Something to hide?

[KeepAbreast]

I'm struggling to think of legitimate reasons for my DP deleting texts and facebook messages.

Firstly, I know I shouldn't be snooping but the fact that I have is not a reflection on DP - he really doesnt seem "the type." But I was cheated on God knows how many times by my ex and I'm always a bit paranoid. I've looked three times in our whole relationship, the first time found nothing except some innocent chats with his ex.

The second time, last week, I noticed he had messaged a girl he works with, there was nothing before this message (that I could see) but it was quite friendly, he called her "Sweetie" and put three kisses on it.

Checked again today, no sign of this message or conversation.

He also seems to have deleted his conversations with his ex, who caused us a few problems at the beginning of the relationship. Sounds fair enough, except they still text and snapchat one another.

He also told me the other week that a woman he used to see had texted him but he had deleted it... no sign of this either.
This is suspicious, isn't it?

And I can't say anything, can I? Because if I do he'll just turn it on me for snooping and change all his passwords and then I'll have no chance of finding out what's happening.

As I said, he really doesnt seem the type, although I suppose they rarely do.

Oh what do I do?! I don't want to go through this again! I've told him all along I wouldn't stand for anything like this again after my last relationship. I feel so stupid.

*a woman he used to see he had texted him but he had IGNORED it, not deleted it. Why delete it if he'd told me about it?

He's not one to delete things like this, odd messages and converstions that arent important etc, he keeps his texts from his phone network and he has messages on facebook from years ago, "Do I know you?" type things etc.

Only today someone told me that he deletes things because he 'chooses not to go down that route' or something - i.e. it is in deleting that he's saying, "i don't want to remember that conversation or act on anything/be involved in that person." My DH also did this after getting too involved with someone even though he too has messages that are years old.

So guess i'm saying it's not always a bad thing. The messages could've been innocent. They could've been bad but deleted for the 'right' reasons. They could have been bad and deleted to hide their content. You will never know exactly, but I would say let things carry on as normal and just keep your eyes open if you feel nervous. You certainly can't glean anything from this alone.

I hope that's the case here but I don't know. It's the message to the woman he works with that has thrown me. It was innocent in itself, it just said something like "What's a matter now sweetie? xxx" but it sounds to me quite familiar and the fact that there was nothing before it I think suggests that he's already deleted stuff or been talking a lot either in person or by some other means.

Of course it could still be totally innocent! But then why delete it? He doesn't delete innocent conversations with other female friends.

I do accept that I'm probably seriously overthinking this and it's my fault for looking in the first place.

I used to delete messages because of the hassle and explaining I'd have to do if he came across them. The messages were never bad, it's just that if someone of the opposite sex messaged me, he'd go all psycho on me and I'd end up having to explain what was essentially nothing.

Has his attitude towards you changed recently? Is he a bit cold or distant? What does your instinct tell you?
I shouldn't say anything to him yet, but keep an eye on things in case you find something more definite which you can challenge him with.
It does seem odd that he's started deleting things all of a sudden!

The problem is you. It doesn't matter what anyone says you are,the type who scoops and has trust issues. Actually doesn't matter if he is cheating or not you simply don't have any trust. Get some help before it easy you up.

Where are these conversations occurring? Laptop, tablet, 'phone? Only ask because if it's a phone, despite the memory, processors, funky Operating Systems etc, smartphones can run like a dog when they're not kept uncluttered - I occasionally purge all unwanted messages, unused apps etc (not that I'm shagging behind the missus' back) - could be your OH is just more diligent about it?

He has been acting differently, hatespiders. Not in a very obvious way but he used to send me loads of cheesy romantic texts and buy me little presents and now he doesnt bother. I put it down to just the natural progression of the relationship but I suppose maybe he's just got someone else to focus on.

Penfold I do appreciate that I have trust issues and shouldnt be snooping, however it's difficult not to when something isnt right and it might be the only way to know if I'm being made a fool of. I would never have known that my ex had cheated at all if I hadn't looked at his laptop.

Minus, the worrying conversations are on his facebook, so wouldnt take up any space on his phone or hard drive anyway. Plus he doesnt bother deleting messages from selling sites, people asking if they know him, group conversations that he's stopped replying to etc, and he doesnt delete his spam texts so I don't think he's concerned with saving space.

