EXP trying to make contact - Help

[NamelessForNowSorry]

EXP has tried to make contact over FB recently. He has not seen DD or DS in almost 9 years and only a few hours supervised in my home in the year before that.

He took me to court for contact then either only showed for 1hr of the 2hr slot or not at all for a month then nothing. Took me back to court, granted the same 2hrs supervised each week and did the same again.

He had not paid maintenance, sent birthday cards etc.
The DC's are aware of him and have no desire to see him. They are 12 and 10.

DH and I have been together for 8 years. The DC's call him dad. He has raised them. We now have another DC.
EXP now has another 2 children.

I guess this is a WWYD? I have blocked him on FB as my solicitors details have never changed so feel he could contact them again.
Would a court force the DC's to have contact at their age? Please help.

If the 2 hours supervised access hasn't been revoked then I would assume it still technically stands. Maybe you should check with your solicitor? Is the reason that it was supervised because he was abusive or violent? Do you have reason to believe he has not changed?

Your DC feelings would be taken into account, as would the fact that ex has been useless for years. That's if he actually bothers to take it to court.

The judge ordered supervised contact in our home as he had never been on his own with the children.

He is sneaky, he threatened to drive off a bridge with the kids in the back but never in a way where anyone could hear him.
He has also served a custodial sentence for a violent attack (not on me or DC).

With regards to him having changed, I have no idea.

DD and DS know about his past and have no desire to see him. DD say's the fun used to stop when he came.
He used to refuse to take off his coat when visiting them.

What age would a court take the children's wishes into consideration?

Tends to be around 14yo before courts start taking DCs wishes into account. What did the FB message say?

I had blocked him but a message came from his new partner asking me to talk to him, he deserved contact etc. Nothing about the DC's.
I then got a friend request from another profile he has set up.

I could cry, DC's are such fab kids. Do great at school, settled home life and honestly don't want anything to do with him.

Is there is no way you could talk to this man & judge whether he's really as bad as you remember? Nine years, a partner and several more children is a lot of water under the bridge. Your DCs were 1 and 3 when they last saw him, only have stories to go on, will feel pressure to be loyal to you & are not really in a position to decide.

The custodial sentence was less than five years ago. If he was genuinely a better man that I think he would have maintained contact, paid maintenance etc, cared about the DC's wellbeing.

He is a complete stranger to DD and DS.

I'm conscious that I'm giving the guy the benefit of the doubt.... but he's now trying to resume contact, not be a complete stranger, and maybe it's an opportunity rather than a threat? You don't let him off the hook, obviously. Remind him about the nine years backpayments of maintenance etc.. What are you worried will happen if the DCs meet him?

The plot thickens. Our post just arrived containing FIVE letters from the CSA. Four contain a breakdown of what he should have pain over various time frames and one in to inform me they have applied to arrest his wages for current and backdated maintenance. Almost £450pcm.

I had to apply to CSA when we split in order to be able to claim benefits (something about they could re-claim from him?!?) but this is the first sign of maintenance I have had. DH and I have supported the children ourselves.

Is it possible he has already received a letter to this effect?

Close your Facebook account asap for the foreseeable. You can always re activate later down the line.
Don't engage other than through official channels - as you said, he has solicitors details.
If he's as flaky and unreliable as you suggest then I'd imagine this is probably a passing phase, perhaps ignited by his new partner. Lie low and hope that it is - don't actively ignore but only engage if requests are conveyed through the correct channels (ie solicitor) and NOT social media sites.

The CSA communication will be what has triggered the contact. Yes.

Do you think if I ask the CSA to cancel the historic claim he would go away?

I think if he wanted to resume contact, it would make sense for him to go through his solicitor and request some contact time. It's more likely that he wants to talk to you about the CSA stuff and is trying to get in contact under the guise of wanting to see the children.

Ignore and see whether he goes through the correct channels.

You sound very frightened OP? Was the relationship you had with him characterised by intimidation? Do you see him as a threat to your new family set-up?

Intimidation makes him sound friendlier than he was. However all the things he did were to me, not the DC's. He merely ignored them.

DC's are so settled, stable and loved. They have good friends, a superb social life and are both doing well in school. I just don't see how he can come back after so long and jeopardise that. It would cause severe emotional upset to them both.

Has anyone ever been in this position?

I wouldn't cancel the historic CSA claim - he could still insist on contact.

Don't cancel the claim just yet, wait and see what he does.

FWIW my friend's dsd refused to see her mother when she was 12 and her mother was advised that the court would not enforce contact if the child didn't wish it. There were no allegations against the mother or any particular reason, just that they weren't getting on well and were arguing a lot.

They did eventually go on to rebuild their relationship but it was at the child's pace and with lots of support.

I may be jumping to conclusions here but it sounds as though his new partner has been spun a sob story about being refused contact. If be tempted to disabuse her of that idea but NC and solicitor perhaps sounds like the wiser option! Agree with others too- don't cancel the claim yet.

If he's threatened in the past to kill himself and the children, you're right to be wary.

Many women have been in the same position and the court often does see contact with a father as a good thing, so will try to facilitate that if possible. If you're in England, the children's wishes will be taken into account.

It hasn't happened yet, so don't get ahead of yourself, but my children spoke to a court reporter (we're in Scotland) and my eldest doesn't have to see him. She was 12 when she had the interview. It was in her school as he wanted to see her somewhere neutral.

TBH I think he has told each new partner the same sob story. He is very manipulative. He was once a student in the same establishment my husband taught in. I used to park our car there and walk to work For 2 years he passed him and I in the car park, corridors etc and never once asked after the children.

I guess I just hold my nerve and wait to see if he does anything official.

Super loud I am in Scotland too.

Definitely keep with the CSA claim. You are entitled to this money for your children over all those years. It sounds as if the CSA caught up with him, and like some men he's thinking access = maintenance.

The court will take your children's views into account from roughly age 11/12 (CAFCASS interviewer takes into account their 'maturity' in their discussion with them.) CAFCASS interview them and recount their views in a report to the Judge. They won't force a preteen or teen to see someone that they don't want to. I've been through the process! The Judge will just state that they won't make an order either way, given the CAFCASS report. Therefore he won't have access arrangements stipulated by the court.

Funny how he contacts you when he's probably received a CSA. My guess would be he wants contact to try and get out of paying it...but I am very cynical!

Off to take DC3 a walk and clear my head. Will be back later. Thank you all so very much.