DD moving out...not feeling as I expected, when the day finally has arrived

[wearymum73]

My DD who is 19 this week has just told me that she is moving out at the end of the month, I should feel a bit upset that she is moving on, but all I can feel is immense relief.
For the past 3 years it has been absolutely awful, step toeing around each other, or it would cause another major argument, and I have not been able to start a new relationship as things have been so bad, as no one could ever come into my life when things have been the way they are.
Even though I'm feeling so relieved,I also feel extremely guilty for not feeling some sadness that it has come to this.
I also have no idea how long it will take to build the bridges back so she can come home for Sunday lunch.
I'm not sure what I'm asking you for, but maybe reassurance I will get a relationship back with her one day?

I was like that with my mum in my teens, I could never talk to her nicely and everything she said made me mad. I feel so bad about it! Poor woman. But now we are very close, I just had to move out and grow up.

Oh you will. I get along with my parents a lot better now we don't live together.

A work colleague mentioned to me that his only child was leaving home....i said 'no, I can't bear the thought if it'. He said 'you haven't had to live with a teenager yet though have you.....'

I can't say I felt differently about my parents when I moved out but i'm sure that won't be the case for you. Don't feel bad- enjoy your freedom!

Daisy, that made me smile :-)
Coolas, I like your idea for a dinner out in a few weeks, a neutral ground might help things more

I left at 18, having spent the the previous 2 years waiting for DM to murder me and vice versa. We spoke again 4 years later*, when we had learned that neither of us would ever admit defeat. Polite cheerfulness for the next 25 years seemed to work.

I think it is natural for young people to move out and all the better that you aren't trying to hold her back. Hopefully absence with make the heart grow fonder but the important thing is that you have brought up your child to adulthood and independence. Congratulations!

It will be fine. It can be unhealthy for adult parent and children to live together. There is no way I could live with my mum and no way she would want me to. With our own space and our own lives, we get along extremely well.

I think the not getting on in the same way is developmental, in the same way that toddlers test boundaries your daughter has been doing the same. I have a friend whose daughter has just returned after 4 years of university. She is longing for her daughter to earn enough to leave (in fact I don't know any adults who are enjoying living with their adult children).

By the time I moved out at 18 I hated my parents and vice versa. Two years after that we made up and now we're all really close .

weary if I had to live with my DC1 I swear one of us would be charged with manslaughter! Grown up kids are not meant to be living with their parents full time, it is a natural progression to become independent. She was home for a fleeting visit at the weekend and we rowed! And yet I miss her a lot. We just can't live together, it is impossible.

Don't beat yourself up that you are looking forward to it. I was too. But not in a simple way. I wept buckets and I missed her yet I wanted her to go?! Our relationship is x1000 better for not living together. She's not stupid and she knows this too. Most of the time when we get together we get on and have fun.

weary I am not sure what your relationship is like now with your DD, but having the breathing space of not being on top of one another means you can slowly but surely rebuild something. If she still lived there, it would stall and you probably wouldn't be able to...

I'm 26 and have a much better relationship with my Dad as an adult. The short time I did live back with my parents after uni was the worst. Living abroad has done wonders as well, I know he misses me and I miss him.

I'm currently planning a few months back in the UK staying with my mum (with a new baby) and I know it'll hold challenges for us both

I like Coyoacan's comment re raising a child to adulthood, you've done your bit and can sit back, relax and watch her make her own way, with the knowledge that in all probability she'll thank you later.

Living apart can heal rifts. She knows where you are. It sounds healthy to me. (Maybe resist changing her bedroom too soon in case she moves back shortly?).

My DH's relationship with his parents was much improved when he moved out. This could well be the best thing to happen for your relationship.

Wearymum - I kicked my son out a week before his 18th birthday. He had been making our lives hell to be frank and after yet another huge early morning row when he got abusive at me trying to get him up for college, it all kicked off and he ended going out the front door with my boot up his arse.

It was horrible and I felt terrible .. but it turned out to be the best thing I could have done, and my son says the same. It was the making of him. Like you I had terrible mixed emotions, guilt, sadness but also relief. The house was peaceful at last for me and my daughter (who was about to do her GCSEs and who was being inpacted horribly but the rows and atmosphere caused by my son's disruptive behaviour). As time passed, although I missed him terribly I couldn't deny how much better home life was without him there.

He moved back home two years later - a different person. Polite, thoughtful, 'grown up' intelligent and we are closer than we've ever been. In September he went off to Uni (slightly older than most - but he dropped out of college three times before finally knuckling down and doing the work he needed to do to get his 'A' levels) and we speak on the phone pretty much every day. He's coming home for a few days this week and I can't wait to see him. We have a wonderful relationship and I am so proud of the fine young man he has turned out to be.

Your daughter has some growing up to do and she will, in her own time.

My daughter moved out 7 years ago when she was 18. Our relationship with her had become strained, to put it mildly, so her moving out was a relief for everyone. Since then we have actually got much closer, we speak a few times a week and see each other pretty regularly. She has grown into a lovely young lady, who I enjoy spending time with. If she had stayed at home,I dread to think what our relationship would be like now.

This could be the best thing that happens for both of you