Double standards?

[razordark]

Been reading quite a few threads here.Some very funny (intentionally as well as unintentionally)

I've read quite a few threads when a poster has said that her DH has told her (in a nice/nasty manner) that she has got fat and 90% of the responses have been along the lines of "Ditch the bastard" "How dare he" etc.

However, when a thread has been about how a DW's other half has got fat, it has been "he sounds like a slob" "Tell the couch potato to get off his butt".

Apart from double standards, is there any other explanation?

I read most of the threads on the Relationships board and have seen very, very few that refer to size.

There's bound to be bias by virtue of the gender split in users of the site. It crops up occasionally but I wouldn't say regularly. I suppose its noticeable because its rare.

Heres some double standards for you. Different responses from the same poster towards Ops in sexless relationships based purely on the genders mentioned in the OPs posts. In both scenarios this poster blames the woman whether its the woman with the low libido or the man.

THese are the double standards which annoy me This thread has another link in it and you will be able to see what I mean.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2144584-Is-my-husband-fit-healthy-no-sex

Darkeyes this is Mumsnet you are looking at not Psychiatry Weekly or The BMJ magazine. MNetters are just ordinary women( mostly) responding to the Posts. They are bound to be wildly differing and gender based. Have you read Dadsnet? Also, Sometimes after a response to one post has been made in a certain way, the OP makes another post adding additional vital information. This additional information then wholly changes the response. When I read the link you posted to show evidence of gender bias, the responses changed because of additional information being given by the OP. Then the response went from suggesting the Post was at fault to blaming her DH. I don't care much about the gender bias, as all the advice on MN must be taken with a pinch of salt, surely. What I do think though is that the advice should be limited to say 15 responses. I don't know why Mumsnet don't do that, as who is going to plough through 800 Etc responses? If MumsNet relationship advice annoys you, have you thought about not reading it?

I have been an MNer for 3 years and have found these boards really supportive.
But if I spot hypocrisy or double standards or misogyny I WILL call it out. Its not fair that a poster should make excuses for a male who has refused to be intimate with his wife for 11 years, when he posted on a previous thread where a woman had done the same for a matter of months, inferring that she is a user. IMO Its simply not on.

And if you don't care about gender bias you are the one posting in the wrong place.

And why should threads have a limit of 15 responses. Would you say the same for Facebook or Twitter.

Or sites like MSE.

Or is it just MN you would like to see that adjustment made to.

I never really see this type of 'forum policing' anywhere else but mumsnet.
But the other places are mainly male dominated. Also double standards?

Well I am only on Facebook, and yes I think I would like responses to be cut to around 15. Personally I would not make excuses for a male or female refusing sex to their DH or DW, but how serious should the Advice on MumsNet be taken? The people giving advice are not professionals, surely that is something everyone realises ? Because there are so many different and diverse people offering advice I would be surprised NOT to come up against a whole myriad of personal prejudices. I don't feel annoyed if I don't agree. I read the stuff and I sometimes I am interested, occasionally intrigued, and sometimes bored.

Well, you don't have to read more than 15 responses if it bores you, but most of us have a slightly longer attention span than that and would really welcome (a) a lengthy debate (as long as it isn't just playground tit for tat) and (b) an opportunity for the OP to come back and expand, update, discuss and all that. One wouldn't want someone seeking advice here to be limited to the first few who weren't at work and happen to be quick typists, surely? Some of us take about as long to type a considered response as another dozen posters take to bash out "LTB" or "You're as bad as each other". So there will be a bias in favour of instant, possibly ill-considered responses. As you say yourself, the people giving advice are (mostly) not professionals, so a variety of views is more likely to be helpful. Of course when they're all pretty much unanimous "LTB", that in itself is quite informative...

I am more sympathetic to a woman gaining weight than I am a man, especially if she has had multiple pregnancies close together. It's really hard to gain pregnancy weight, look after a baby & lose weight repeatedly. Then as you start to come out of the full care side of children your metabolism slows down as you approach menopause & you lose muscle mass.

It is true Annie that I can just read the first 15 responses but if something interests you and you intend to give advice, don't you have a responsibility to read all the posts? Some get into the 8 hundreds. How much advice can a person digest. I think 15 is quite a good number. Anyway, we are getting away from the OP. She was concerned about Gender bias on MN, but then in later Posts she included Hypocrisy and Misogyny. I think it is inevitable on MNET that the women side with the women, GENERALLY ( not always) as most posts and responders are women. I just accept that this is the case and digest the advice accordingly. However, in a discussion lasting over a hundred responses the thread can and does twist and turn and sometimes the OP 's original question is lost. It can also be added to by a further post from the OP containing extra information, which then elicits a totally different response. I am just surprised that Razor is surprised by anything on the discussion board. I didn't say I was bored either, I said I was sometimes bored. It is when the responses are saying the same thing over and over again, or recounting their own experiences when the post is asking for ideas. Etc. Also I don't like to see women being bullies as in telling another responder to F Off. I don't feel annoyed with posts, I feel angry about the pain that some of the women are going through and for the poor DC affected by what is going on. I just accept that Gender Bias and inconsistencies are going to be there in the responses, because MNEtters are human and humans are mecurial.

