if you want space from family members...how?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Do you spell out to them what they have done wrong or tell them to back off if really in your face?
I dont want to go nc as I love my dad and so does dd but the dynamics of extended family are complex and doing my head in.
My dad probably wont listen to me and will stick up for his dp.
Is it best to make excuses to avoid gatherings or best to be straight up?

I think we need more details....

Do they come round all the time or phone you constantly?

If he won't listen to you then it doesn't seem like there's much point trying to spell out what he's done wrong. Will he even agree that he's done anything wrong?

I find it's generally best to be honest. You don't have to fill in all the gory details but if you don't want to go to a gathering, for example, just say 'I don't want to go'. If pressed for more information give as much as is necessary to make your point.

In your case, I seem to remember that your father's DP is difficult and there have been some problems with children winding each other up. So be honest about it .... you'd rather opt out until the dust settles ... and then find something more fun to do on the day in question.

His dps dd is an okd friend except ive realised that shes not a mate and has been makung digs at me for yearscand has more recently moved onto making digs at dd. At this point I snapped. Plus shes been out with 2 of my exes which is against my morals. Dad bigs her up constantly.
Dad and her mum got together 5 months after mum died. Dad pops round without invitation and without knocking . Dd is too attached to him imo and he is lime an alternative e dad. Criticises my parenting! Agggrrr!

Children get attached to all kinds of things that aren't that good for them. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't see Grandad so often. I think you're going to have to risk being unpopular if you are to retain (regain) your self-respect.