Don't understand why partners say such hurtful things about us to the OW

[MissPennySweet]

I'm sure many of you know my husband has cheated on me and our relationship is now over.

I can't get out of my head all the awful things he's said about me to the OW; I'm fat, ugly, shit in bed etc.

I'd never have dreamt of saying any of that about him! Why do they do it?

To justify their behaviour, to the OW and to themselves. No one wants to admit they're doing it purely because they're a selfish prick. It's much easier for him to make out like you deserve it because you're not worthy of him rolls eyes

Because if you are not fat, ugly, shit in bed, etc etc then that means that you are nice normal caring wife who happens to be married to an utter shit who will happily cheat on her.

The MM and the OW both need to believe that his reasons for cheating were totally justified otherwise they both have accept that he is a bastard that, chances are, will cheat on her too. It wont stop it happening but they can at least kid themselves for a while.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is about him, not you. This has to be his new truth, it has to be in order to justify everything they are doing.

If he ever says anything like this to your face I suggest you say "Well we both that that isnt true, but if it helps you sleep at night, believe what you like".

Yep, its to justify it.

Because if you were so nice, he would be arsehole for cheating.

But if you a mean and raging hellbeast who offers no sex, then thats poor man for having to deal with that.

alpha said it far more concisely than me!

I agree it is justifying giving themselves permission to cheat. They need to believe it, and have it validated back by someone who also wants to buy into that version.

because if they told the truth they wouldn't be able to live with themselves - I mean they couldn't admit that they were unfaithful because they are selfish, flawed, stupid and just not very nice. If they make out the wife is at fault then they can pretend they are a hero who only stayed for the kids, out of pity, to protect their children from the harridan of a wife, etc...

Its basically a sob story to get woman to pity them, once a man has the pity, he can keep going and say "She doesnt understand me, not like, you're so wonderful" Reeling the woman in.

Try not to be hurt, he will be saying it about OW in the future. It's him.

Has he said to you that he has "been unhappy for years" and that you didnt care or even notice? Has he brought up incidents that prove you didnt care about him or were wrong?

He is rewriting history, google it, it is so common there are more google hits than you could read in a lifetime.

It is pretty much the script and its almost like for certain men its built in, ready for them to use.

It's all bollocks to make themselves feel better. That's all. I know it's hard but don't pay attention to it.

My ex (who also left me for ow) told me that living with me was like "living with a nice family but that's about it" and that I was "one step away from turning into my mother" (who I despise and is a raging idiot).

So isn't that lovely.

They say whatever they can to justify themselves.

I don't know... IF I were an OW I wouldn't feel very kindly disposed to somebody that said this about their partner. I mean, it's not up there with 'she hit me' or something that actually would have a bearing, is it?

She's fat, ugly, shit in bed...? Even if these were true, it wouldn't make the woman less of a person, would it? It wouldn't excuse what he was doing in any way and I'd actually feel less towards him.

How do you know he said these things to his new girlfriend? How has this got back to you?

Cogito she found his emails to the OW on the computer. They were awful.

Cogito - mentioned in my other thread that I read his emails. Unfortunately it's also got back to me through mutual friends that he's been slagging me off.

It's a pretty pathetic, not to say stupid, man that thinks running down his current partner will make him attractive to a new one. It's a pretty silly woman that a) buys the bullshit and b) doesn't realise she'll get the very same treatment in due course.

My ex slagged me off to the OW and girlfriends after her. One girlfriend told me all he said.

Its not me, I just had the misfortune to have a child with a massive twat!

Its not you OP, he is just a MASSIVE twat!!!

She's 18.All of her friends are 18.He's trying to impress and they're lapping it up.He's a pig.You are so well rid of him.

When I split up from my ex due to his affair, I found what I call his 'hate list'. It's a spreadsheet with a fucking looooong list of all my faults and what is wrong with me from his point of view. A few points really are true, they are faults of mine that I hold my hands up to. (eg I'm clumsy). A few points are true but not something I personally see as a fault/problem. (eg I went away for a week and left him to cook for himself instead of getting all his meals ready for him in advance!) Most of the items are twisting the truth so much they are comical. (eg - 'hates old people', because once he suggested going on a coach tour holiday and I said I didn't want to because they are mainly for old people).

It was hurtful to read. But he had to build up a picture of me in his mind as the baddie, a horrible person, someone who deserved to be cheated on. Thereby giving himself permission to cheat and justifying it to himself. He was doing something he knew was wrong, and wanted to make himself feel ok about it.

This is what your ex is doing now. It's really not about you, it's about him. He's just making himself look bad, not you.

Read my husband's emails to his OW at the start of the month and they are just the same. The technical name for what they are struggling with is "cognitive dissonance": the clash between - on one hand - your image of yourself as being basically a nice person, and - on the other hand - the nasty things you are currently doing. Your brain wriggles around and comes up with an explanation for why you are doing those nasty things when you are really a nice person. Of course! Must be because that nasty woman/man made me do it. So at the moment they write that stuff they are totally convinced it is true. And obviously much of it will be based on truths or real events, just twisted round from the way they used to see it. So a lot of it will ring true in some ways, making it hurt even more.

I've had three weeks to digest it and it still hurts, but somewhat less. Right now they both look pretty pathetic and deluded from where I sit. In one email she says she'd never (like I did, apparently) have children with someone she didn't love and trust. She wants children with him as he'd make a great dad. Him, the trustworthy great dad who texts his mistress about having to do boring family stuff with his children. Their irony sensors are evidently stubbornly switched off.

Because they are prats. They will say anything to the OW if they think it will sound convincing and get them more sex/power/whatever it is they want.

My Ex told me he 'only cheated physically, never emotionally'.
Oh well that's alright then!

I saw her, she was skanky- horrible thin hair, not pretty, no dress sense at all , wore stockings and suspeonders so people could see them at work- she was a teacher!

He said 'She's desperate. She never wants anything from me. She doesn't have any expectation of me. She's grateful for anything'.

He called her 'Miss Place she came from'. eg Whitby. Never used her name.

I kicked him out. He went on seeing her for a couple of months and still never called her by her name to our friends. She was still 'Miss Place Name'

When I think now how arrogant and uncaring and disrespectful he was to any woman, I can't believe I ever put up with it for a second.

My lovely DH is the complete opposite.