he doesn't care

[Whilewildeisonmine]

if I knew dp was upset I would want to be there for him, hold him and want him to know I am there. tonight (not for the first time) he can't be bothered as he's too tired.

That makes no sense. I'm posting on my phone. what i mean is he knows I'm upset but doesn't care.

Maybe he does care but doesn't know how to show it? Why are you upset? Perhaps we can offer support instead.

Why what has happened while? I hope you're okay.

I dont know.

I'm struggling with SDC and hours lack of support. we tried to discuss things earlier but hw was more interested in playing candy crush..

I've come downstairs. He told me he is disappointed that I find being a stepmother so hard. I'm sorry I just can't cope sometimes. I have a baby and toddler and extra DC in the house who won't even acknowledge me most of the time is difficult.

If 'not for the first time' means that he is in the habit of showing no care or affection in times of crisis then it doesn't sound like much of a partnership. How long have you been together?

cogito we've been together 4 years.

How old are your sdc and are they with you a lot? Is your dp generally not very supportive?

they're 13 and 10. They're here half the week and EOW. I usually manage just fine but this week has been pretty intense. They're staying for another fortnight after this week and I'm already anxious.

I take back my earlier point. It doesn't sound as though he doesn't know how to show he cares. It sounds as though he is refusing to engage in your being upset because it might impact on him. He's also belittling your concerns by making it about his disappointment.

for you. There's nothing lonelier than being with someone who is ignoring your needs.

he gets very defensive when it comes to them. he doesn't see how it can be frustrating at times not to be involved but expected to clean, cook for them with not even a thank you.

I know he had dc before I came along, I don't begrudge them coming here. I just find it overwhelming sometimes!

thank you bookaboosue. I'm having a lonely moment and your words have really helped.

I guess it must also be tough because they are at a different stage to your dc? Do they all get on well together?

On a separate note, does your dp discuss arguments and disagreements the next day or when you have both calmed down? Does he acknowledge that he can be unsupportive?

Well, I'd be pissed off if I didn't get thanks or appreciation from my own kids, so it's not just about you being a stepmother.
YANBU to want respect from those around you, so don't let the 'step' but cloud the issue.

the little ones adore their older brothers and sdc are great with them. dp is a lot older than me so his dc are actually closer to my age than he is. They're good children, it's dp who allows them to call the shots and his disney parenting that is the biggest problem. he seems to expect me to instinctively know when to step in and when to keep out of something.

bit, not but.

If you're feeling anxious about them staying can you have a day out, without your DSC and your DH, to recharge? Spending some time with a RL friend who can offer support might help.

I do think you should be able to request support from your dh but if he's defensive and disengaged, then you need to take support where you can find it.

I'm feeling sad for you because you showed you were vulnerable and asked for support, and he used that vulnerability to criticise your approach to being a step-parent. That's mean. It also changes the issue slightly imo as it moves from him not offering support, to him actively adding to the problem by making an unhelpful observation on top.

"He told me he is disappointed that I find being a stepmother so hard."

That's your problem, right there. Don't let him get away with that shit. What you're finding hard is his lack of support, not being a step-mother per se.

dp is a lot older than me so his dc are actually closer to my age than he is.

That, compounded with Clam's observation, is also your problem. He's lumping you in with them, rather than seeing you as his equal partner.

It's not much different to telling the oldest sibling you expect better of them because they're older than the others.

My DH seems to think I should take complete care of the SDCs when they are with us. I find the only way through it is to get on with work and my own plans. DH is incapable of enforcing any sort of order like bedtimes, manners, hygiene or appropriate TV programmes but if I try I am ignored or derided. Sometimes I feel like hands are closing around my throat. It was loads nicer and easier when they were younger. I guess this is just an age phase to weather.

Have you tried making your own plans? Even stuff like Dr appts.? Library etc. Oh, and fuck his 'disappointment' - he should have thought about the demands of two families, makes me so mad that the Smum should be the one 'that knew what she was getting into' and should be the one bending over backwards.

If you've only been together 4 years in total and you have a toddler and a baby together, would it be reasonable to suggest that you didn't have much of a chance to see the 'real him' before you committed yourself? Sounds to me as though you were recruited to provide certain services and not complain, rather than as an equal life partner.