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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What can I do? Neighbour DV

12 replies

HildaOgdensCoffeeTable · 31/07/2014 09:27

Neighbours regularly shout at each other, but I've heard (3rd hand) that there is also DV, I've not heard or seen it, only heard the shouting.

The police were called a couple of days ago, but apparently the neighbour denied being physically assaulted. Again this is 3rd hand - also 3rd hand info is that she has been in a violent relationship before, and left.

What, if anything, can I do? We're on "hello" terms & she has friends in the same street - is it really a case of it having to be up to her to leave?!

If I keep a record of shouting would that possibly help if she chooses to go to court?

OP posts:

Anarchy99 · 31/07/2014 09:34

I have a similar issue with my upstairs neighbours - I called the police after a particular argument when I heard him hit her, I have seen her with a black eye and I know how he speaks to her (I can hear some of their conversations clearly) but when the police came she denied it and has stayed with him.

To be honest, I just stay out of it now - she won't leave until/unless she feels ready to

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/07/2014 09:35

Keep calling the police if you hear violent arguments and you're worried. There is a point at which, if there are repeated complaints, they will prosecute anyway and not rely on the alleged victim to press charges.

Anarchy99 · 31/07/2014 09:35

Also, I live on my own so am afraid that he will start on me if he finds out that I called the police.

Allinson2014 · 31/07/2014 09:41

Having been a victim of domestic violence myself I would say there isn't anything you can do at the moment. If she's denying anything is happening (an assuming it is) then she just isn't ready to ask for help yet.

I'd have been really embarrassed if a friend had asked me if I was suffering DV and I'm ashamed to admit that I would have denied it and probably distanced myself from them as a result as I wasn't ready for the help.

Can you remain friendly with her? It may be she will approach you at some point to talk, but until she gets to that point herself she's likely to continue to deny it's happening.

Are there children involved?

Allinson2014 · 31/07/2014 09:44

Also yes if you keep a record it may help if it goes to court although I'm not 100% sure on that but it sounds like a good idea.

Original poster

HildaOgdensCoffeeTable · 31/07/2014 10:13

Thank you all, I have called the police in the past - selfishly I am worried about repercussions if he guesses its me - although if he threatens me, I will advise the police.

It is so horrible to hear, & so sad for her living like that. I'll pop round with some pretext once he's out - thanks again.

OP posts:

Allinson2014 · 31/07/2014 10:23

I don't think it's selfish to be worried about your own safety is this man is capable of domestic violence to his DP.

I also wanted to say you sound like a lovely person and I hope she can come to you when she manages to leave "D"P. You might find she's been alienated by a lot of her friends due to DPs behaviour and it's nice someone is there for her.

Lally112 · 31/07/2014 10:30

I'm going to get a flaming for this but I would leave it, Its not worth risking yourself over. She has a choice, shes made her bed and shes lying in it. My mother constantly bounced from bad egg to bad egg like this and chose men like this over her children when given the choice of leaving or having her children taken away. She denied everything too and picked these men over herself and her kids. Your neighbour sounds about the same so I doubt you will be able to convince her either.

GraduallyGoneInsane · 31/07/2014 10:40

I'm a family lawyer, and one of the best pieces of advice I've seen given to friends and family of those experiencing DV was from a women's charity. I wish I could remember which one, so I could give them credit.

They suggest it is important for friends to be there, but not to bring up DV. Let the victim bring it up when she is ready. If they will speak, even just admitting temper, I've seen situations where a neighbour has said 'there's a key in my shed to the back door of the house. If you ever need to use it to get a break, even if I'm not in, it's there.'

I've known women who have spent years putting up with it, but when they finally were able to escape, the secret key provided a safe haven to get to to call the police and make arrangements for refuges, staying with family etc.

Obviously, this advice is largely for close friends, so might not be appropriate. It will help to just be there saying good morning and letting her know that someone knows of her existence.

Appletini · 31/07/2014 10:48

Women living with DV have a reduced ability to make choices. I'm sorry to hear about your childhood Lally but it doesn't mean your advice is correct.

Lally112 · 31/07/2014 15:00

Appletini I just don't think the OP could do anymore or should put herself in danger to continue to try and help someone who doesn't want to be helped. As for my own personal upbringing, kids or string of violent men? there isn't a choice.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 31/07/2014 19:48

You can't help someone until they recognise that they have a problem and want to help themselves, only then can you help them up. It may be helpful to be friendly with her and to make her feel that she can call into you if it ever gets a bit much at home. Also call the police when you hear shouting. If that happens enough it may make her realise that her relationship is not normal.

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