Husband and I constantly bickering

[Flighty74]

I am exhausted from being a parent of two young children. My husband and I are bickering all the time. I don't think he understands me. I probably don't understand him. I often think of leaving him but would hate to cause all the upset, especially as my parents divorced when I was young and I know the impact it can have. Although I do know that often it's the best thing. In despair.

The thought of leaving him makes
Me feel free and like my old self but when I think of my oldest child (5 years old) my heart breaks. She is such a daddy's girl.

Poor you it sounds awful. I can hear the exhaustion in your post. What do you mean when you say he doesn't understand you? What happens when you discuss the issues?

When did you last spend any fun quality time together? Do you have anyone who could babysit? I think parenting very young children can put an immense strain on any relationship, however strong it was pre-children; it's really hard for the parent who's not at home with them to fully understand how relentless and draining it can be. And if you're both working, that throws in other pressures - it's a hard time in your life.

Assuming he's not a nasty bastard, stop and think how much of how you're feeling is just the exhaustion talking. Because that does pass. And if it is the exhaustion - what can you do to sort that?

We don't connect, he doesn't hear what I am saying. I've suggested counselling but he says we don't need it. I am at a loss. We have good moments and he does feel like a rock to me at times but there is no spark or excitement and there never has been. I don't know

He may well decide he does want counselling if the alternative is seperating!

I'm so sorry that you feel so terrible. Having two young children could feel wonderful unless your parent(s) made it - you - look/feel difficult. You were not difficult. I guarantee that you as a child were perfect and adorable like every child that's born. We stupid adults sometimes project reasons / behaviours on innocent, beautiful children - and it's nonsense.

There is nothing harmful or wrong about you. I know that parents the world over would love you. I also know that your child is perfect, as you were, and you are the closest to protector, carer and parent that your child will find. So step up, sweet woman and be it. And never stop. You - and your child deserve it in spades.

Please find ways to learn of your huge value in the world, despite your hard, critical upbringing. Love your child as you (should) love yourself and as your parents) should / would love you. Be the grown up and talk to you the child and love yourself. Don't be as mean to yourself as others were, through ignorance, or their own lack of love and understanding. And certainly don't do the same to you own, perfect, sweet child. Stop the sadness now!

We haven't been out together for a while so that may help. Maybe I'm
Just having a wobble. I've been feeling this off and on for over a year now.

Northern girl you misunderstood my post. I don't blame myself for my parents divorce but I remember the effect it had on me and my sister and I don't want to cause my kids unnecessary upset. Although I am sad I manage to hide it quite well and carry ok with quite a happy upbeat life to others

OP - I think you need to try and sit down with your husband and talk to him about this seriously. Not blaming him, but saying things like

"I honestly feel like we are turning into strangers due to everything else going on in our lives. I don't feel like things are "fine" for us right now, and I honestly believe that we need to try and re-connect. Do you have any ideas of how we might be able to go out by ourselves once a week?"

That way you aren't blaming anyone, it's more of a factual interpretation of how you see the situation, and you are asking for his input as to how you two can try and find a solution. I think - generally - men like "finding solutions" so it gives him something to focus on, rather than the abstract concept of "feelings".

There's no worse passion killer than children! Unfortunately once they wade in on your life you must make and take the time to enjoy each other as individuals, same as before the dc came along. Tis not good only seeing each other in mum and dad mode all the time.

I like that you haven't totally closed the door on your marriage and are willing to work at it.

However you both need to sit down and discuss the reality of the situation. Your dh ought to know that you are seriously thinking about ending the marriage and so things need to change.

Is he happy?