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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I should detach, but I'm so mad

29 replies

PPaka · 01/08/2014 01:01

We are separated, but still in same house

I ask him 'what are you doing Thursday night?'

His response - nastily ' what cos you want to go out with Jane?'

I say, no she is coming round here, if you come in from work, we will go out for dinner, if you're late, we'll just stay here until you get home'

He gets to go our 3/4 times a week, me never.

He's still out.
1am

I'm hungry, and my friend left a bit pissed cos she was hungry too.

OP posts:
movingtoourwillow · 01/08/2014 01:16

I don't understand, why didn't you go out for dinner? DC in the house? Why didn't you just get a takeaway delivered when he wasn't back, by say 9?

He obviously stayed out to ruin your night but why did you let him?

Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 01:23

Yes, dc in bed

I didn't really have much food in, we had salami, cheese, olives, but didn't want to eat too much cos we thought we were going out, just expected him to be home so we could go out.

It's not really about the food, we're not going to starve, more about the fact that he has obviously gone out- when he knew I wanted to go out. He goes out all the time.

OP posts:
movingtoourwillow · 01/08/2014 01:26

Yeah I see what you mean, what a dick. Sounds like he just swans around pleasing himself because he knows you won't because of the kids. Hope you don't have to live with him much longer!

Catrin · 01/08/2014 01:31

Ppaka - I am still living the dream (nightmare) too.

In the same situation, I say - "Are you in or out?" If he says in, but isn;t by, say 7.30, I text and say, "So i presume you are out, X and me will be in having dinner." So he is warned (i.e., get out of my space) and cannot kick off. Do not let your plans fester because of him, just be creative around him.

solosolong · 01/08/2014 01:39

I know this is hard (and not at all fair) but just try not to expect anything from him. That way at least you won't be disappointed and angry and you will gain more control of your life. It definitely made me feel more positive. Do as Catrin says and always have a cut-off point for your plan B so he can't spoil your evening. Once he sees that you don't need him, ironically, he may actually start to behave better. He sounds like a complete arse, but try not to let him get to you.

Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 01:40

I shouldn't have said anything, I won't next time.
Sorry you're in a similar boat Catrin

OP posts:
Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 01:42

Solo, I thought we'd done that by saying it didn't matter what time he came in. I never thought he'd be this mean. Should have just planned a takeaway.
I really bloody wanted to go out.

OP posts:
Floop · 01/08/2014 03:07

Stop telling him your plans?

He's gone out to piss you off, and trap you in the house.

If you hadn't have told him, he'd have come home. Probably.

tallwivglasses · 01/08/2014 03:45

"I shouldn't have said anything, I won't next time."

There you go, his mission's accomplished. Step 2: alienate you from Jane. Please be careful OP.

Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 09:46

I want to go out tonight, but that's to the theatre, no was he'd get home by 6.30 for me to go

OP posts:
Squidstirfry · 01/08/2014 10:50

Assume he is not going to be around, act like he doesn't exist.

Orgainise a childminder for the nights you want to go out.

Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 11:14

I would but can't afford a babysitter Sad

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 01/08/2014 11:34

Is there any way a friend could babysit tonight, in exchange for you doing the same?

Don't tell him ANYTHING.

Why is he getting to go out 3-4 times a week?

Make sure that YOU have an evening or two out - preferably on a night you know he would automatically have plans but nothing has been agreed. Say on a Friday or Saturday. Text at 5 to say you're going to be late 'but will try and get back so that he can go'. And then don't. And when he kicks off, say calmly 'Well, you made no special effort to come back that Thursday when you knew that me and Jane wanted to go out, so assumed that was the accepted attitude. Or is it one rule for you and another for anyone else?'

And every time he lets you down - 'Well, it's your choice. There are going to be many times in the future, when we're split and you are living apart from the rest of this family, when you are going to be relying on me to include or make allowances for you. Just bear that in mind when you deliberately make life difficult...'

Squidstirfry · 01/08/2014 11:42

If you can't afford childcare, get him to pay for the childcare!

In advance: "I am going out Wednesday, the DC need a childminder it costs -- which you'll need to organise seeing as you can't be relied upon to be home"

Don't put up with this sort of nonsense.

middleeasternpromise · 01/08/2014 12:18

Presumably his attitude towards his responsibility to care for the children is part of why you are separated. Unfortunately some people think that when they are in relationships and have families, then everybody belongs to them; they get very narked when you suggest otherwise. I would say you are looking at the future and he's not going to pull his weight.

Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 16:13

Everything I ask for causes a row
He's abusive and he flares up at everything

OP posts:
Jan45 · 01/08/2014 16:25

You really need to get yourself and the kids out that horrible situation asap.

ihatethecold · 01/08/2014 17:15

How long are you planning on living like this.
It's not good. I really feel for you.

Original poster
PPaka · 01/08/2014 18:04

Well it's all down to money
Until I go back to work, or until he gets bonus- December

OP posts:
Original poster
PPaka · 02/08/2014 12:05

Well I've left him to it this morning
Just got up and said I was going shopping.
He almost lost it, because there's some rugby game on, but I emphasised that as I will be away for the best part if 2 weeks, he should make the most of the time with ds

He's spent the last 2 weekends with him in front of the TV with some or other sporting event

OP posts:
something2say · 02/08/2014 12:08

I think you have to be careful. I regularly advise people who have to love with an ex while the house is sold etc. I would advise to avoid all forms of confrontation. Take responsibility for it, do not give info that can be used against you, do not expect help or assistance with any aspect of your life. If you hope to become the resident parent, do all of the child are knowing that he may agree but then let you down just to pass you off. Do it, and wait for the formal contact arrangements.

It's only a stage and will pass soon enough x

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 12:19

Why can't he move out? Or you? You'd get tax credits if you lived by yourself and with kids, you'd get quite a lot. I used to get about £700 a month!

This is a hideous situation.

Original poster
PPaka · 02/08/2014 12:20

Something2say, thanks.
It's obvious you understand the strain. That's what I was doing before the split, so doing it now isn't much different.
I do everything with ds, he does whatever he wants.

It's very hard to bite your tongue when it's blatantly unfair though.

But I will get through it
I'm also prepared for the huge fuss about seeing his son, and then letting him down, or doing nothing with him. He's all talk.

OP posts:
something2say · 02/08/2014 12:25

Exactly. Well enjoy your day sweetheart, you clearly deserve it!! And then, plan your new home. Without him.

Original poster
PPaka · 02/08/2014 12:25

He can't move our because he can't possibly afford it. That's a whole other thread. Thousands slip through his fingers every month
I wouldn't get any benefits, I have another property.

OP posts:
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