Another MIL thread

[Bluesummer20]

This is my first post so here goes.
If you absolutely hate your MIL (with good reason to) does your DP/DH know the extent of your feelings, or do you manage to hide your feelings,after all she is his mother?!

My then DH not only knew but shared my dislike of his step-mother. He didn't like his father much and went NC for a long time, but I found him tolerable in small doses. MIL was very overtly nasty, especially in writing, and he used to intercept the post from her and literally burn it rather than let me read it. So if you have 'good reason' to hate your MIL presumably it's pretty obvious that you don't like her and not just some secret personality clash?

I try really hard to say nothing. He knows I don't like them but he has no idea how much.

Thankfully they went nc with us. I have no idea how I would cope seeing them impose themselves on my children.

Thanks for your replies, he knows I find her trying because he does as well and we joke about it. We don't see her often but I find myself moody prior to her visits as I try and prepare myself for her behaviour so was wondering on whether to explain why this is. Our relationship is fantastic otherwise, I don't quite understand how such a vile person brought up such a fantastic man!!

Yes, my DH agrees with my reasons. She also knows as I challenged her on some things. DH would prefer I was not as open about my feelings, I don't speak to her anymore and he tries to maintain a relationship.

My DH thinks the sun shines out of MIL's backside - I've put him right about her more than a few times in the 20odd yrs we've been together!

We don't discuss it, but he knows.

I tolerate her because he wants to live in peace.
We see her every two months or so.

I don't like my mil, it's common knowledge, we have no contact. Dp and dcs think she's wonderful, I just let them feel what they want, and as long as they respect my feelings too then all is well.

Hate is a very strong word.

If my DH had hated my mother I don't think we would have stayed married. Fortunately, they got on really well, but if he had hated her it would make me question my relationship with someone who could hate someone I loved so much.

Just last night we were talking about something that happened years ago, she had called my mum about something, and turns out she had lied to him about what my mum had said to her. I asked if he knows that was a lie and he's convinced it's not, if she told him the sky was pink & green polka dots he would believe her. It's infuriating but I'm not letting it come between us anymore

He always knew I'm not that keen on her but only realised I actively dislike her when he suggested seriously that we move in with her to save on rent. She is extremely emotionally abusive and unrepentant, and I had never heard anything like it before!

He doesn't know I would be happy if she died. I was so happy when FIL died as he was worse! I'm settling for just trying to undo the worst of the harm she inflicts.

In case anyone doubts how bad parents' EA can be, read the Stately Homes thread. They are easily as bad as many on there. There have been addictions, severe mental health problems and even suicide amongst their children. Nothing to do with them, obviously - they say they don't understand why they have such weak children who do nothing to be proud of!

If an impending visit makes you anxious or bad-tempered then you have to explain why .... and try to stick to specifics if you can. What is she likely to do or say that is causing you to feel stressed? If you can identify the particular pressure points and share them with DH he can step in better if he sees one about to happen.

I don't hate her I actually used to be very fond of her but once her son asked me to marry him her dislike of me showed....then once we had DS Her pure hatred of me showed so that everyone seen it. I don't hate her I hate how she makes me feel about myself. I just say we don't get along so best we stay out of each others way but hate is too strong IMO

I didn't hate MIL, I always felt sorry for her. I did hate the way she isolated DH from his siblings, made him different/other.

I did make sure he got back a relationship with her on his own terms, regardless of how I felt. I did go NC because of the weird family dynamic that meant I wasn't part of it because I had only married in - but BILs gf/wife was central to the family.

From my experience, the best way to go is to tell DH as much as you feel comfortable with, that you don't want contact but will support him with whatever he wants. We lived like that for years, I would do every other Christmas and any important family dos, weddings, not birthdays etc. After her death I have been 100% NC with all of his family.

I did the whole smiling, nodding and leating her get away with everything.
SHe did/said whatever she wanted.

I had councilling when I was pregnant because of my anxiety towards her and how she made me feel.
After that, I developed a back bone. I called her up on alot of stuff, didn't give into her demands etc.
Luckily DH was on my side.

She went into over drive and I just exploded. Told DH that was it now, I'm not being treated like that anymore and the kids deserve better. He agreed.
It's been over a year now and it's been lovely.

I hated her. I really did. Now I feel extremely sorry for her. She could of had the whole package. Her son, DIL, Grandchildren and all the jobs that come along with it.
She blew it.

*joys ha!

I changed the way I am with them rather than expect them to change.
I used to feel furious and anxious when they were due a visit or we were going up but then I started to see it as an opportunity to do something with dd1 or see friends.
I spend time with them but if I don't feel like it i don't.
I cook if I want to but not if I don't want to.
They can make their own endless teas and coffees and if they want to sit around in the house all day they can but I don't have to.
It's really helped and poor dh doesnt have to be stuck in the middle all the time.