10 days on

[Mini05]

So DP and I had a row week sat ago(over my son out late with pedal bike 24)

I've now asked him 3 times! Where do we go from her, I'm not putting up up this anymore, need to be sorted., is it make or break.
His answers were, you started it!! Which I didn't I said no I didn't you did about the bike
The next time he just looked at me, then the next time I mentioned make or break I can't live like this,
He said oh just like that! With nowhere to live, I said well neither have I

That's it, he will not mention it, just says basic things he has to.

I've been in the spare bed 10 nights now, we sit there night after night not saying a word.

The longer it goes on, the more I'm not bothered, I don't know if I want to split and he's just carrying on sweeping it under the carpet again as we can't agree.

Now I know I'm going to get some comments, but think first what YOU would do before answering

Any suggestions please

I think it's a mistake to delegate the future of the relationship to someone who isn't bothered either way. You appear to be wanting him to offer reassurances or declarations of love and they're just not going to happen. Both of you are sweeping things under the carpet, avoiding the inevitable and you've ended up in a stalemate. If you've had enough, make a few plans, get some legal advice, work out the practicalities and then announce the split as a fait accompli. Somebody has to take the initiative

I suppose yes I am wanting him to say or be even a little bit bothered!
He's just not into going through things, as they nearly always lead to an arguement because we can't agree, he think he's right hence "you started it" which I never did. so he would rather say nothing and go on as nothing as happened.
Me I'm not like this, if something isn't right or needs sorting out I have to get it sorted out in my head otherwise it keeps going round and round.
I then resent him for just sweeping it under the carpet, but I must say that's what he does in every situation that is confontational not just with me!
If I started talking to him now, things would be normal, till the next

I don't want to split, but neither can I carry on like this. I can't pretend things are ok when there not, and I don't think I deserve to be ignored anymore

I suppose I am sweeping the inevitable away, i am waiting for something that probably isn't going to happen him saying sorry.
Oh god I don't know anymore! Everything is going round my head.

"I don't want to split, but neither can I carry on like this"

Vacillation is very stressful indeed. From experience you know that there is no compromise so 'not splitting' and 'not carrying on like this' are not going to happen simultaneously. So you have to decide .... and it must be you..... which is more important to you. Base your decision on facts rather than wishes and then have the courage of your convictions.

This is a fork in the road and whichever route you take there are no guarantees of a good outcome. However, IME the biggest regrets in life are not the mistakes you make but the opportunities you pass up.

He isn't going to suddenly become someone else, someone thoughtful and caring, who wants to reassure you. He is clearly more interested in being right, r avoiding a situation where he will be seen to be wrong.
You need to decided for yourself what you will and wont accept, and then you have to be the one to enforce it, and follow through. You have to set your own boundaries.

He's just not that arsed one way or another about remaining in a relationship with you, is he?

So if that's not enough for you, then you're going to have to be the one to do something about it, because it sounds like he's quite happy to carry on in the way things are currently.

I don't know about him being happy to carry on this way, but he seems to be doing it with the odd words here and there.

It sounds ridiculous but because it's gone 10 days without communication now, and me asking him to sort it out.
I now don't know what to say!!!! Or approach the subject. Probably some part of me is embarrassed that it's got to this stage of just ignoring one another.

You're still stuck wondering what he's thinking, what his behaviour means and asking him to sort it out and make a decision etc. You can't influence any of those things and yet you're looking to him to determine you future. Delegate what happens in your life to someone else, dodge making your own decisions, resort to passivity and you're always going to feel like a passenger.

Your spot on cog! I think that's exactly what I doing without realising it till you written it down.
I think I'm waiting for something that's never going to happen( as it hasn't the last 11 days) him starting to talk to me.

I'm just unsure how to start the conversation off, so it doesn't blow into a full scale row. So putting it off!! But know it as to be said

My DH tends to sulk if we have an argument. It is always sorted within 24 hours though. I would NOT put up with be stonewalled for a week or more. If he could not behave in an adult like fashion, he could fuck off.

