Not sure how to deal with a divorced family

[Gruntbuggly]

Invited a friend and her dc to something. Her reply was that it was exh's w/e and she would pass the invitation to him.

I accept that we have to have a relationship with the exh, as he is equally the dc's parent, but our friendship is with the mum. She was the one we wanted to have over.

What do we do next? We cannot change the date.

I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings!

Hmm, tricky.

Can you get back to her and say that it was HER that you wanted to have over, not her exH? Although I'm guessing its a bit late now.

Are you able to talk to her next time you see her and tell her that invites to her aren't necessarily transferrable to the ex? Or would she be touchy about her DC missing out on things?

Next time check the dates with her if it is something you want HER for, a simple 'Does X date fall on one of your weekends?' would do the trick.

Well is the primary reason for invite for the children to see each other (eg birthday party) in which case I'd think fair enough for their dad to bring them, for the adults to socialise in which case you'd be fine to tell mum you want to see her not ex, or a mixed bag?

The third will be the grey area where you will need to sort out the reason for inviting I think.

I'd call her and say that it was her you really wanted to see. You'd be happy to see her without the DCs if they will be with their father.

It's a 3-family get-together, so it's about both the adults and the children socialising.

Then maybe the response should be that you'll pass on this occasion but, now that you know there are 'his weekends' and 'her weekends' you'll be sure to coordinate diaries when it's 'her weekend' for the next get-together. Does she know you don't like her exH especially?

Would you have invited the whole family (her + him + DCs) prior to the divorce? In which case YABU. The "whole family" is now minus one parent on any given weekend, so you get whatever the "whole family" happens to be at the time of your event.

Is she your friend?
Are she and ex jointly your friends?
Are her DC and your DC the main friends here?

If you think of her specifically as your friend, and the DC just play together because of that, then I think next time around you invite her and ask what weekend would work for her.

OTOH if it's mainly the children that are friends, then you accept whichever parent happens to be with them on that weekend.

She should have checked before passing. Explain that it was her you wanted to see, if she's already passed it I would on this occasion still have him over if he accepts as it's not his fault she has passed it on without checking and a I wouldn't want to unfairly hurt his feelings. Ask her not to do that next time though, it's your house to choose who you invite to!

Why would she do that? That's really weird.

Either way someone gets hurt: df misses out and exh's presence influences the atmosphere, or the dc miss out.

I don't thi k that the fact that we would previously have invited them as a couple is relevant. As Vanitas said, we choose whom we invite into our home.