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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone survived a long distance relationship

26 replies

Blinkyb · 20/08/2014 19:47

Ok I'm going to sound like an idiot but I welcome advise anyway

A couple of months ago my bf of 1 year left. To begin with I was devastated but as ye weeks went on I started to feel really happy that he had gone.
I went on holiday with dc and had a fab time. One day I started speaking to a man who was absolutely amazing an we hit it off instantly. He took me for a friendly dinner (no alcohol involved and had a wonderful time) as the holiday went on I seen him or spoke to him daily. The time came to leave and my heart was going to burst it hurt so much.
He asked to try a long distance relationship.
So here I am thinking wow I have met a fantastic man but realistically how is this ever going to work.
Any success stories or am I barking mad.
Thanks for listening

OP posts:

Notexactlymarthastewart · 20/08/2014 19:51

Three years on, 80 miles apart, still working xx

Give it a shot!

Original poster

Blinkyb · 20/08/2014 19:56

Awe thank you xx you give me hope

OP posts:

Thenapoleonofcrime · 20/08/2014 20:01

How long distance is long distance?

Given you have children it might be ok to take it slowly anyway.

It is harder, but if you both want to keep in touch, why not see how it works out rather than try to prejudge it now.

It's exciting to meet someone lovely, take your time and enjoy it.

Notexactlymarthastewart · 20/08/2014 20:03

LDR is a good way of taking things slow. Limited time together means that you have to make the time count too.

The DCs don't need to know until you are certain it is going to work, plus time, finances and schedules might get in the way so if it's not really working it will probably end fairly quickly....but if it is right, it's worth organising your life to make the most of it x

Good luck!

Original poster

Blinkyb · 20/08/2014 20:04

Long long distance as in different countries!!!!
It feels right and he is totally different from my usual.
He is German in English
Trying not to pre judge him or myself but I have never felt an attraction so strong. He isn't typical good looking but I think he is lovely

OP posts:

Original poster

Blinkyb · 20/08/2014 20:06

Kids know nothing which is great because if it ends quick no heart ache for them

OP posts:

Notexactlymarthastewart · 20/08/2014 20:11

Wow. Well that beats our 2 train journeys....

Skype, text, FaceTime, Facebook all free communication - we've been known to watch Million Pound Drop on Skype and play along on the app...sad I know x lol!

rosepetalsoup · 20/08/2014 20:32

Hi Blinkyb -- I think you are transferring all your love/missing of your actual boyfriend onto this holiday man. That's not to say it can't work.

mismylinford · 20/08/2014 20:43

My brother started talking to this American lass via a university debate forum and they hit it off. After a year she suddenly stopped talking... Still never met just skyped . Then he got a message a couple of weeks later from her parents she was very ill in hospital. He ran her as they forwarded a number and promised he'd go over to meet her. Luckily she got better and he kept his promise and went over to meet her. 3 years later my brother finally had his visa accepted and he moved over last. year and they were married within 2 months. All that time they had only seen each other for a maximum of 4 weeks at 6 months apart. So yes it can happen if its right

Minionionionion · 20/08/2014 20:44

5 years on after 3 years long distance 85 miles apart, we have DD (2) recently got married and have never been happier, I gave up a lot, but what I lost in one hand I found a million other things in the other :)

If you don't try you will never know!!!

purplemurple1 · 20/08/2014 20:47

Kind of I met a Swedish guy while over there for work One week. We then saw each other every 6 week's or so when I was in Sweden. After a year I moved over to Sweden, that was 4 yrs ago - all is going well with dc2 on the way.
No harm in staying in touch!

MrsGSR · 20/08/2014 20:56

My now DH was living in Germany when we met, he is in the army and for 2 years he spent 1-2 weeks in the UK with me then 3 months 500+ miles away. We Skyped as much as we could. It was tough, but it's definitely possible.

Meerka · 20/08/2014 21:49

It can work, did for my husband and me, but be aware that you only see the best side of each other.

Bisou88 · 20/08/2014 22:43

My DP lives in France, i live in the UK, if your meant for each other then it will work, but its always good to have an "end plan" - Something to work towards. On my last visit we started looking at some schools for our children over there. We will be moving to France within a year. If/when it gets serious, you will want to be together permanently. But yeah, as other people have said, theres plenty of other ways to keep the relationship alive in the meantime.

SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 20/08/2014 22:56

DH and I did Edinburgh/Essex for our first year together. It was hard and exhausting but I loved him and he was worth it.In the end I moved to be with him and we've been together for seventeen years. I'd go for it.

daisychain01 · 20/08/2014 23:02

My DP and I met Online, totally out of character for both of us. In fact nothing was conventional from start to finish! But the LdR worked for us because we really felt a lot for each other and were determined to make it work.

We lived 120 miles apart and burned tracks back and forth along the M4 for 6 years. I spent more weekends over with him so it would be less disruptive for his DS. The 3 of us just got along well from Day 1 which helped!

We made sure we were both on Orange and had each other as a Magic Number so we could chat away each morning before DSS went to school and after dinner.

Bisou - I agree about having an end plan. In our case, fate made the decision for us, because DP had a serious operation and it forced the issue. I just knew at the moment we got his diagnosis that I had to be there for him and DS! No hesitation. I sold my house and we've been living together for the past 18 months. Thanks to the wonderful NHS he is lots better

It certainly tests the relationship but you can make it work!

MummiUni · 20/08/2014 23:05

80 miles apart for 3 years, married for20 years

daisychain01 · 20/08/2014 23:08

Thinking about your DP being abroad, you may be able to get one of those SIM cards for cheap European calls and Skype is still free. Use the internet as much as possible to keep the costs under control.

KingfishersCatchFire · 20/08/2014 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MetalLaLa · 20/08/2014 23:14

70 miles apart for a year after meeting on holiday, three years married now to my DH so it is possible to work, as long as both parties are fully committed to the extra legwork along the way.

barmybunting · 20/08/2014 23:17

Spent 9 years in a long distance relationship due to university, jobs, travelling, military postings (him), ranging between 120 miles apart at the closest, to 500 miles apart at the furthest when we were both in the UK. 2 years of this were also in different countries outside the UK. Have now been married for 3 years, DC1 on the way, he has spent at least 17 months of our marriage to date away deployed to Afghanistan and other military deployments. It can work, we are very happy.

However, I think you need to know that at some point in the future, you will end up in the same place together. An indefinite LDR can be soul destroying.

It sounds like a relationship worth pursuing to see how it goes. It could be the best thing you have ever done! If it is the right relationship for you, I am a great believer that it will work out.

HawthornLantern · 21/08/2014 01:38

It can definitely work.

We managed 4 years' LDR (a mix of UK to the continent and also UK/US). Skype, phone, weekend visits as and when we could manage (first year we only managed 5 meetings - though each was a week or more long). It was enough for us to get to know each other to be willing for one of us to move country, change job and move in together.

But I agree with the poster who said that an indefinite LDR would be soul destroying. We managed 4 years and could probably have managed another couple if we had to - everyone's timing will be different on this - but I think we would have had to split up if we saw no hope of ever being able to live in the same place, and ideally together. That was 5 years ago and we're still very happy.

If you both want to keep the communication going, if you are able to arrange to spend a minimum amount of time together that works for you (we had only about 5 or 6 meetings in our first year) then I think it's possible for an LDR to establish itself and develop. Even if the pace is slower, I think that can have advantages too.

You're certainly not barking and I hope you'll be very happy

kaykayblue · 21/08/2014 08:54

Yes it can work.

We started off as living just over 200 miles from each other (in different countries). Then after one of us moved it was just over 160 miles apart, still in different countries, and now we have been living together for a year.

Get a free text application like viber to help with phone bills. Figure out the least soul destroying method of transport between you (probably low cost flights?). Don't go in with any expectations, and most importantly, don't even think about moving to be with him for a good few years.

It takes much longer in a LDR to genuinely to get to know the other person. We used to travel together for extended periods of time (6 weeks) and even with that, we have still learnt new things about each other since moving in together.

snoggle · 21/08/2014 09:02

Opposite ends of the country for our first year, now been married for 8 years. As someone said, you make the time together really count and it means you don't rush in which is good.

MackerelOfFact · 21/08/2014 11:13

It can work but not forever. At some point you either have to live closer, or break up.

I did it with XP for a year or so. It lasted another 6 years-ish but in the end it turned out that his decision to move closer to me hadn't really been the right one. It's a lot of strain to put on a relationship unless you both know and agree on a longer-term plan.

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