I totally agree with the double standards here on mumsnet - especially with the sex life ones - a woman with a DH who has a low libido is 'entitled to a good sex life' but a man with a DW/DP who is less interested in sex is told to have a wank or do more housework.

Variety is the spice of life. Just keep posting on threads you think aren't fair.......,what more can you do! Are you a man by any chance

There is not one mass homogenous 'MN Opinion' . The beauty of MN is that it is made up of a lot of different people and a lot of different opinions. However, as it is a site run principally by mothers for other mothers there is going to be a female bias. Also double standards, contradictions, inconsistences, and all points in between. I think it's slightly odd when people complain therefore.

However, I've also seen threads where the OP wants a particular 'YES' response, gets 99 posts saying 'NO', 1 solitary post saying 'YES' and then claims to be vindicated in their point of view. In short, people read what they want to read, hear what they want to hear & take from it what they want to take from it.

If you are specifically talking about loosing weight and getting in shape then it is a fact that it is easier for a man.

I speak as someone who works out regularly .

Without boring you, due to the make up of a mans body, it is easier to loose fat and build muscle tone.

The design of a woman's body n
Means she is genetically designed to store fat.

So actually it could be said that a fat man is indeed lazier than a fat woman.

I see very little evidence of double standards on here and wonder why so many people complain about it.

In fact I think some posters are overly tolerant and kind to male posters. There was one guy on the dating thread (don't know if he is still there) but some of the women were fawning over him and acting like his word was god.

I always laugh when I see a male poster who is having relationship problems tell posters that he helps out with the housework and childcare, aw bless.

Never do I read a female poster write this.

well, if hole wants to insist on a 15 post limit, then I can I insist that posters use paragraphs? I can't be bothered to read one long stream-of-consciousness 20 line paragraph.

The one that annoys me is:

Plan your escape, collect documents, filter money away, gather a deposit so you can rent somewhere with the children, here's a link to the benefit calculator and so forth.

If a bloke planned like that there would be a massive outcry about how devious and controlling he was. Not to mention there must be an OW because men apparently aren't allowed to leave relationship because their wife is a psycho stalking jealous controlling freak from hell. Oh no, must be an OW.

"If a bloke planned like that there would be a massive outcry about how devious and controlling he was."

Sadly, the first hint a lot of women get that their marriage is in trouble is when the DH carries out his own escape plan, disappearing with the documents, the contents of the joint account and has already earmarked a place to stay... The 'OW' outcome is also so common as to almost be a cliché. You can't really blame anyone for leaping to that conclusion

"I always laugh when I see a male poster who is having relationship problems tell posters that he helps out with the housework and childcare, aw bless."

Maybe that's because one of the first things that's asked of any man on here is whether they do their fair share around the house.

I think that bias on here is to be expected. I do think male OP's get judged more harshly for their style/wording of their OP.

I think the style/wording criticism often happens because men appearing on this site either go too far one way and come across as ingratiating and insincere ....'hello ladies'.... or too far the other and go straight on the offensive. Also, given that this is a text-only environment, style and choice of words can provide extra information

Two years ago there was a thread started from a woman who was being abused by her DH. He had pressurized her into having a third child. When left alone with said child he had let her play with a cigarette lighter.
He had also caused an accident where the child fell a couple of steps down the stairs.
The family had 2 cars one of which was dangerous to drive. Guess which one he made her use. And yes to ferry the kids around in it. This lady was intelligent and articulate. But had been so ground down over a number of years when she posted on here that it took 3 long threads which helped her to see what he was doing to her and the DC. If this had been limited to 15 responses....
a. she would have had to keep starting new threads ....thus increasing the chance of her DH finding out.
b. She would also have had to explain herself several times over on each new thread causing her even more stress than she was under already.
c She may not have bothered to come back at all. Limiting threads to 15 responses is a daft idea. Some of us have bigger attention spans than of that required to watch reality tv shows!

Coming up with the idea of limiting threads to 15 responses on a predominantly female dominated site smacks of trying to silence women tbh.