trying to flirt, help me daters, are 'tells' really obvious?

[MommySlimFigure]

I'm trying to flirt. It's not something that comes naturally to me. But I'm so careful never to let anybody know that I like them, that I haven't had anybody approach me in years. I am wondering how to send men (not just any men, particular ones) subliminal confirmation that I like them, without saying so of course. I have heard about the touch their arm 'tell' but that's way too obvious. I look in to lots of people eyes when I talk to them. So that could be a subtle one. I don't think I toss my hair back. Should I! I was reading something on line a moment ago that rolling up your sleeves is an indication of interest. Please help. I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe I'm extremely unattractive and I'm in denial about being not that bad.

I'd forget subliminal tricks and just be yourself quite honestly. Always helps to show an interest in someone and find them fascinating, eye contact is good as is laughing at their jokes and, if all else fails, say 'I really like you'.

Eye contact is good but not in a stary way.
Giggle rather than guffaw
Be relaxed, easy going, friendly and positive
No one wants to date a moaner, save that for a few dates down the line
Don't talk about exes or 'people you used to know'
Be yourself above all and have fun. You'll be fine

Thanks for replying Cogito. I have name changed but you and I have often agreed in the past so I value your opinion very highly.

What if I said 'I like you' and there was a long stony silence afterwards. Being myself doesn't attract men. None. I don't even get as far as sorting out the wheat from the chaff. None approach me. I like this particular man and he smiles at me, we chat, we prolong the conversation needlessly, but I feel that as is always the case when I like somebody, he won't do anything or ask me out.

So, when I read that back, I realise, I think he already knows I like him, but so far he's done nothing about it and I can't control that.

Thank you for listening Cogito You've been very helpful.

I sound so arrogant there, I value your opinion because you agree with me! No, that's not what I mean, not exactly anyway. I mean you put in to words what I feel.

Purplecircle, thank you! no I never talk about exes. I only really have the one that would have to be mentioned at some point. Children's father. I haven't said a bad word about him because he hasn't come up.

So you've never actually asked him out? 'Would you like to meet up for a drink one evening?' or similar is a fairly well accepted shorthand for 'I really like you'. If you get turned down, that's just a chance you take.

Oh I would be so embarrassed. I want him to ask me out! If I asked him out and there was an awkward silence followed by some poor excuse, I would have to go to the bathroom for a while. I might be sick. I'd feel like my heart was in my mouth. Not from upset, from humiliation and rejection. He's not like Brad Pitt so there is a chance he'd say yes. I wonder how how that chance has to be before I make myself take the risk.

I will wait a few weeks, see if I still want to, and then, before it is too late I will make myself do it.

I always unintentionally gave the game away by asking if he liked particular kinds of music/travelled to a particular country. It was obvious that I was trying to find common interests, I suppose. If someone is interested they'll run with that. I don't know that I ever wanted them to have subliminal confirmation that I liked them, though. That would kill flirting stone cold dead surely - men flirt best when they're not sure what the score is.

touch your lips. if you touch your lips often, men get very.. interested. I discovered this when my lips were really bothering me and I needed to press them gently but repeatedly.

or

look into his eyes then at his lips then back to his eyes. you can look lower down but the message changes slightly...

touching your throat is supposed to be another...

rolling up your sleeves works because it shows your wrists and lower forearms are feeling sensitive - they're a secondary erogenous zone and some people are more conscious of them when they're aroused...

always wear something 'girly'. not a full on girlish outfit, but have a little lace showing, or wear a silk shirt... wear very heavy ear-rings because subconsciously men know that the pull on the ear-lobes is a turn on for women...

Two things. 1. He could be feeling exactly the same way you do and nervous about rejection etc. 2. Even if he said 'no thanks' I'm sure he wouldn't want to humiliate you. How do you know this man? What's the connection?

Sorry HPM but that list made me LOL... Do all of that earlobe pulling and sleeve touching and someone's either going to think you're giving them the come on or calling the odds on the 2:30 at Kempton Park!

Ha ha, I think if I started tugging on my ear lobes and showing a bit of lacy bra, he'd be a bit startled. I can't imagine coming on too strong.

Cogito, you're right, if he weren't interested he'd knock me back kindly. There's a consolation if ever there were one.

He's not a colleague but I know him through work, but in 3 weeks, I won't see him any more.

Cog

I thought the same, sorry humble.

Well how about not actually asking him out as such, but maybe something like "Oh you like comedy films? Well (insert film here) is coming out soon, maybe we can go together to see it? Then you will kind of see by his enthusiasm (or lack of) if he's interested or not.

I suppose I can be quite flirty (sometimes by accident). Asking men a lot of questions about themselves and being interested in the answers is helpful - most people love talking about themselves, and it can turn the conversation onto shared interests. I do it with women as well but no-one assumes
I'm flirting with them! I think showing signs of honestly enjoying their company as well. "how nice to see you!" and lots of smiling (non-idiotic, preferably) is a good step. Most people want to know that someone is interested in and really likes them before making any move, so it's the simple things really. Or have you already done that sort of thing?

Eye contact! Raise one eyebrow. You don't have to smile. Don't try too hard.

and certainly don't show your bra!

I think cog's advice is the only way to go really.
It's definitely better than spending ages being really awkward around him and trying to work out whether he doesn't like you or whether your flirting isn't obvious/successful enough!
You don't see him every day, so if he does say no, you'll have plently of time to get over any embarrassment before the next time you have to speak to him.
Fingers crosses for you :)

Lol at humble pies crap

thank you anndaloozier :)
I had been longing for your attention.
Who are you, by the way?

Let him do a bit of chasing in the conversation and finding common interest as well.

If he knows he's off in 3 weeks and lives miles away, that could be a reason. Or he has a girlfriend! Usually someone asking " do you have a partner?" Or the more subtle " that's an interesting hobby. Is it something you do alone, or do you take your gf/dw along/ is it a shared hobby?"

Or " its a shame you're off in 3 weeks" and then don't say anything. Let him fill the silence!

And just be yourself:)

wink at him with a smile - try not to look sleazy though

Oh go on - ask him. The worst that will happen is that you will be rejected and you'll come on to MN for us to cheer you up. There is NO-ONE in a relationship that hasn't been rejected/had their heart broken/been left feeling wistful. The only way to avoid rejection is to stay out of the game - which you you don't want to. So go for it OP.

I speak as one trying to pluck up the courage to dive back in myself. I just wish I could meet a single, fanciable man so I could get to the stage you're at!

Good luck. We're all rooting for you