People pleaser in awkward situation.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

I've posted about going NC with SiL. Was the right choice and I feel like a different person because of it.

MiL visited recently. Was concerned she'd mention SiL and I not speaking but luckily it didn't come up.

Problem now is MiL wants DS to stay for a week in the holidays. I don't want him to go.

SiL lives with MiL and bullied DS as much as she bullies me. Last time she visited every time DS opened his mouth he got a verbal slap and she nags him about everything. For example; we were in a restaurant, DS was full and had left some chicken. I was fine with it, don't mind if children don't 'finish their plate'. SiL launched into a huge attack on him and told him that we'd take it home and 'he could eat it cold covered in bits of napkin.'

I did stand up for him and decided at that point that I was done with her.

I came on here, talked about it, researched Narcissism and cut her out of my life. It's been a few months now and I'm loads happier.

But how do I turn down MiL's offer for him to stay? I'm pretty sure she's completely blind to SiL's true character. DP is too, actually. He just calls it 'attitude'.

Just say, that's a very kind offer MIL but I'd prefer he says here.

Why?

Because I just would More tea?

^^^

This ...

You can always arrange a couple of days out just you, mil, DS.

'I would like Brad Pitt to pop over this summer and rub my feet at night, but that's never going to happen either'.

Or you could off for MIL to come and stay with you for a week if you could stand it

She's more than welcome to stay here. She lives a while away so it's always for a few nights.

I'm pretty sure DS wouldn't even want to go. He finds it boring down there.

The other reason she wants us down there is so while I'm there I can 'sort out' her house. She's a bit hoarderish. I'm tidy. It's not that I don't have stuff, just that it's put away. Every time I go down there to help her sort stuff out it doesn't happen. She moves it around and just chucks out one thing. It's draining.

Or she'll ask me to help decorate, I'll be there for 4 days and in that time they'll be no mention of actually buying any paint or clearing a room. Then I leave. SiL will make PA comments about me coming to help but 'we end up just sitting around'.

Yet I feel totally unreasonable for not dropping everything, paying £60+ in train fare and 'helping' her.

Why am I like this?

Just say no. Invite her down if you must. Why do you think you feel guilty? What was your own childhood like?

Why am I like this?

I don't know.

How about asking your son and trying to please him this time?

'Son - do you want to spend a week at nana's with auntie?'
'No [look of horror]'
'Oh good, I'll let her know'.

How did she ask exactly?

She didn't ask. It was more of a statement.

'We'll arrange a time for you [DS] to come down.'

He's not going, that bit isn't the problem. There's no way I'd put him through that.

It's just telling her..! Am no good at this kind of thing.

Don't tell her, just each time she mentions it have an excuse.

'Not that week, DS has plans'.
'Oh not that week either, he has a new friend he is seeing - it is all booked'.
'Nope, I think he is booked each week and weekend of the summer hols'
'Oh well, maybe next year'.

If you do it by email or text, then it gives you time to think up [or arrange something if you can't lie]. So say 'MIL - text me some ideas but he is pretty booked up'.

I had a mentor once who advised me to 'stroke them with warm gloves' in which he meant; 'let them feel good about it but do what you want to do anyway by stealth and planning - and never let them know because they will be so relaxed by the stroking'. I have used it ever since.

And never forget
'I'll check our diaries and get back to you'
'I'll have to see what X and Y are doing as that date rings a bell'
'Ooh, you know what I am not sure, leave it with me'.

And always 'I think Funky is coming that week and DS is looking forward to meeting her'

And the invisible friend who cancels at the last minute. I use this one regularly. Damn her!

'stroke them with warm gloves'

I like that!!

Say no?
You have made great progress in cutting this vile person out of your life.
Your Ds needs you to protect him from her nastiness.
Mil is not your problem.
If you cannot say a simple no then any of the following;
We have plans
Ds has friends coming over
We are busy that week
Not convenient
Ds/you are ill
Any of the above would do.
I have zero tolerance for this shit tbh.
Life is too short.
Good luck x

Great thread, I need to remember some of these -
I'm also a terrible people pleaser :-(
love the invisible friend one Funky!

Someone once said on here that "no" is a complete sentence

In this case though - I'd actually say 'to be honest MIL, as you know, we have cut SIL out due to her bullying/narcissistic ways and there is no way on earth I am going to send my son to stay in a house with her there. So no. But you are welcome to see him here'. Get the elephant in the room out of the closet and on the rug for all to see.

I must admit I would also be truthful and just say you don't want DS anywhere near SIL.

The truth is the only long term way forward here - otherwise you will always be making excuses. If MIL argues say she is entitled to her view of SIL but so are you !

You don't need to say no.

You simply carry on with your life, and if she wants to make 'statements', then let her. You don't even respond.

If she gets to the point where she calls and directly asks for a date for either you or DS to come down, then you make a decision. Lots of options based on how upfront you feel. MIL knows you are NC with SIL, so how bad can it be?

1. Oh, yes, of course - hhmm, things are compltely hectic right now. I'll have to have a think about it.'

1. 'I don't think that will be manageable over this holiday - DS is very booked up.'

1. 'No, I don't think so. DS has also had enough of being spoken to inappropriately by SIL and neither of us would enjoy a visit including her. You are always welcome here to see him.'

1. 'No, I won't be coming - I have no wish to have any further contact with SIL and neither does DS, as she treats him badly too. You are always welcome here.'

Oh, and say clearly to your DP - MIL has asked about DS going down there, it won't be happening - I do not wish DS to have any further contact with SIL due to her abuse. Please don't imply that we will visit if you speak to her.

• 'blah, blah... her attitude, I know'

• 'Not attitude, an abusive personality. It's my responsibility to protect DS from that. It's also perhaps a good idea to avoid pushing DS to the point where he actively hates her, rather than just profoundly dislikes her as he does now, don't you think? I'd rather preserve his relationship with MIL if I can.'