we hardly ever have sex anymore

[gossipgirl81]

Hi, I am hoping some of you can help or give your opinion.
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we are both in our 30s and we also live together. We both work full time and I also do an evening course, I am also on anti depressants.
My worry is that we hardly ever have sex anymore, the last time was 2 weeks ago and before that it was 6 weeks ago. It's weird though because we are always kissing and hugging and being really affectionate, so we do still find each other attractive and I know we love each other as well as I care about him deeply and we are always telling each other.
I know from my side of things, my sex drive is non existent, I'm always tired with juggling work, my course and the anti depressants dampen down my sex drive as well.
I just feel bad about this and feel like there is something wrong that we hardly ever do it. Plus I am hoping to get pregnant but at this rate, it will never happen!!
I would really welcome any help or opinions, thanks

Have you talked to him about it?

What is the plan with your ADs? Are you being phased off them or given CBT or counselling too? Long term ADs are being discouraged and some evidence says they don't really work- talking therapies and lifestyle changes are needed.
You might have- and should have- been told that ADs kill libido- it's a known side effect. I really think you are not in a good place to even think about having a child- if you cannot cope with work and your course then there is no way you could handle another human being as well!
Don't even think of getting PG unless you sort out yourself and your life and relationship- it's asking for trouble and a child shouldn't be thrown into all of that.

But if you are both happy with that amount of sex then that's fine- it's only a problem if one of you is climbing the walls with frustration.

Thanks for the replies, yes I have spoken to him, he doesn't have a really high libido so he isn't pestering me for it or anything like that, but I just feel like a crap girlfriend as I never feel like doing it.
I did change my anti depressants to see if it made a difference to my libido but it hasn't, maybe I will try and come off them for 6 months and see if it makes any difference. I am not majorly depressed or anything, they just help me feel in a better mood. I know you are saying that I shouldn't have a baby at the moment, but I'm 34 and I don't have any children and I feel like time is ticking on, plus I do love him and want us to get married eventually.

TBH if you are not severely depressed then you could try working out what is behind the low mood- overwork, lack of job satisfaction? Exercise has been shown to be as good as ADs for mild to moderate depression.
If you can't cope now then a baby is not the answer- even at 34- and you still have a good 6- 8 years.

Most likely there is nothing wrong with you and it's the anti-depressants. I'd definitely recommend talking to your Doctor about coming off them and seeing how you do. Probably a good idea to track your mood with something like moodscope so that you can see if coming off the anti-depressants is not working out.

Oh, the other thing to say is that most anti-depressants aren't recommended for use while pregnant or breastfeeding - a normal dose for an adult is high for a developing baby - so it would definitely be best to sort that out before becoming pregnant.

Are you sure you are not judging yourself based on some imaginary 'standard' for required amount of sex?

You say you have a low libido due to the antidepressants, he has a low sex drive as well.... yet you are both affectionate and otherwise happy. Not everybody is at it like rabbits, it might be that every few weeks is enough for you both.

Thanks for the replies, yes I have spoken to him, he doesn't have a really high libido so he isn't pestering me for it or anything like that, but I just feel like a crap girlfriend as I never feel like doing it

Sounds like you need another chat.

If he's no got a high sex drive atm either then you might be beating yourself up about something that he's happy with anyway.

Communication really is the key to any good relationship and something far more important than sex

From experience, I know that when you're depressed it usually affects your sex drive. My advice would be to sit down and talk to your DP. Ask him whether he is concerned about your sex life. I can see that the only/best way forward is getting all of this out in the open and letting your DP help you discover why things aren't as you would like. Good luck OP.

If you're not depressed you shouldn't have been prescribed ADs! Do you remember the consultation in which your GP prescribed them? Its ridiculous how many people are on these horrible things unnecessarily! They're not good for you long term at all, and unless you're significantly depressed should only be a last resort IMO.

I suggest reading some Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity is good). It sounds like you are letting intimacy take over from eroticism. This happens a lot and if two people of particular sensibilities get together, a relationship can end up fraternal rather than sexual pretty quickly.

Thanks to you all for the replies and the advice, I really appreciate it and I feel a lot better about things, I spoke to my bf this morning and he seems to think that it is normal that we only do it once every few weeks, plus I am going to come off the A-Ds and see if that makes any difference.
Its funny how at the start of a r/ship , you are at it like rabbits and wear matching underwear etc to now, where I just wear whatever is in the underwear drawer and any old pyjamas!!

I think it is pretty normal, actually, in the sense that 'normal' covers a very wide range. I'm feeling quite pleased with myself at the moment because my sex life has gone up to every few weeks. And I know several couples (because my friends and I talk about this sort of thing) who are the same.

It's only a problem if one of you is genuinely unhappy about it, feeling unsatisfied or unwanted - as opposed to fine with the sex itself but worried it's not meeting some arbitrary standard of frequency. It's something to think about every so often, make sure you're not drifting out of attraction altogether. But don't panic!

There you go Gossip. All that's important is you and your partner, and he's ok with it so you were worrying about something he was in with.

If you're going to come off the AD's then be sure to do it with your GP's support