You need to decide what you want to do for your 50th

[TrebleTime]

Because

"I have no idea what you want"

This is from my partner of 18 years who I have helped tremendously with access arrangements for his own 2 children who are grown up now, who I have a DD with (primary age) and who leaned heavily on me during both his frail parents respective illnesses and subsequent passing.

Cheers DH, I feel so special.

So mumsnetters - how shall DD and I celebrate my birthday - I'm assuming as DR can't be arsed to organise anything fir me then it's perfectly ok not to include hI'm in what I organise?

When is your birthday and what's your budget?

What kind of thing do you like doing? Weekend away? Shopping spree? "Experience day"?, party, new car,
Give us something to go on....

Were you hoping he would organise a surprise for you or that he would ask you for some suggestions and then go away and organise something?

Well, what do you want to do?

It sucks that he doesn't know - I don't like that at all - but let's start with making you happy.

Perhaps do get him started - maybe give him a category (party in the pub with lots of friends, or intimate dinner/weekend away, experience day, etc) - but make it clear that if you have to lift another finger thereafter, There'll Be Words.

Weekend or a week away if it's in budget. Something you've always wanted to do.

I'm planning in going to do the Inca Trail for mine. I've got a few yrs to save up though.

Ooh, go for an amazing city break somewhere like Budapest or Prague.

I wouldn't be so angry at him. He's probably not very confident with presents and scared of getting it wrong on such an important birthday.

DH asked me what I'd like for Christmas yesterday. Rather I give him some hints than end up with something I don't like.

What do you want? I had a fantastic surprise dinner (genuine surprise) including people I had not seen for ages, in a private dining room in a beautiful hotel where we slept over. DH had arranged it all and arranged childcare so we could be away for the night. I loved it, you might not. We will gloss over the intense disappointment of my 40th birthday.
For his 50th we will be going to a sporting event in the US, he has been going on about it for years. I will organise it, but he is very specific about what he wants. Otherwise I would ask him what he wanted to do, because I have felt the pain of being disappointed, and seen his pain for having caused that disappointment because he misinterpreted what I had said I wanted.
As far as I can see your partner has not refused to organise anything, he has asked what you want to do, not the same thing at all, unless I have failed to read between the lines properly.

DH asked me and he loves me very much. He just was really concerned that his idea might not be what I really wanted to do and he knows that I didn't want a party.

It wasn't a sign that he didn't care it was a sigh that he wanted it to be perfect and was slightly intimidated by the weight of the occasion.

I will probably ask him what he wants when he turns 50 - and I adore him.

You may be over reacting a tad.

OP. I wonder if this isn't just the straw that broke the camel's back? Does he not support you generally?

I think you are BU if you are annoyed with him about saying that! My DH would say the same, but only because he is under confident in predicting what I want/think, not because he wants to give me the responsibility of it

Can I just ask ( as gently as possible) - is some of your anger because you don't know what you want and that makes you feel a bit shit?

You seem to see his desire to please you and need to ask what would make you happy as an issue, but not your own need to ask a bunch of strangers

My DH would absolutely say that, not because he doesn't love me and he isn't an inconsiderate man. But simply that he'd be more worried about cocking it up and letting me down.

So why don't you give him some suggestions and then let him get on with the final details, or you could be all huffy about it and cut your nose off to spite your face.

Oops. See, this is why I should leave posting in Relayionships to Pag.

I think it depends - if you are the sort of person who enjoys most easy-to-organise things such as parties, dinners etc then he is being a bit slack.

If you are 'tricky' and like quite specific things, then you need to give him some ideas.

He has asked you what you want. This would be so much better for me than a "surprise" of something I don't want . I have just found out that DH had meant to organise a very nice "posh" lunch for my 50th (in a month's time) with him and ds for my birthday. I can't think of anything worse than having to sit through this with a ds with ADHD and have told him so.

What I would have liked was to meet some of my old friends for a dinner or something (we moved a few years ago and I don't see many of my old friends any more) but it is too late to organise this now , given how near my birthday is to Christmas and how busy people are then.

I wanted a big birthday party for my 40th (but DS was born 4 weeks beforehand so that didn't happen). I also wanted one for my 50th but knew I would have to organise it but just haven't managed to find the time. Also although I would have loved the actual event of a party, I would have found organising it quite stressful, hence why I didn't do it in the end really, plus the expense.

We will instead do what I always do on my birthday, go to the cinema, meal with DH, get a babysitter for DS. A girlfriend has also organised a spa evening with a couple of her fiends and I am going to that but it won't be with all of my friends so not exactly what I wanted

I know dh loves me and he really wanted me to know that it wasn't that he hadn't thought about it. He just lacked the imagination to see that I would have liked to be surrounded by more than just dh and ds for my birthday celebration. I think Dh struggles to understand this as he could';t think of anything worse fora birthday treat than a big party. He just wants it to be me and ds and him and that is all he needs. I have a ds with autismn and adhd so I don't take any of this personally. In fact I should have been more specific earlier about what I wanted but I know that I often find it hard to be this assertive so things ended up sliding til it is too late to do much else.

OP - tell your dh, precisely what you would like and then sit back and enjoy the fact that he will do all the work of organising it for you.

So he doesn't know and you don't know either? How is that making him wrong?

You sound stressed and angry at him. Something to relax you may be good?

I asked DH the same question not long ago. Not because I don't care or cba to think about it but because I want him to be able to do something that he wants to rather than want I think he wants to do.
It's a good job too because my idea was way down his to do list
If you don't know either there's not much difference between the pair of you.

I am in exactly the same boat. I've been with DH for 25 years and he is the kindest, lovest man ever who gives me everything and he has said the same thing.

I've told him I don't want anything at all ( I mean that). A meal out with him and the boys would be great.