrives home 2 hours late and then sulks because I very nicely pull him up on it???

OP posts:

whitsernam · 29/11/2014 00:57

Juggling I'm with you on this one. If he said one thing, and then did another without letting you know what was up, that is definitely disrespectful, especially as you expected him to bring home dinner!! How hard can it be to text or call??? and sulking? He needs to grow up.But I don't know how you get him to do that... maybe talk when he's clear-headed tomorrow? Maybe turn the tables next time you're out and he's home with DS?

bouffanteh · 29/11/2014 13:42

I take offense to the "men" comment so yeah, I'd find it disrespectful if mine didn't send a polite text to mention he was going to be late. Which he wouldn't. When we're out separately we stay in touch just to know plans. If one is in, one is out we say when we're coming home. It's just manners.
id be fucked off about the wine though

dreamingbohemian · 29/11/2014 13:54

I think you're splitting hairs on the curfew thing. You may not call it a curfew but if you expect him home by 9 and get upset if he's not, then it's basically a curfew.

Would you really have said no problem if he'd called?

Don't get me wrong, he should have texted, especially as he was meant to get dinner, but I think expecting him home at 9 was unreasonable in the first place so you were setting yourself up to be disappointed. Friday night, a friend he never sees, there's no way I'd expect someone back by 9 unless we had a very specific plan like dinner out somewhere.

Mariposa10 · 29/11/2014 14:02

He didn't want to come back and sit at home with you, he wanted to go out with a friend. You need to accept that. He didn't tell you because he knew if he did, he would get a load of grief and it would spoil the evening/he would be guilt tripped into coming back. I don't blame him to be honest.

If a man had said on here that he 'expects his wife back at a decent time on a Friday' people would tell him where to go, and justifiably so.

bigbuttons · 29/11/2014 14:11

yes he should have called, but you don't have a right to expect him home at a reasonable time, he is not a child.

BackforGood · 29/11/2014 14:19

In life generally, if anyone is going to be much later than expected, yes, they should let whoever is waiting know.
However.
If an adu,t is going out for a couple of drinks with someone - especially someone thy dont see often - I wouldn't have an expectaion of them being home at any particular time..id have sorted my own food.
No expectation = cant be late / no anxiety.

Nothing to do with being a man or not. I dont put that expectation on dh and he doesnt on me.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 14:20

If I was expecting him home, and he was supposed to be picking up dinner and wine on the way, I'd be absolutely furious not to receive a call or text, so I could make alternative arrangements for myself.

He's a berk, and a rude and thoughtless one at that.

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