DH searching for girl he cheated with before we were married - WHY???

[HelenS76]

Renewed thread as lots are surprised about FB search history, but little genuine advice.
My DH of 20 years has been searching on Facebook for someone he ‘cheated’ with before we were married. He met her on a lads holiday but they also met in secret afterwards. When I found out he swore it was just friends. I was heartbroken but we were quite young and I naively believed him. In the years since he has said he regrets things that happened and has continually beaten himself up about the past, but has never actually admitted what went on.
He always deletes the history every time he uses the iPad, but I discovered his searches when he left FB logged on, although I don’t think he’s actually found her. He’s a manual worker and not very good with IT so I doubt he’s got secret email or chat accounts.
He has security and honesty issues and finds it difficult to be open with me. He has lied to me over damaging the car, spending money, even cooking dinner. He’s so convincing, He had a tough childhood so being insecure is not necessarily his fault.
I know in my heart he cheated but was too blind to see it at the time. I feel angry and upset that the choice of whether to marry a cheat was taken away. We have 2 DD, both of which I was heavily pressured into having by him.
I know I’m no saint, but I can see no reason for searching for someone that meant nothing to him many years ago. Do I confront him, if so how?

What replies were you wanting, love ?

I do that kind of thing all the time - old flames from school etc. means nothing, just idle curiosity.
Do you really want him to beat himself up over his past, after twenty years together?

It depends. I would have a raised eyebrow if I caught my DP doing this. I know lots of people who have did this and sometimes it is just out of nosyness/boredom they say. If you can't trust your Dh to be honest though if you ask him that's a problem.

He has security and honesty issues and finds it difficult to be open with me. He has lied to me over damaging the car, spending money, even cooking dinner

It looks like rather more than simply idly looking up old flames from school

Hi OP.

Sorry you didn't find any of the advice helpful, but there wasn't much we could advise on apart from to give you some ideas of next steps.

Did you try and get onto his Facebook again? If you don't think that's the way you'd like to go, then I think your only other option would be to ask him what he was doing. In that case, I'd sit him down and tell him how hurt you are about him searching for an ex.

Your next steps from there depend on his reaction to the situation. Do you think that perhaps you're still struggling to come to terms with him cheating in the past? Totally understandable if you are. If that's the case, do you think you may benefit from some counselling, either together or apart?

I think everyone looks up old flames once in a while. Sometimes the fun is in the searching. I think if he seems obsessed then be cautious, but if it's an idle search then don't worry.

I understand him looking at ex's; but she wasn't an ex - he cheated with her on me and denied it all. Feel stupid to have been taken in by lies.
I believe we would have separated years ago if it wasn't for the children. Now I find myself thinking it was all a sham on his side and he married me to get away from his awful family home.

Tried to put shoe on other foot and think why a married woman would be looking for someone she had cheated with - can see no good reason.

I think you should trust your instinct. You're quite right, there are old flames and old flames. Tell him you'd prefer it if he didn't contact this particular woman for obvious reasons. Don't tell him how you know.

As you say Helen, this wasn't an ex, this was someone who came in between the two of you in some capacity or another and he has no business contacting her (IMO). I'd be upset too.

You need to talk to him about it, I'd say as gently as possible so as not to raise his defences and make him more tempted to lie.

I tend to do this when I am a bit squiffy - searching names - out of boredom and tipsy-ness. I do this with people I was not overly fond of as well. However, I think you are right Helen that the difference was he cheated on you with her and it was devastating. Your scared it could happen again. If it was me I would talk it through with him more at length - for your children, for your self - you need to listen to his reasons in depth and then feel whether you believe what he says. You need to believe his reasons or else you will resent him and never get back any trust. Talk to him calmly - perhaps write down what you have to say before hand. Perhaps say that you have something to say and ask him to listen to you before responding - tell him the history how you feel, what you want and what you need to understand. Plan it - make sure no alcohol is involved. I can't think of another way of doing it but maybe others can. Good luck.

Ok so I’ve taken my time to try and get my head straight (yeah right) and save any rushed decisions. Haven’t confronted him yet as I’m waiting to see how the situation unfolds. I’ve noticed he always deletes the tablet internet history whenever he uses it. He’s always done this (which annoys me as it’s a bit sneaky) but I’ve also noticed that sometimes when I enter the room he quickly shuts down the screen he’s viewing, I pretend not to notice but then I see him deleting the history (its not porn because he’s never hid that from me when he has watched it ?!?). I keep waiting to see what happens next but I think I might be delaying because I can’t really see how it will help, or how things will change. I mean after living with this horrible situation for so long, what can be done about it. It should have been sorted out years ago.

Not rushing is good, but that doesn't mean doing nothing about it is the right thing! Yes, it's been rubbish for a long time and nothing has been done, but you could look back in a year's time and say the same... so seize the day.

Who knows what he's looking at. Maybe it's harmless but he has made secrecy a habit for such a long time it seems normal to him. That's something that can be worked on together so that he can learn to be open with you and trust you with everything (btw I'm not at all meaning that you can't be trusted). Maybe it's not harmless, in which case you have a right to know and need to get to the bottom of it for your own sanity.

Would you consider marriage counselling? It can be useful to get you both communicating in a way that you can't manage just the two of you. Whatever you decide to do, you sound really down about it all so please don't just accept the situation and muddle on. As hard as confronting it is, NOT confronting it certainly won't bring you any happiness...

I know it's unlikely but I'd be concerned he could be searching for her to possibly look for a child she might have had...?

Helen he sounds dodgy as fuck. 'Honesty issues'?! Sorry not to hand hold but the description you give is chilling, you're basically saying he's an insecure liar. That's a terribly person to be with. I'm so sorry. It's not about the searching it's about who he is.

So he cheated, has since lied to you many times, is behaving shiftily, looking up at least one OW, and pressured you into having DC?

His childhood is no excuse for any of that, or any reason to "make allowances".

Suggest you look at some Lundy Bancroft.

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He may not have cleared from there.