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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you forgive?

24 replies

SoBlueDiamond · 19/10/2014 17:26

Advice please MN,

How do you forgive but maybe not forget when you catch your DP in the act of being unfaithful?

We are trying to fix things, but I don’t like that it has changed me, I find myself checking DP’s phone and I have started getting jealous when I see DP talking to the opposite sex.

Is this normal and will I ever be able to trust DP again.

OP posts:

Ticktockblock · 19/10/2014 17:43

I know this isn't helpful but why would you trust him ever again?

I couldn't forgive or forget.

Hatespiders · 19/10/2014 17:52

Of course it's changed you. You must be absolutely devastated.
'Started getting jealous'.... well that's natural if you caught him 'in the act of being unfaithful'.
Some couples do get through these things, but I couldn't forgive or forget I'm afraid. That would be 'it' as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster

SoBlueDiamond · 19/10/2014 18:02

You ask why?

Because of love and our two small children.

OP posts:

scarletforya · 19/10/2014 18:04

You don't have to forgive him.

Drumdrum60 · 19/10/2014 18:39

Been there worn that t shirt . It will wear you down if you let it . So the only answer is to improve your confidence and sense of empowerment and not to rely on outside affirmation ( especially from him ) start a plan for a new you who looks after herself !

You don't have to forgive him and in hindsight I wouldn't . But give yourself time and remember it's all about you.

Your goal is to feel empowered .

Drumdrum60 · 19/10/2014 18:40

Then it's up to him !

fabricfreeshiner · 19/10/2014 18:43

I think ultimately either you can or you can't. You can try to but if your gut is saying no, all the trying in the world isn't going to sort the problem.

AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 18:46

It's not obligatory to forgive. If you can't bring yourself to do it, then don't.

When you say "caught in the act" what do you mean ?

clarinsgirl · 19/10/2014 18:48

Trust has been broken and I don't think your relationship will be the same again. You will always know that he deceived you and was unfaithful. Your reactions sound pretty normal to me. Is your not so DH doing everything he can to be honest with you and help you to rebuild some trust?

AnyFucker · 19/10/2014 18:53

you use the word "jealousy" but that implies the fault is with you

the reason you are "jealous" is because you don't trust

the reason you don't trust him is because he isn't trustworthy

Sawbridgeworthmum · 19/10/2014 18:57

If you give it another go you have to trust him else it will eat you alive. I gave my ex dp another chance and guess what after 5 months he was doing it again. This time I won't forget or forgive his behaviour, despite too having 2 lovely children the children reserve better and a man who treats their mother with respect and love. Be kind to yourself and take time.

Stuckinastorm · 19/10/2014 19:01

Long story but I'm there too (on a couple of other threads)..
Tell you what helped me that no one else had advised- (it only happened because it was already booked as s family holiday, just changed dh name over to a friends name)- take the kids abroad, with a friend if you can.. That week away taught me I could go it alone as a single mum, my friend reminded me how to have fun & a laugh & I realised wether I decide to take him back or not, either way I WILL be ok! We all survived, no one was hurt, we all had fun- more fun than holidays where he has been there.... And it gave him a chance to miss us & see what he's missing out on!!
It's a long road, don't expect to be making any decisions overnight. Yes people will say they could never forgive. But. This is you and your life and should be all about what you feel is right for you. Don't make any decisions just for the kids. My kids want their dad home of course, but if I did so while not being ready myself is be unhappy and grumpy to live with & snappy with my kids- it wouldn't work just for those reasons.

Stuckinastorm · 19/10/2014 19:02

Good for you saw if they ruin that chance they're given, for me personally I see no way back, sorry to hear it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2014 19:16

How long has it been since you discovered this man who is supposed to love you and the children was screwing around?

Forgive a cheat too quickly and too easily and all they learn from the experience is that you are a soft touch with low standards. RAISE your standards higher, make him properly earn your trust but be prepared for the possibility that it may never return.

