Need a rant and a very large glass of wine please.

[FrazzleRock]

Before i end up being THAT person who rants away on FB.

STBXH took the DCs out for lunch. Was back around 2:30/3pm.

It's now 7:15pm and HE'S STILL FUCKING HERE.

First of all, fell asleep on the sofa snoring away.
I told him, if he's so tired, why doesn't he head home and get an early night.

"I'd like to stay and chill with the DC, if that's alright" says he.

I'm too weak to answer. Anything I say will be twisted. He is emotionally abusive, as far as I'm concerned, and very manipulative. He will turn the whole thing upside down. I've spent many years treading on eggshells around that man, and I'm STILL doing it.

At one point he was lying on the sofa, feet up on the arm, belching away. Disgusting, vile man.

I'm livid.

I want him to go. He's just making me incredibly uptight and ragey as I can't say anything, hence the reason I'm venting here.

What annoys me the most is, if I'd have known he'd be here all afternoon (and now evening), I could have gone out to see a friend or gone to see a film.

I've been hiding in my bedroom since they got back and managed to keep myself busy by cooking the DC's supper, cleaning up etc.

Why won't he JUST GO?

Tell him to leave. Now. It's not acceptable. It's your home, presumably it is no longer his?

His actions are his way of saying to you "I will do whatever I want and there's not a damn thing you can do about it." And trust me, he will know exactly how wound up and upset you are about his presence.

Vile man.

Insist on doorstep handovers in future.

He half owns it, as he (generally) pays half the mortgage. Although maintenance is another long story, which I won't start ranting about now.

The children will not be happy if I tell him to go. Youngest DC goes to bed in 10 minutes, so hopefully he will leave then.

I'm sick of the sight of him.

What's the situation with your living arrangements? Has he officially moved out?
The obvious advice is you say no, that he can't come in and chill at yours, but it doesn't sound like you feel strong enough. Is there anyone who would be able to be with you when he brings the children back to help you to tell him he can't come in?

CatKisser Good point about doorstep handovers. I will definitely be mentioning that.

Gather your strength, wake him up and tell him to go. Once you've done it once, next time will be easier if he tries it again or better still get the message. I Hate being imposed on too. Can you make up an excuse maybe, you all have to pop out or something?

You need to stipulate that you will collect the DC from his then he cannot do this. Or insist on doorstep handovers.

How old are DC? Are they old enough that he can drop them off and they run up to door themselves? I cannot see any reason whatsoever why he has to come in your home.

Next time smile sweetly, say no, I have company, and slam door in his face.

Why do you say "hopefully he will go then." JUST TELL HIM!!!

I'm not strong enough to tell him no, unfortunately. The DC adore him, they want him to hang around. This doesn't bother me if it's just half an hour.

Living arrangements are, he lives at his mums. I live in our flat with the DC.
Now and again, he will stay here overnight on the sofa bed, if I want to go out in the evening. Not ideal, but I can't afford babysitters. Then he takes the DC to school the next day. This happens maybe up to once a week.

I just wish I'd known, I could have gone out!

That sounds awful. I would urge you to keep your phone on you in case he wont go when dc are in bed. I obviously dont know if hes shown any signs of violence or anything but if he refuses to leave and becomes verbally or physically abusive to you then you need to be able to call the police.
How long have you been separated? What sort of emotional abuse has he used? I hope he leaves soon, my stbxh is also emotionally abusive and i cannot stand the man.

It might be difficult for the children at first, but you have split up, so it's something they will need to get used to. Tell him in an email that it's not good for any of you and that handovers need to be done at the door in future.
It's certainly not good for your children to see you reduced to hiding upstairs in your own home.

Thing is Behoove, I didn't know he'd be hang in around, I though he was just dropping them off. I even left the door open, until he casually just sat himself down on the sofa.

Yes I am totally weak and a doormat. I just HATE confrontation as he is so manipulative and I will most definitely look like the bad one.

Plus the DC, like I say, adore him and love having him around. I don't mind if just for half an hour, but If I knew, I'd have made myself scarce. There are a few films I'd love to see, which I normally can't do.

Ah, i see he comes round often, so i assume you arent at much risk of physical violence. All the same, how awful for you to be stuck with him in your house, i hope he clears off soon so you can relax

GinAndSonic He has never ever been physically abusive. Ever.
Just emotional. He tells me I'm a bad parent, I ignore the children and shout at them all the time for being children. Funnily enough, only when he's here!

