To what extent do you accept that you don't fit that way?

[yesohreally]

I have a question about marriage. My husband and I are very different. We were raised in two different countries. We have different ideas about how to handle our kids, how we manage money and to some extent how we should live generally. As a result in many respects we live separate lives, for some things we come together. Am I happy? Not ecstatically so but my children are very small and take up a lot of my energies. This does some quite dire but I've learned to accept some of the differences over the years but not all, some grate. So my question is how far do we go to stay together, function at some level and keep the family together. It's not all the mills and boon I was expecting but this is where I am. Please would like you to share your opinions on this.

Do you feel that you are partners, a team? I ask because my husband and I are from different cultures, we are like chalk and cheese, our personalities are vastly differently, there is an age gap, we have different interests/hobbies... but we are happy because we are in harmony on the fundamental things like money, how we raise our children, politics etc. We also really like each other and we enjoy spending time together as a family with the children and just the two of us. We are a team.

No, Mills and Boon is unrealistic but it should be lovely being with the man you are married to. It should not grate. You are living a half life. I couldn't do it.

It doesn't sound like you are in love with each other. In fact it sounds like you tolerate one another for the sake of 'the marriage' and the children. Children grow, so they will not distract you from the truth forever and they will notice the chasm that exists in their parents marriage. That is damaging.

Mills and Boon is nonsense. My DH and I are very different, raised in different countries. The way I look at it is that there are 'hills I will die on'. In my house, those are DH has to be an equal partner in the house, with housework, childcare and so on. Also, we have to parent in a way that works for DD. Apart from that, there are very few.

Do you know what the hills are that you will die on? What are your non-negotiables? What are your DH's?

All relationships involve some degree of compromise and tolerance of difference because no two people are identical. Only you can decide if the balance is wrong and you are fundamentally incompatible. "Children, money and life in general", however, sounds like a huge area of incompatibility to me.

Context is everything. Can you describe the difference between your approaches to managing money, for example?

our money is completely separate. i know in his mind he thinks he owns everything and that whilst we are together things will be shared but i also know should we separate he will fight tooth and nail to hold onto everything. i already know the balance is wrong and in answer to another poster its not a team effort. that is my idea of marriage that two people work together. his is that he does all the work and the wife supports. it is very 15th century and has come about because we live in his country of birth. there would still be differences if i was in my own country but they would be less because i would be living in my own culture. however, saying that these issues would have surfaced in any event and i cannot attribute it just to geography. huge areas of incompatibility? absolutely

Ah, well, what you have there is what is commonly known as a 'controlling, selfish asshole' for a DH.

Personally, I don't think you can reach a compromise with a man who 'thinks he owns everything' because that very definitely includes YOU.

His country, culture, family, traditions etc are completely irrelevant. You didn't marry any of those, you married an individual. This is your marriage, your standards, your values and they are the only ones that should apply. If 15th Century isn't not working for you & if you can't find a middle ground that is acceptable to you both then you are looking at 'irreconcilable differences'. If that is the conclusion, don't waste more time.

If you are asking should you stay together because of the children, I would say no. I say this as the product of this kind of situation. I have memories of a lot of supressed misery and palpable tension and it had negative effects on me.

I think there's a difference between cultural differences and people just being selfish twats. You can work together to overcome one, but the other is terminal.

You go as far as what you have in common takes you. IMO it's not as much about difference than what you have in common and how much joy the relationship/your life is bringing you.
Some people have a very romantic relationship, some prefer to be very independent. It's really up to you.
But it feels like you teally resent the organisation of your marriage, with you doing it all, as well as having finances that are separate.
You also seem to be frightened if how difficult he will be if you separate.

im not frightened of how difficult it would be to separate. ive had tough times and i can have them again. i very much agree that i never married any of those 'cultural aspects' which invariably just sound like excuses. i guess i just wanted to gage opinions and see it all in black and white i am already fully aware as ive been living this for a long time.

i think you are right pots, how happy one is with any marriage set up. its a personal thing and what would be miserable for one person another would be quite content with

How good is he at listening and compromise?

well, that is it! he can listen sure and compromise, seemingly. he comes across very well initially. he can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the walk give it a few days and the old habits, actions come back. conversations dont seem to reach him deeply. he is there at the time but some time later its apparent to me he hasnt listened to a word. or rather he has no real concept of how im feeling or he couldnt care less because he is too busy focusing on his work. over time i have started to realise that these ideas he has are ingrained within him and that is simply the way he is. hence my OP

Maybe there are two possibilities here:

1. He doesn't her you when you tell him about your feelings at the time he's doing something you don't like. This might be because he is very bad at reading signals.

That would be possible to remedy in IMO

1. He says things to placate you and then does what he wants in the full knowledge he agreed differently.

Is this the case? In which case, his priorities are not in a good place.

Lipservice and empty promises are just an easy way to kick the can down the road. A little appeasement, wait for the fuss to die down... carry on as normal. Happens all the time with selfish types, even when people are from identical cultures and backgrounds.

I wonder which nationality this 15th century attitude applies to? Just me being curious.

i think at the time he is genuine ... for 5 minutes then hes off to doing what he wants. its ingrained in him. hes not a partnership type person thats my conclusion.

dont want to out myself but its not european and not middle eastern, saying no more

Sorry to hear that he is not a partnership type. It means you have to disentangle. Macho societies have so much to answer for, and not just in personal relationships!

Genuine for 5 minutes = selfish for the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of each day. Not great is it? :)

OP don't waste another minute of your life being miserable.

You have got choices in life and you can make some today about what you want out of life and whether you are going to get it by staying put?

Good luck

I think it's time to work out the legal stuff before you make any decisions. Can you get any free time with a lawyer...