Keep - fb messages may be different I guess. Still not sure though - contact or selling messages may be important to keep for records (unless it's just tat he's buying/selling), whereas a conversation is in the "now", sometimes not with keeping?
As for the cheesy texts, gifts, how do/did you respond to them (and no, I don't equate flirty texts and gifts to sex, so no flaming please), and has that changed? Do you do silly little gestures for him? If I get random silliness from my wife, I respond in kind - if I send stuff to her and don't get a response, I'll sometimes not send anything else for a while.

Well if he doesn't usually delete messages etc then he is deleting them IMO so that you don't see them.

It seems for now he is covering his dirty tracks quite well. Don't tell him you're suspicious, just keep spying. He will eventually slip up!

Minus, I do find it a bit more difficult to send overly romantic texts but I tell him I love him and we make plans for the future and such like. I do buy him little gifts just as he does (or did) - I only mean things like chocolate, flowers, funny little things we think each other would appreciate.

I think it's funny you should mention sex - we barely have any. Like most couples, when we first got together we were at it all the time and there was a lot of cuddling, playfighting, innuendo in our conversation, flirty texts... he would make it clear he wanted me, ask me to send him photos etc. Now, nothing at all. We still do it now and again but it's all about him and he seems to want to get it over with as quickly as possible. The sex dropped off a while ago though, before he met this woman. Unless there were more before her. He still masturbates daily too, I do think he just doesn't fancy me anymore. Which is probably what caused me to be a bit insecure and suspicious.

If he's prone to storing/keeping everything then Id potentially be suspicious...that said, I delete everything (texts, emails, chats) as soon as I've responded/dealt with them...just something I've always done, not because I have anything to hide...

OP I do see you point. Something has made you suspcious so next question is what are you going to do. Perhaps talking to him might be possible?

If something looks like a duck as the saying goes.

Deleting texts and FB messages as well as lack of sex and no more little treats or surprises is why you're suspicious. As for feeling guilty about snooping? You carrry emotional scars from your past relationship and if you are thinking here oh no here we go again, I think you have to talk.

Perhaps a conversation about How are Things and Where Are We Going could be a springboard to a bigger conversation about maintaining interest, inspiring trust and how you can get intimacy back as a couple.

Last man who called me "sweetie" was married to someone else and propositioned me for an affair.

You need to talk to him.

His interest in you has diminished. If you dont think you want this relationship to continue, then finish it. You owe it to yourself, and yes, I would be very suspicious of these messages disappearing.

I want the relationship to continue, but with the man I thought he was! Oh I'm driving myself mad.

I do want to hold on and see if anything comes to light, because I'd like to know, rather than throw away a relationship based on this.

A friend has suggested maybe he was talking about me, that's why he deleted the messages? But then why would he be talking to his ex and a girl from work, rather than his friends. I dont doubt that he moans about me, as I do about him, but him moaning about to women, especially exes is a bit suspicious in itself is it not?

It is. A man moaning about his wife to another woman is all part of the cheaters' script.

Even if he were just 'moaning', criticising me to a woman at work he also sent affectionate "what's the matter now, sweetie xxx" texts to would be overstepping a boundary.

What are you going to do?

The bottom line is that, as I've come to realise recently, some people think nothing of having boundary crossing flirtations/affairs with other people, whether they are happy in their relationships or not. And that there's no one who is "not the type".

Sorry but 'whats the matter now sweetie xxx' is not something a man would send a female friend or colleague innocently. No way in the world.

I dont really know what I'm going to do. I dont think I can ask him about it because I dont think I'd believe whatever he said, and then I'd never know either way because he'd change his passwords. And probably be angry with me for looking.

He does have close female friends that I have never had a problem with, he puts kisses on his texts to them etc, it's never worried me. I haven't even read through his messages to these friends but he hasnt deleted them.

The thing is, this particular woman he has only known for less than two months, since he started a new job. I remember him mentioning her when he met her on his first day, telling me she seemed like a nice girl... but he hasn't mentioned her at all since.