He's always twisted arguments which make me think I've gone absolutely insane and second guess myself. I had to start writing things down to prove I wasn't going crazy.

One of the many reasons we split. We've been separated around 4 ish years. I can't afford a divorce unfortunately. Much as I am desperate for one.

We generally get along ok. Better now than when we were together.
Just lately, though, he's riled me up as he hasn't been paying me on time or nearly enough, which has caused financial issues. I had it out with him, but as usual, the "bad parent" card came out. I don't want to go into that now though. My rant today is about him outstaying his welcome.

Actually fucking hate him at the moment.

You say if you challenge him you will " look like the bad one" ...in whose eyes?! So what if he says you are a bad parent..yadda yadda ..you know different .just show him the door.And keep showing him the door. Every single time. Like you do with a little kid who keeps getting out of bed.Stay firm and show he can't get a rise out of you.I know it's easy to say and I know it's exhausting but he needs to know it's your rules now.

Just asked him when he's going.

Small quiet argument. He said I've been hiding in my room all day. I said, "yes because I'm not sitting in the living room like happy families", he tells me I need to chill out and relax more and it's not such a big deal. I didn't even raise my voice, even slightly.

Now I feel even more ragey. Oh good.

Breathing... And I'm back in my bedroom. Hiding.

Frazzle he sounds like a shithead. Not unlike my stbxh, who also used physical intimidation (standing over me, invading my space, blocking doors, punching walls) and sexual abuse / coercion. He also likes to make out that im mad / the "bad guy", which seems typical shithead behaviour unfortunately.
Unfortunately, as we have both learned, these selfish shitheads dont care, and actually enjoy making us uncomfortable, so the only way to ensure your home is a a shithead free zone is to take steps to keep him out. Im not sure how easy that is given you own it jointly, i was "lucky" (ha!) in that we rented and i walked out leaving all my belongings, so he has no acess to my home.

Its shit, and im sorry you have to put up with this from him. Its definitely wine o'clock for you

Time to take control. So when he leaves, tell him next time not to come in. You're using your kids as an excuse, yes I'm sure they love having their Dad around but what good is he lying on the sofa snoring?! If you let him in each time, this will become routine for all of you & will be harder to break further down the line. Think of it that by refusing to allow him in now, will benefit your kids, and you, in the future.

Oh! Sorry, drip drip drip...

He though he was doing me a favour by looking after the children.

(By sitting on the sofa watching telly while they play on their games consoles)

Sorry. It's just a massive rant as I'm clearly not doing anything about it.
And now I feel like crying.

Oh, he's back, now just been ranting at me saying I've got it so good, he didn't have to leave, this is half his flat too. He helps me out so much, I'm lucky and should be bloody grateful. He took them out for lunch yesterday, took them to Rugby at 8:30am this morning, took them for lunch today blah blah....

I said, yes because he WANTS to, I didn't ask him. I fI ask for his help, he doesn't have to say yes.

I just said I shouldn't have to treat on eggshells when I want him to leave. I asked nicel earlier, saying what doesn't he go home and get an early night.

He keeps having a go at me.
I say, Ok, I'm the bad one. Finished.

See how he escalates the argument?

He's getting a lift home.

AARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Oh god. So many typos! Sorry. Hope that makes sense.

Maybe you need to be more clear on rules. If he stays over once a week to help you out when you have plans, he obviously doesn't see it being a problem with spending a Sunday afternoon there either. You need to set clear boundaries, and maybe find another babysitter.

Maybe you need to be more clear on rules. If he stays over once a week to help you out when you have plans, he obviously doesn't see it being a problem with spending a Sunday afternoon there either. You need to set clear boundaries, and maybe find another babysitter.

you're right FinnsMum19 I'm going to put a stop to that. I'm going to have to live by the rule of, if I can't afford a baby-sitter, then I can't go out. Simple.

As he owns half the flat, it will always boil down to that. I don't know where I stand on telling him to leave because of that?

Finally!

It's now 9pm. That's at least 6 hours. A wave of relief just swept over me.

And relax.

Thank you for your words of wisdom everyone. Very much appreciated and I will try to put into practise. Even if he does escalate every argument.

It's made me realise why this separation has been so easy, until now. It because I've been a complete push over and avoiding saying what i think.