H has accused me of neglecting the kids

[knackeredknitter]

We are having marriage counselling, and he has said that he does not want to split up because I am unable to meet the children's individual needs.
When asked why, his reason was that I have not vacuumed upstairs all week, and this is unhealthy. I was gobsmacked. So was the counsellor.
He just repeated it to me again, and added that I caused a nappy rash in our ds (it was a mild redness which cleared up in a day), and that when ds3 stayed in hospital for an operation on his broken arm, I would never have coped with that.
I can't believe he can be quite so malicious
So angry, am mentally calling him cuntface as he sleeps.

Forget the counselling just leave the fucker

He sounds a bit unhinged

He sees you as a domestic appliance And hes using the counselling to be more abusive LTB

YOU haven't vacuumed upstairs? Why didn't he then if it was so unhealthy and why didn't he mention it before now if it's so bad.

YOU caused nappy rash? Why isn't he changing the nappy and/or why hasn't be bought it up before now?

As for the broken arm and you being unable to handle it... did I miss the part in your OP where you fell apart and he had to clean up the pieces?

I'm sorry but these thoughts and comments are a sign that he has no respect for you and in my opinion it's unlikely he ever will. I'd LTB. You don't need that sort of negativity.

What is the point of sharing your life with someone who makes you feel like you do now ?

What did the gobsmacked counsellor say?

I wouldn't attend counselling with him again. Control freak blamers only use the tools/info gained there as an excuse to stay in your life and wear you down. Why couldn't he hoover upstairs, is he a King?! He is manipulative and malicious. & will eventually make your life a misery. You can do better than years and years of that.

Exactly how petty is this person.....?

Why are bothering with counselling? What reason is there for wanting to salvage a relationship with someone as ridiculous as this?

I mean, if you're thinking of the children, then surely you're better off away from him, so that his pettiness has no chance of being passed on down to them?

Has your counsellor suggested having some single sessions with each or either of you? Its quite common in couples counselling I believe.

If not can you ask for a solo session?

One good thing to come out of the counselling is confirmation that you are married to an irrational, unreasonable person. If you're undergoing counselling because you're in two minds about whether to LTB or not, I'd have thought this made your decision clearer.

May I ask what led you to attend counselling in the first place. If a partner is emotionally or verbally abusive joint counselling is not usually recommended. Did you initiate a split and he suggested counselling?

Has your dh mentioned anything about what has been discussed in the counselling since? What you said or what the counsellor said or implied about your behaviour within the marriage? I really hope that the counselling isn't a way of him making you realise you need him and cannot cope alone.

Could he be angling for the kids to live with him if you split, or for you to not leave him?

It may be wise to undergo individual counselling first.

It certainly sounds like he is storing them up! Also please write down all these examples (and any others) so you can remember them if you ever need them. I assume he hoovered upstairs immediately and lovingly tended to babies bottom with plenty of nappy off time (including the risk of pee and poo everywhere) as soon as he realised.

Accusing your wife/partner of being a bad mother is far too common as it tends to hit where it hurts. It's something that most people would hate to be accused of and makes them doubt their capability. Be cautiously aware.

Never have I seen a more clear case for LTB advice.

Buckle down he'll get nasty but for your own sanity & the kids welfare get out. Forget counselling!!

Ask yourself what sort of role model is he to your children? Do you have family and/ pr friends for immediate support?

Is there a reason why he is unable to use a Hoover? What an idiot!

What a twat. Does he have am ulterior motive though?

I have no direct experience but if it's going to get nasty and he's going to throw round words like 'neglectful', then I'd be starting a very neutral and evidence based document listing all the things you do to dispute any such claim. Do you still see a Hv who could provide supporting evidence if you ever needed it?

Forewarned is forearmed.

Xpost with 43percent. Hope it works out for you OP.

Sounds to me like he is just doing you down to make himself look better when in actual fact as others have said if the place needed hoovering why did he not do it! Also it's only a week. I bet some people never ever hoover upstairs! I aim for once a week but don't always manage it. Looking after dc is more important than hoovering! I don't find upstairs floors get that dirty anyway!

Not hoovered all week! he'd better not come here then

Apart from the fact that he is absolutely everything others have said (and I am not usually a LTB type of poster) I think he is wrong that it is unhealthy not to Hoover once a week unless your children have a dust allergy. He may not like the dust ( in which case he can bloody do it himself) but that's different.

Gobsmacked. What an Arse!!! You know what to do. Just do it.

Seriously? What an asshole. He obviously has very little respect for you.

How are you set up financially. If you asked him to leave would he go?