Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is blaming your partner for everything abusive?

26 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 16/07/2014 23:34

The constant blaming everything on the other person.

Everything is my fault. He's overweight because of me, tired because of me, never gets anything done because of me, no clean clothes? My fault.

Everything, after a while you start to believe it.

OP posts:
GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 16/07/2014 23:35

I belive it is and I also believe it's a great way to chip away at someone's self asteem and make them feel worthless.

BertieBotts · 16/07/2014 23:38

Of course it is, how could everything be one person's fault?

Even if one partner is abusive (I doubt you are abusive, just giving extreme example) it is not their fault that their partner is overweight or doesn't get things done. They might not be helping, but it is not their fault!

How can it be your fault that he has no clean clothes? Does he also have no arms?

Iflyaway · 16/07/2014 23:38

Yes, it is abusive, blaming you for everything.

Thing is, what are you going to do about it.?

Get in touch with your inner power!

43percentburnt · 16/07/2014 23:42

Yes it is abusive.

Now you have noticed how he blames you, you will pick up on more and more stuff that is 'your fault'. Except it's not your fault.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 16/07/2014 23:59

Well it's my fault he's overweight because I like to have a takeaway at the weekend. Even though he gets a macdonalds breakfast on the way to work, will have chips, Burger King or bacon sandwich for lunch, drinks beer, eats a whole garlic bread to himself with pasta etc I eat cereal or toast and have fruit and a sandwich but like to treat myself at the weekend so it's my fault as if I cooked healthy at the weekend he'd lose weight.

It's generally like that with everything else.

Oh and I'm a crap parent also, reason being I shouted a lot on Sunday. Reason being, in the week ds gave away some stuff at school because he was badgered into it by another child. To 'teach' him p then asked if he could have one of ds toys, ds being ds said yes sure, then p spent the next half an hour winding ds up saying that he was keeping the toy and ds couldn't have it back as that's what happens when you give stuff away and holding the toy up out of ds reach, resulting in ds crying.

P also insists on having a sleep every day, he did on Sunday and afterwards I said I'd gave half an hour (I never sleep in the day usually), and p just sent ds up constantly to ask questions so I didn't end up going to sleep. A few other things like that so all in all it was not a good day and I did end up yelling.

I'm not a bad parent and I pointed out all of the lovely things I do for ds day in day out, also pointed out all the nice places I take ds, to which p replied that I wouldn't have been able to do that/go there without him.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 17/07/2014 00:25

It's him that sounds like the bad parent. No question.

My ex was a blamer, started when he blamed me for him getting a lower than expected degree. I knew nothing of red flags, it took decades of my life to realise that my misery was not "merely" due to my depressive illness.

GarlicJulyKit · 17/07/2014 02:17

I pointed out all of the lovely things I do

Just don't. It's a VERY good idea to point out to yourself how ace you are in all respects, to post it here, and to seek the company of friends who give you lots of positive feedback.

But don't bother with him. It'll be a miserable, fruitless exercise - you can't change his view. His view isn't founded on fact, so why would facts change it? The more you protest, the more you get blanked, and you start wondering if you do actually exist!

Just go "Oh, really Hmm" and "Hmm, pity you feel that way." Then dump him. I mean, he evidently thinks you're not good enough for him, so set him free to find the woman he deserves!

CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 17/07/2014 02:49

He's a cocklodging knob op. He needs kicking to the kerb. Plenty of us vipers will hold your hand and be there while you do it. Both in person (if you'd like) and online.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/07/2014 03:35

As much as I hate to scream LTB, I think you need to consider it. It doesn't appear as if you are getting anything positive out of this relationship, but you ARE getting a whole lot of grief.

Take some time to sit down and really think about what YOU want and whether or not you think you'd ever get that from him.

Thumbwitch · 17/07/2014 03:39

Yes, it sounds abusive in the context you've described. He's constantly putting you down, reducing your self-esteem and trying to make you believe stuff that isn't true - that's emotional abuse.

Is he the father of your DS? Could you throw him out easily? Because I think you should, if it's relatively to split.

Thumbwitch · 17/07/2014 03:41

..relatively easy to split.

MexicanSpringtime · 17/07/2014 04:19

Not very helpful, but I was married very young and used to blame so much on my husband. Then a year after our divorce I found most of the things I thought were his fault were still happening, duh!

