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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fed up of feeding the relationship getting unsocial what to do ?

20 replies

gg1234 · 09/08/2014 21:19

hi ,
I have my 6 month old lo who occupies me day and night on weekdays when my hubby works . on weekends my DH wants to take rest and not go out for walks etc just clings to his own hobby .I am just fedup with all this. I have stopped meeting his friends and even I have stop talking to him . just cook do housework and then again back to my room .. I don't want a fight .I think I need direction in my own life rather than just feeding this relationship .Am I depressed ? I had recently made a mum friend and I go out with her . to go out with her is more relaxing but I think I am being too clingy ...

what should I do ?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 21:35

Well,I'd be wondering why you and dh don't socialise.he prefer hobby to seeing you
Your range is limited no wonder you're cheesed off.he isolates himself
Start to look at working and/or studying.get some focus.when do yiu return to work?

Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 22:12

Thanks that's the point and no point in begging people to take you out etc etc you just feel so less .I haven't been working for a while and I think that was the worst decision I ever made in my life .Returning back to work after a gap of 4 years a just so tuff In the middle I did courses to update my cv .Day care costs are too high and to be honest I think it will be good if my lo is one year .heard a lot of reviews about bad day cares etc etc . My head in just in the mud right now .No direction and I depend a lot on my hubby for everything ...

OP posts:
amyhamster · 09/08/2014 22:15

What is his hobby?

amyhamster · 09/08/2014 22:15

Tbh at the weekends he should be helping look after the baby & maybe suggesting you go & have some time on your own

Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 22:17

amyhamster .. ha ha watching news the whole day from 8 am in the morning till night 11 pm .playing video games .

OP posts:
Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 22:19

Oh I have had enough of that amyhamster. no help in housework , no help with the baby .Just life on ones own terms ...

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 22:20

Unkess hes huw edwards or a commissioning editor what the fuck he watching news for

Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 22:23

no idea ... I think I would be better off at my moms place for sometime else this will drive me crazy ....

OP posts:
Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 22:26

Thanks guys if you can just put on some suggestions .What can I do ?
it would be great ..

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 09/08/2014 22:33

Draw up a diary of what both of you do each day (and night) for a week.

So between him leaving the house and coming back from work you are both busy providing for your family.

From when he gets in you do x y z, he does, um nothing? who gets up in the night, if needs be? Who gets up in the morning with baby if baby is up early? put those in too.

Then weekends what he does, what you do. Who gets a lie in? Who doesn't? You will quite plainly see the situation.

Then do another with a more equal division of chores and leisure time.

then tell him that the first is not good enough, and a version of the second needs to be agreed and stuck to and if he doesn't he can sling his hook.

If you feel you might be depressed go to the docs.

does your DH not notice or care that you are not even acknoledging each other's existence? Does he do anything at all with the baby?

wafflyversatile · 09/08/2014 22:38

Looks like this

--ME---------HIM
Monday
6am--up with baby--------in bed
7am
8am--looking after baby-------off to work
6pm--cooking dinner-------back home, on sofa
7pm--baby to bed-----on sofa
8pm--tidying up-------on sofa

Saturday
6am--up with baby--------snoring

etc etc

Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 22:46

He does play with the baby after office ... but yes the care goes to me totally .That chart is perfect to be honest ...:) After I had left my job The house just comes to me ... Being a women I have to cook( Breakfast , lunch and dinner ) , do bedding , laundary and now baby ..silly

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 22:52

Plan return to work,clearly you're bored being housewife
But for as long as you dint work well yes the domestic stuff and baby is your remit
You two don't seem to socialise.its parallel separate lives.do you like him?

Original poster
gg1234 · 09/08/2014 23:36

Our relationshio was not smoothe to be honest earlier , moreover my Dh has a past history of a dysfunctional family which has resulted him to become a little different from others .His father never get along with his mom and now he doesn't talk to his father at all .All-over he is honest and reliable but a lot lazy and quite patriarchal.
I need to improve a lot on my communication stuff to socialise I am too a bit weared at times. Straight forward and talk less .

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 23:42

Of course hes patriarchal.hes working,you're housewife.your set up is patriarchal
Go back to work
Start looking for nursery,or get cm

wafflyversatile · 09/08/2014 23:48

lots of men work without being patriarchal. Lots of women work yet have the housework fall to them on evenings and weekends while their DH has leisure time.

wallypops · 10/08/2014 06:56

I think the real thing you need to get across is that you should have equal leisure time. Also it is time for you to take some hours out and leave him to "bond" with the baby. You want to work up to a weekend away. Find yourself an activity or hobby or evening course or whatever. Just going back to work isn't going to solve much.

Fairylea · 10/08/2014 07:32

Being a sahm isn't patriarchal. No more than if a woman was the breadwinner and the man stayed at home- ie not at all! It's a choice that suits many families but it only works if the stay at home parent is respected as an equal partner, someone who is contributing equally to the family. If you want to return to work go ahead but that's not the main issue here - the main issue is the lack of support and respect from your partner.

You should have equal spending money, equal leisure time and when you are both home housework and childcare should be split equally. Obviously when he is at work you are at work at home.

You need to tell him how you feel and start leaving him with more responsibility for your child. Stop being the default parent, which is what he is making you to be.

Original poster
gg1234 · 10/08/2014 10:10

Hi all many thanks for this help I really need people to understand me a lot and give me solutions for the same .

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 11:00

Okay,so pull the internet.no telly or games.go out do an activity as a family
He participate and helps eg makes sandwiches,gets baby ready.he acts like your partner
Cook a dinner together,get involved in chopping,prep,having a laugh.watch a movie

If he's constantly on telly,or games that stops.he makes time for you,and the infant

How about Once a week he cook for you
He should want to be having a vibrant mutual relationship with you

You having friends isn't clingy btw its inevitable you seek it out.however its not substitute for emotionally absent partner

Do consider your next steps regards work and/or study.to stimulate you,to get a role that isn't only mum/partner.you're clearly not happy,unless this improves then yes you do need a strategy for not being wholly financially dependent on him

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