So things have escalated big time!!!

At lunch time I said to him "after lunch we should talk where do we go from here"
He started to joke and laugh it off!!!!!
I just basically said I can't carry on in this atmosphere, and he basically said I Started it!! (The cheeky bastard, he was the one mouthing off)brought things up from the past, making things up what I suppose to have said.
He has this thing where he twists things round(very clever) to make out I did it or I said it or I'm thinking this that the other!!! When I not doing anything but that. ( don't get me wrong I'm no angel! But I don't try and think what somebody else is thinking or doing) he brought up shit about my son who lives with us(24) whys he living with us he will still be here at 30!!!
He doesn't give enough keep (£200 mth) doesn't degree what son does with his money(clubbing,football,pub)WTF

I also asked why his mobile is on silent all the time! And every time he goes up stair he looks at it(I can see through mirror) he answer was "so now you want to see my text!! Issues there as he was speaking and texting a women on FB last New Year's Eve told me it was his sister!!till I said oh what's she up to tonight and he got tongue tied . That's how I found out
So today I said "if you have nothing to hide so me your text"
He blue up saying " that's invading his privacy" next I wil be asking where's he's been etc etc really silly. I even asked him why as he been ignoring/not attempting any physical involvement with me(I've even been lay on the bed naked and he's just walked pasted. I've even gone to get hold of his nob and he's turn round and said"er what you doing"
Always brings it back to when I was really poorly with depression/anxiety, and I was refusing his advances.

So I feel shattered,very upset that throughout all this he never once said
I what it to work out, what can we do. All I did get was what a bitch I am
And if I do anything he as more money than me and I will fright you to no end!! Why would I want a fight?

I just said then bring it on, I am so shattered .
The cheeky bastard as just come down now and said is it ok if I get my tea early!!! Whatever so were not talking now!!
I just said yes we are, as we need to to get the house valued etc
He said "I'm not agreeing to anything" your committing financial difficulty WTF you bring anybody in this house and I fucking throw them out, no fucking way. I'm signing nothing

What a load of shit I'm in, I could cry my eyes out I keep welling up, I hate confontational things I can see me becoming I'll again through all this.
He is so so stubborn you would not believe, to the point he never spoke to his mum for 10 years

Summing up a little.... you're dealing with an unreasonable person, there's a jointly owned property (?) and you want him to leave. Is that about the size of things?

So it sounds like he may be cheating, he is disrespectful to you, he isn't keen on your son, wont communicate, no sex life and also wont sort anything?
Seriously, stop taking him into consideration. Call in an evaluator yourself. Pretend he doesn't exist. Just get on with what you would do, if he disappeared.
If it is a jointly owned house, can it be sold, so you have a share of the money for starting over?
Do you want to stay, and buy him out?
Or would it be better to cut ties, and have a fresh start?

Yes we both on joint mortgage, there's no chance of him leaving he's already said.
Also said he's good mind not to pay mortgage now as it's in joint names and I'm liable for half(which I know)
Thing is I put 78k down from my house sale for deposit, his half was to pay the mortgage ie my part of half the house upfront, so we just share bills,food etc.
Were both in our late 50s, retired just and I can't afford to buy him out and pay remaining mortgage that would make mortgage 100k I'm 57.
I would have to buy smaller, I've lived in same area for 30 years this house 13.

I've just been accused of ringing my family " and telling them all now, there all calling me now" it was his sister(she does know were not getting on though) so it was a yes no ok conversation as I knew he was listening she asked how I was? And I didn't want to say as he was listening.
So fucking told him it wasn't my family, it was his sister. My sister so she fucking knows about us!!! WTF I'm going crazy
Had to force myself to eat my tea, I feel ill, sick

What a shit situation.
So he doesn't want to leave, but wont work on things either?
I would tell him straight out, his responsibility was paying the mortgage, an if he doesn't pay, then it goes on the market immediately.
As horrible as starting over sounds, it may be the only way for you, where you can be in control of what happens to you.