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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So, when the advice to avoid the person you have a crush on doesn't work - what then?

23 replies

Modmother · 01/10/2014 20:10

Can I train myself not to think about him? I've been like a bloody teenager for the past 6 months over this bloke but haven't seen him for nearly the last two.

I actually find the advice to avoid him doesn't work for me. When I do see him, I can 'normalise' him and persuade myself that I'm not bothered, and see all the things that might annoy me about him. However, when he's not around I just mope about him so much I'm embarrassed to admit it.

How on earth do you get someone out of your system?

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 01/10/2014 20:27

Don't know. I would love to know the answer.
I assume that one or both of you is not single?
Isn't it interesting that seeing the person, it feels like no big deal, but in their absence, the feelings are intensified. I have experienced this with a crush too.

Original poster

Modmother · 01/10/2014 20:41

Glad it's not just me Majestic. The annoying thing is that we are actually both single, however there are other connections with our families that would mean that us getting together would cause some major fall outs.

I don't really know what he thinks about me - there was a bit of suggestive flirting a few months back but we'd both had a few and nothing more came of it.

When I see him, I can see his 'imperfections' but when he's out of sight I end up thinking about him any chance it get. Extremely annoying to find myself acting like a teenager in my late forties!

OP posts:

Needadragon · 01/10/2014 20:50

I am with you but have no answer! can't avoid him or go nc can't just change my job. I feel like I'm 13 again! Just so you know you are not alone hopefully someone has good advice!

MairzyDoats · 01/10/2014 20:54

Well in that case why don't you up the amount of time you're spending with him so that you stop seeing him as an object of desire and more as a vaguely attractive but not-all-that bloke? Kind of a 'familiarity breeding contempt' approach? Let's be honest, it works for most relationships

MajesticWhine · 01/10/2014 21:02

Yes. A few bad dates would probably sort it out.

Twinklestein · 01/10/2014 21:04

You're both single so what's the problem? He may not fancy you but you may as well find out. What your families would make of it is irrelevant, it's none of their business.

Original poster

Modmother · 01/10/2014 21:19

Like the idea of 'familiarity breeding contempt' I just don't get the chance to see him often enough. The family issue relates to our DCs who are friends and it all just feels too messy

OP posts:

something2say · 01/10/2014 21:23

You wait, and you do what you know to be right in the meantime.

Original poster

Modmother · 01/10/2014 21:26

I suspect that is very wise advice something.

OP posts:

Meerka · 01/10/2014 21:35

Keep thinking of the imperfections.

Keep being aware that a crush is more about what buttons in you are being pressed than in real, heart-and-mind connections. Crushes aren't about true connections.

Keep breathing deeply.

Acknowledge the pain. Endure.

In the end it will diminish. It hurts, but in the end it will lessen. Keep that in mind.

MadeMan · 01/10/2014 23:45

Getting to know someone better can sometimes stop a crush dead in it's tracks; either that or it can blossom into a relationship. Maybe it would be best to see him more often?

Crushes are generally imagined fantasies about someone and are usually nothing to do with the reality of anything.

I try telling myself these things when I have a crush.

PlantsAndFlowers · 02/10/2014 02:02

You're definitely not alone

CrystalSkull · 02/10/2014 07:29

I'm another one so it seems to be very common! He is twice my age and not my usual 'type'. I don't get why I have a crush on him but I do! It's so annoying! I like the advice about doing what is right; you can't go too far wrong with that.

kaykayblue · 02/10/2014 08:21

Why don't you do the ping trick or whatever?

Put an elastic band arround your wrist, and every time you start thinking mooning thoughts about him, snap the elastic against your wrist (making sure it hurts).

Do it every time.

Or force yourself to eat something you HATE each time you think about him.

KikitheKitKat · 02/10/2014 08:43

DCs being friends doesn't sound like much of a barrier to me. Why suffer? Just go for it!

Harrietspy · 03/10/2014 16:57

Another in a similar position, but the object of my affection (TOOMO) is married and therefore there's no way I'd act on it. It breaks my heart, though. I've been in the wrong relationship for most of my adult life, and now I'm single, the first person I fall for is sodding unavailable.

We work very closely together and both love the job, so there's no way that's going to change. We're really good friends, have both acknowledged the strength of our connection (as friends) and spend more time together than we strictly need to. I don't know if he feels the same way. I suspect he does. I'm not sure it matters. It's wonderful and horrible.

As a matter of interest, what do PP think constitutes 'doing what's right'?

I too feel like a teenager. I am in my forties. I have shed proper tears about this. I'm usually sanguine and level-headed, but I simply don't know how to BE. I'm sorry other posters are in a similar position, but I'm glad not to be alone with this.

And, to the OP, if the object of my affection was single, I'd be acting on it today. Why not give it a go?

HumblePieMonster · 03/10/2014 17:31

Can I train myself not to think about him?
Yes, I've done it. Every time he comes into your mind tell yourself firmly 'No!' and think about something else. I spent five days on this once and erased the man so effectively from my mind that on day six when I saw him again I didn't remember the incident that upset me, only that he was 'nothing to do with me'.

Harrietspy · 03/10/2014 17:35

What about if you see him four days a week and share an office? I didn't see him much for a couple of months for various reasons but now it's impossible to avoid him.

TheCowThatLaughs · 03/10/2014 17:38

Mine wore off after about a year. I didn't have to see him much though, luckily

Twinklestein · 03/10/2014 17:51

So what if your dcs are friends? Single parents often meet a partner through their kids. You're not breaking any moral law.

I would see him more and either the crush wears off, or it blooms into a relationship.

Explored · 03/10/2014 18:08

6 months isn't long enough IMO, it takes nearly 3 2 years.

I developed a kind of nervous tick. I would physically shake him out of my head every time he crept in.

Although I agree, if your Dc being friends is the only issue, there's no need for that to be messy.

RuinedAndNotorious · 03/10/2014 18:25

That is very wise advice, Meerka.
Because I am a) a dreamer and b) not the most socially confident person I have had more crushes than actual relationships. You'd think I'd know how to deal with them by now, but I don't. I'm currently obsessed with someone I have met 9 times in total, and not seen at all for 6 months. So I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

Harrietspy · 03/10/2014 19:47

This doesn't apply to the OP, clearly, but for the rest of us... I decided to look at his wife's FB photos and that has been like a bucket of cold water, seeing them and their kids so happy together. I'll try to hold that image in my mind on Monday. I'll also try to minimise contact as much as possible. We'll both be busy so shouldn't have to come into contact all that much.

Do any of the crushees of unobtainables want to set up a different thread? I don't want to derail.

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