When does Facebook 'nosiness' of ex’s become something more? Stalking or Just curious

[timetogetreal]

Almost everyone in a solid relationship will look up their ex's on Facebook. But how often is it acceptable.

If a DH/DW have been together for over 20 years and suddenly one starts peeking at ex’s photos, profiles etc from their teenage years, BUT is not a ‘FB friend’ with them, when does it stop being just curiosity to perhaps a little sign that all may not be well.

Personally, I think a nostalgic look for a teenage ex you’ve not seen or spoken to in over 25 years is absolutely fine, even fun. But, I also think there comes a point when the frequency of such ‘peeking without actually being a friend’ can signal perhaps regret, not necessarily over missing out on a particular ex, rather regret over where their life has ended up.

There’s stacks of cases on MN and elsewhere when FB has been pivotal in break ups etc (not the cause thou). Perhaps the trick is to spot signs highlighted through FB usage and try to work things out before they turn into shitstorms.

What are you thoughts on the frequency of such peeks: never?, once in a blue moon? nightly?

If you're getting nostalgic after an ex surely that's a red flag that all is not right in your relationship?

I don't have fb so no idea if it's normal or not but I'd be pretty upset if a partner was daydreaming about his ex

For me its like bumping into an ex in the pub or shop. If they started getting out photos and telling you all about their life, most people would think its too much, especially if their DW/DH was stood next to them. A quick hello and even a polite chat would be ok. If it ended up as a thing that happened regularly then DW/DH would soon get pissed off - no different on FB (except of course it can be done sneakily on FB).

Why first post?

Hi and welcome to Mumsnet OP

Your question is very interesting -why do you ask ? I'd like to hear your views and experiences

If your dp is looking up his ex's facebook on a nighly basis I would worry that he was entertaining fantasies about how things could be, or is actually trying to find out where she lives and trying to stalk her.
But i am a suspicious person.

Why not just say what is going on and you may actually get some useful advice.

Welcome to mumsnet, op. please don't be shy, tell us all about what's bothering you can't be arsed researching, deadline

I'm genuinely curious as to what others who use social media do on it and think about its use.

I remember when Friends Renuinted was the thing; I thought what's the point, I still see my real friends now; sure its nice to catch up but there only so much to say! Ive also never been one for reunions etc...

In truth, I also have a few skeletons I'd rather stay well and truly locked away.

I'm not on FB so I'm pretty clueless about social media 'etiquette', etc.

I find it hard to truly believe that people in happy relationships who claim to look at their ex's profile to see how 'crap' things turned out for them; perhaps they're not being totally honest with themselves - if I had a bad experience with somebody they'd never enter my head!

So back to it, how often do users check in on ex's they're not 'friends' with and what are their feeling about it.

Looking up all exs or just one in particular? I've looked up pretty much all my old exes (when I've remembered their names) I've also looked up old neighbours, old colleagues, old schoolfriends etc. I think it's normal to have a little nosey nostalgia once in a while. I've never tried to re-connect with exes though.

Incidentally re frequency - probably only the once and that's it.

People generally start spying on ex's when there's a problem, although how many would admit this is another thing.

Surely its unhealthy to be looking at people profiles you used to be intimate with. It's a bit like spying on them thru the curtains!!!

Time to get real -so why don't you join Facebook to find out what it's all about ?

There are lots of articles online about social media etiquette . The internet is a wonderful thing, very educational

Do tell us about the skeletons in your cupboard .

And do tell us why you decided to join Mumsnet, since you are new to social media ? Have you just got a computer ?