Stuckinastorm · 19/10/2014 20:17

3 months and 2 days ago
Had a holiday abroad recebtly, a friend went in his place, he got himself into debt by deciding to go abroad at the same time as us but by himself.
He came back a new man- enthusiastic, helpful.... I felt positive that if take him back.
Then this week he's gone quiet, weird, yesterday at our sons birthday he threw a strop (dh) & after being horrible to his birthday boy son, didn't speak most of the day, not even to friends who were with us. I've never in over 9 years seen anything even resembling that kind of behaviour from him (he said some stupid things too), he behaved worse than our dcs!!
He's had a few excuses he keeps repeating
Like you said, I don't want him to get away Scott free, I want him to change jobs (he's married to his job I've always felt he put 1st over us, plus she still works there- although she does now have a bf), he's applied for plenty for nowhere yet...
But today and last night he's made comments like 'I wontvwait forever' 'you deserve better' 'I don't see any future for us'-- does he want to end it but it too much of a wuss and wants me to do the deed?
Or
Is he trying to make me feel bad so I'll say come home & stay in your job? (I wouldn't as I won't be with someone who behaves the way he has been, & feel that way he'd be getting away with it)
And
He keeps making comments about him going part time, me going full time working 6 nights a week paying all the bills! 1st I'd be a zombie (he works shifts but not overnights), we'd have no life that way, & why should he get more time with the children suddenly because he's had an affair?!!!!!
I'm so confused
I feel he's hiding something
But he's at work this evening so replies to messsges can take hours, I phoned him on his break but the line kept dying.
I can't help but feel he wants to come home just because he's gone from a comfortable life to being broke (paying his share here plus his own rent etc, and the loan he took out for his new car when I chucked him out- there was nothing wrong with the car he had!) & being home he'll have me paying for food etc.

Aarrghhh
But my cognitive behavioural therapy course starts soon :) hopefully that'll help me to think straight

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/10/2014 21:10

Why do you need CBT? Is it because of your reaction to his infidelity or just a coincidence?

GarlicOctopus · 19/10/2014 22:22

Just commenting on the general question, if you'll both excuse me - When it comes to basics, putting 100% trust in a fellow human being is bonkers. I think we all want to do it, probably out of some wish to recreate the absolute trust we had, as small children, in our parents (rightly or wrongly; we were simply hard-wired that way.) But we aren't 100% reliable ourselves; neither is anyone else. We aren't little children, and our partners aren't our parents.

Once your trust is broken, you're faced with the grown-up challenge of building a relationship based on balanced, mutual trust and the mutual respect it requires. It may or may not be possible with your current partner: so much depends on the respect he has for your feelings, and whether he is capable of balanced, grown-up trust.

I'm completely sure that anyone who demands 100% trust is unworthy of it. He has insufficient respect for you as an individual, as evidenced by the fact that he's demanding you stop having feelings he finds inconvenient.

GarlicOctopus · 19/10/2014 22:25

Stuck - Based on your posts, I wouldn't say your instincts are wrong. I also think your decision to alter your holiday plans was inspired! Well done, you :)

Now you've remembered who you really are, please don't sacrifice your real self for a weird-acting, would-be cocklodger!

Stuckinastorm · 20/10/2014 06:08

Haha :-)

Cbt- always gone through very low stages lasting weeks or months on & off. No one knew this. But what he did sent me to a new low of me actually seeking help & being diagnosed with moderate- severe depression & moderate-severe anxiety. I don't want meds though so won't go back to Dr as I was told to, unless I feel myself getting much worse.

Well, last night he ignored all my texts, he really confused me saying he wanted me then saying he can't see a way for us to move forward as a new job will never come up etc... Not sure what that means,
I have been thinking recently dh could be depressed, but he denied this so I'm not sure what else I can do there
So I've text him that if he's not going to talk to me etc I'll assume he's ended our marriage (I don't want to be the one to say I've ended it, so when the kids are older I can say I tried etc), after how he had been behaving I do want to be with him, but not how he's been the last few days which is completely out of character for him.

Original poster

SoBlueDiamond · 20/10/2014 16:15

Thanks for that MN,
I was hoping that someone could give me some hope “everything is going to be ok” kind of stuff.
We are going to try to fix things, as we both feel it is worth fixing, and my DP who is female (not that it really matters), says it was a drunken one off and will never happen again.
Caught in the act, means what it sounds like. (No, I won’t go into details).

OP posts:

Stuckinastorm · 20/10/2014 16:30

Poor you :-(
Perhaps women are more likely to talk about our feelings & be more sensible & possibly to learn from our mistakes? Maybe?
Good luck soblue x

AnyFucker · 20/10/2014 16:33

My apologies for assuming "partner" was male. Like you said though, the principles are the same.

If I had a crystal ball, I would be a very rich woman. Good luck

GarlicOctopus · 20/10/2014 16:33

Good luck, then. Partners of either gender can be twats, obvs. You need her to really understand what she's put you through, and to be more sympathetic about your needing loads of detail, reassurance, etc, not less. It's perfectly natural to want to check up on her: if she doesn't get that, she really doesn't get what trust is about.

Being pissed is only as much of an excuse for infidelity as it is for causing a road accident while driving drunk ...

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 20/10/2014 16:38

I am not surely one can actively forgive, as in, resolve to do it and then Bingo! all is better. I think it is a process that unfolds with time, remorse from the 'wrong-doer', better behaviour from them and reassurance. Even then, it isn't guaranteed.

Please don't feel guilty about your feelings. They sound perfectly natural. They will take time to process, and you will take time to get over the shock of what you discovered. You may or may not want to stay with your partner once you've done that.

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