Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Maybe I should be 'playing games'

24 replies

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 19:59

So I have been dating for a couple of months following a break-up after a 1 year relationship. I've never been one for playing games, I don't have the time or the inclination for it. So, one guy I had a couple of dates with I told that I wasn't seeing anyone else, he didn't mention anything. A few weeks down the line he messaged me to say that he was seeing someone else and he wanted to give it a go with her. This pissed me off no end. I felt like I'd lost a battle I didn't know I was fighting. I wish he'd been honest from the start.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I've been seeing this great guy who is lovely. We have so much in common, get on great and it's all so easy and comfortable. It's clear I'm really falling for him so I tell him and now he's gone all distant.

I should be playing hard to get shouldn't I?

OP posts:

RoganJosh · 11/11/2014 20:01

No. It only prolongs a ropey relationship. If you're right for each other then you should be able to be honest from the start.

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:04

I do actually feel like we can be completely honest with each other. It's just that after I told him today, he's just been a bit distant. Of course I could be imagining it, he could be busy, he may not have had time to reply. I'm 49 and behaving like a 15 year old. Oh dear, this is not like me at all.

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 11/11/2014 20:05

Could it be that you are falling for people too soon/easily? I might be wrong but the time scale of your op does suggest that. I'm not surprised he's gone distant, coming on too strong at the start is a red flag for many people.

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:05

I'm 40 goddammit, 40! Jeez, it was hard enough turning 40 never mind anything else!

OP posts:

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:07

I would think that, but it was him who coming on strong from the start. Actually after the first date I was a bit 'meh' but he persisted with his loveliness and 2 weeks later I was sold.

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 11/11/2014 20:09

Ah that could give a different spin on things. Some people enjoy the power of making people fall for them and then lose interest when they've 'won'.

FrancisdeSales · 11/11/2014 20:11

I agree with Rogan you need to be natural and yourself not second guessing and playing games. You may have been used to being comfortable to be free with your feelings after being in your last relationship and so far you're meeting cautious guys. I was friends with DH for a few months and we decided to try dating; within about 3 weeks we knew we wanted to get married and were within the year. Now married 18 yrs! i was gobsmacked at the time as I think I assumed all relationships would take a few years before getting close to marriage.

So I suppose my point is, you need to be relaxed and comfortable and when it's right it just is. Meaningful relationships are not founded on games.

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:11

Oh, fuck, I thought he was a nice one.

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 11/11/2014 20:15

He might well be. The point is that you don't know him well enough to tell yet. There's a big difference between playing games and protecting yourself at the start when you meet someone new.

Quitelikely · 11/11/2014 20:15

I would never show my cards first! Just how I am, I don't see it as game playing rather a good defence strategy!

What did he say when you told him?

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:26

I told him I was really falling for him, that I'd come off the dating website and I wasn't seeing anyone else. He hasn't replied.

OP posts:

gottafindaman4yagirl · 11/11/2014 20:32

piper I have read that men like to chase women and work for their affection. Its not playing games to be cautious with your feelings.When you feel strong chemistry for another its hard not to get anxious and want to know where you stand. No one wants to get hurt.

I am dating a guy, been a month and I felt that because we were intimate that we should either be exclusive and come off old or continue our search for another. If I am going to invest my body, time and emotions then I don't want to play games.
He actually got offended that I would even think of dating other people at the same time, but I understood that some old have a few on the go.

If he's into you he will be in touch, don't chase him and if he's not for you then don't waste your time because you don't know who's round the corner.

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:47

Ok, panic over. He just messaged me saying he isn't seeing anyone else either, that he can't believe how well we get on together and that I'm the first thing he things of in the morning and last thing at night. Awwwww..

OP posts:

Original poster

PiperRose · 11/11/2014 20:48

*think of

OP posts:

FrancisdeSales · 11/11/2014 20:51

So being yourself wasn't such a bad idea after all! He was probably somewhat overwhelmed and needed time to process his thoughts and feelings.

mollypollly · 11/11/2014 21:00

Yay! Really happy for you OP

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 11/11/2014 21:03

There you go OP!

But a word in your ear....do play it a bit cool. It works.

CheersMedea · 12/11/2014 13:44

So, one guy I had a couple of dates with I told that I wasn't seeing anyone else, he didn't mention anything.

Generally, if you are doing OLD, the impression I get is that you should assume that men are seeing other people until they tell you directly they are not.

I told him I was really falling for him, that I'd come off the dating website and I wasn't seeing anyone else. He hasn't replied.

Glad it appears to be going OK, OP - but this is a bit keen in my view at the stage you are at. A relationship takes time to develop and men still basically like to take the lead. Enjoy it but wait for him to make the first move at each stage - he should be the first one suggesting a weekend away, he should be the first one suggesting leaving a toothbrush at his house etc etc. Baby steps.

Original poster

PiperRose · 12/11/2014 14:34

Cheers That all sounds a bit 1950's to me. Why should he be suggesting everything?

OP posts:

GarlicNovember · 12/11/2014 15:12

I was thinking he might simply be taking a bit of time to digest what you'd said - posting on Mansnet, or whatever :)

You're good to go with your emotional honesty, then. Top stuff!
Of course, you'll be able to stay honest if your feelings start to change ... I agree, it's healthier to be straightforward than manipulative.

AYellowCreation · 12/11/2014 16:08

I'm a similar age to you and have come to realise that things have changed to how it used to be. Long ago I'd 'go out' with someone and that would be a 'relationship' until one of us ended it.

These days its more a case of 'going out' with someone to find out if you get on and whether its worth carrying on. OD makes it possible to have several people you are 'going out' with at the same time. What I've learned is not to invest for several years too soon.

GarlicNovember · 12/11/2014 18:02

It's twenty years since I was 40 and I definitely had parallel relationships I was also completely open about it. If anyone didn't like it they could go & find some woman who would make a commitment quickly.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 12/11/2014 23:03

Good news OP, I am pretty modern but I have always maintened that until a man is ready to call me his Girfrield, he is doing all the chasing I am afraid. Once established and my fragile heart is secure, then I will equal the effort. I am so bad that 3.5 years in he sends the first text and he calls any night we are not together. I should call and text more. I know.....

Dirtybadger · 12/11/2014 23:23

I dont believe men "like" to do anything (take the lead, work for it, blah blah) more than women...unless they're a bit sexist/narrow minded, or course. Same applies to women insisting on the reverse. Ludicrous. But you don't want those ones anyway, so not to worry! No need to be chasing a bloke who insists upon man as hunter or whatever bullshit they want to dress their fragile ego up in.

That said, take it easy. If it's only been a few weeks (from my understanding)- I think you are both at risk of having the initial happy hormones/excitement of the relationship run away with you.

Flip