AA says that alcoholics tend to blame other people all the time, but I find that a lot of people blame other people all the time unless they are sufficiently mature. Of course if everything is someone else's fault you are missing out on loads of opportunities to learn and improve.

ILoveTIFFANY · 17/07/2014 08:31

Honestly op, there's a good life out there for you. What's the point in persevering here? He doesn't like you much does he?

doziedoozie · 17/07/2014 08:53

Your DP sounds a pretty pathetic individual. He obviously can't control his eating (we all struggle but don't ridiculously blame our DPs), he can't even find clean clothes to put on ?????WTF, he deliberately winds up and make your DS cry ???????ditto, he has a sleep everyday????? is he 86 FFS.

He might be depressed but decides to blame you for everything in a very nasty way.

Remember the mantra- you can't change other people you can only change yourself. So see a solicitor OP.

Meerka · 17/07/2014 08:56

Is blaming your partner for everything abusive?

i dont know about abusive. that word gets overused.

But it's deeply immature and deeply unpleasant. Either he grows up quick, or find someone a bit less whiney-6-year-old to share your life with.

People who blame others for everything can't be relied on when the shit hits the fan either, which it usually does at some point or other.

and he's horrible to your poor son.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 08:57

My response to someone like this would be that if I'm such a crap human being, why are they still around? Hmm Yes, he's emotionally abusive, he's a bully and you therefore have two choices. Stand up to him or reject him out of hand.

Original poster
Pyjamaramadrama · 17/07/2014 09:12

I know he blames me for everything but it's difficult to explain.

Example ds asks him to play football in the park, dp steps in dog muck and his response is to blame me, 'I knew we shouldn't have been playing on the grass and now I've stepped in this'.

If he's driving carelessly and has a near miss it's my fault because I'm 'making' him drive after he's already done enough miles at work.

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 17/07/2014 09:18

Gosh - what an arse! My DH and I have a running joke that 'everything' is my fault (anything in the house up to bad weather etc etc) apart from on Mothers Day.....the thought that this might NOT be a joke is flipping worrying.

Meerka · 17/07/2014 09:18

doesnt sound difficult to explain at all.

he just wants a whipping girl, or else he doesnt like you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 09:23

Blaming other people means taking zero responsibility for your own actions. Taking no responsibility for anything that goes wrong means they think they are perfect and it's everyone else with the problem. It's selfish and delusional. If you're in a relationship with someone who is determined to a) set themselves up as perfect and b) blame you for their inadequacies they are telling you that they are not going to change

Does he blame others in other areas of his life? Are people standing in the way of his success or 'out to get him'? Does he thing he deserves special treatment?

doziedoozie · 17/07/2014 11:39

Maybe he has self-esteem issues and knows deep down his has not made a great success of life, or doesn't have the courage to make changes. So rather than face this weakness has developed this 'it's all her fault' idea, which let's him off facing the truth.

Either way, you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. One change could be an honest discussion where you tell him (do not debate, just tell him) you are very unhappy with how he behaves and will be forced to leave if he continues in this manner. End of. Don't argue about it as it will then lose it's point.

Then see if anything improves.

Counselling might help him but if he denies there is anything wrong he won't go.

bauhausfan · 17/07/2014 11:50

My ex was like that. Once I asked him to pick up some meds for me. He parked on a double yellow and got a ticket - my fault. The washing machine broke - it was my fault (I checked with the repair man and it wasn't). He didn't have a degree (while I was doing one) - my fault etc etc etc I didn't leave him - he left me ' to travel the world and do all the things I prevented him from doing' - he is still in the same place we lived in, unmarried, no kids, (16 years on) - I'm in a different country, married with kids. People like just suck the life out of you.

Quitelikely · 17/07/2014 12:01

I have blamed my weight gain on my husband because He love take always so I've beefed up slightly. I do say 'look what your doing to me' etc but its all in jest. I certainly am not an abuser. And if I got a ticket collecting something for him I might say something along the lines of 'well if I wasn't doing your favour' again in jest!

Sometimes it's about how these things are perceived.

Squidstirfry · 17/07/2014 12:30

I presume while he blames you for everything bad, he also takes credit for things that go well?

Eg "We had a great day thanks to me. This went wrong because of you"

As PP said, now you are 'awakened' to this behaviour, you will be able to see it in a detached way and not believe a word of it.

Get rid!

pamele · 25/07/2020 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread