MIL has planned a 60th Birthday surprise for the family

[Mojomummy]

...got a bit of a dilemma because MIL has arranged a surprise dinner for FIL & BIL as it's 60th & 30th b'days.

They live about 75 -100 miles away. We have DD1 who is 3 & DD2 who is 9 weeks. Whilst Dh could go, (with difficulty as it's a Friday night). I can't because there is no-one to babysit ( everyone is going to the dinner)

I'm feeling a bit left out because I can't come. DH says he will go as it's his Dad & I am hurt/annoyed (not quite sure of the exact emotion) because I think MIL has been thoughtless - ie could have planned something where her son's wife could come to. They are now going to arrange a lunch for us ( & DD's) but this isn't the same.

DH is now saying he won't go, but I don't want him to miss out.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit second rate

Can't the children go too? Are your 2 the only grandchildren?

I have seen me and Dh missing events in his family as they are always planned for about 8pm and our kids are always ready for bed by 7pm. (They are the only 2 grandkids on his side) On one occasion MIL persuaded me to keep them up and go the function.. what a total nightmare!!
My family events are all child led usually as there are 16 grandkids and it's hard for everyone to find a babysitter!! Perhaps you could ask them to have it in the evening time and that way your 2 kids could go too?

It's about 100 miles from us & yes, an evening do. No babysitter for DD1 & apparently too difficult to get a pram up the stairs for DD2

yes, only grandcildren & I'm the only DIL at the moment.

How weird. Surely they could find a babysitter for DD1 if they wanted to, and not choose a restaurant at the top of a ladder or whatever it is preventing the pram from going? These just sound like excuses to have a child-free celebration. Not unreasonable I guess (not very grandparently though) but with a 9-week-old, what could you possibly do? As you say, it seems incredibly thoughtless and effectively excludes you.

That's what I thought, but then I was thinking I was being selfish...at least I feel a bit better now !

How do you get on with your in-laws, and do you ever get excluded by them otherwise? I ask because this is the kind of thing my MIL would do to ensure that only she and her children would be present at a celebration - she chooses a venue that she absolutely has to go to, and then looks sad as she informs me (the only "outsider" as there are no other daughter/son-inlaws) that children aren't allowed/there's no vegetarian option/they only serve food after dd's bedtime.

From your post I'm wondering if this is what's going on here - that she's only interested in having her own children there, but doesn't want to upset you or your dh by saying so.

I you need to work out if it is a 'deliberate' tactic or just thoughtlessness....my SIL invites my dp to birthday parties mid week (we live over 130 miles away and we work) or makes comments about only seeing us 'briefly' (last b'day - stayed about 4 hours and left as had 3 hour journey home and was a Sunday!) - thats just her - she never sees it from anyone elses point of view so I just let it wash over me...

I generally get on fine - they are very nice, but, I do think that she knows best (& of course I know best )

Also, I think what happens in their family is quite different to how I was brought up. i.e., if the situation was reversed, I'd say, well if you do that we can't come & then something else would be arranged (not that we have anything like that going on in my family)

I guess I'm thinking that DH should say that because I can't go he won't go either. It's a bit of a no-win situation. But then I don't want to be an old nag & I know if he does go, I'll be really annoyed...

I think your DH should stay with you if you cant go.
Could he not explain to your MIL how inconveinent her plans are.