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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Extracmarital friendship about to turn into love affair

36 replies

Pussycat02 · 03/05/2014 20:28

Hi just wondered if anyone has been in my situation and what the outcome was. Iv been married for 23 years and last year met a divorced guy who I kinda new when my kids were at nursery with his. Over the past year we've got very close texting cuddling meeting for lunch coffee etc and he's all I think about. He's a decent guy dosent want to break up my marraige won't sleep with me until I'm 100 percent sure I want to leave my marraige for him. Has anyone left a marraige this way , my husband is more like a brother to me and I feel I have to make a decision

OP posts:

Littlefish · 03/05/2014 20:30

Leave your husband first, ans then make a decision whether you want a relationship with this man. You are already being unfaithful to your husband, so you may as well leave him.

eatmydust · 03/05/2014 20:30

Decent guys don't get close up and cuddling with married women with kids.

sarahquilt · 03/05/2014 20:31

I think you need to stop and think. Don't be too hasty to throw your marriage away. You might regret it.

meditrina · 03/05/2014 20:31

It's fine to end a marriage to gap have outgrown.

It might have been better had to done so before yo became quite so close to your OM (for the level of connection and start of physical contact would be a terrible devastation for most spouse's).

But you know you have to make a choice.

We cannot tell you which one to make. But just as to we're capable of making the choices that brought to to this situation, to can make the choices about what you want to do next.

My main bit of advice is that you make your choice and act on it as swiftly as possible.

LEMmingaround · 03/05/2014 20:32

so you are willing to break up your children's family for this man? A decent guy does not want someone to break up their marriage for them, unless of course they are desperately unhappy. are you unhappy in your marriage or has your head been turned?

jkklpu · 03/05/2014 20:33

You sound very passive in all this. You are responsible for your own actions. Is he divorced after another affair? You're deluding yourself.

meditrina · 03/05/2014 20:35

Sorry for the many typos - here's what I meant on the worse ones:

"end a marriage that you have outgrown"

"... just as you're capable of making the choices ..." "... brought you to this..." "... you can make choices..."

lunar1 · 03/05/2014 20:35

I think you should be a decent human being and get rid of your om, make a decision about your marriage and finalise things. Rather than being a calculating cheat who is making sure she has everything she wants while destroying your husband and children's lives.

Original poster

Pussycat02 · 03/05/2014 20:36

I don't think my head has been turned this friendship has built up slowly and has just started getting more intimate. My kids are 18 and 21, I just wondered if anyone else has been through same dilemma and if it's worked out ok ,

OP posts:

Vivacia · 03/05/2014 20:41

If you care so little for your husband to have gone this far, surely you don't need any reassurance that these things work out ok?

meditrina · 03/05/2014 20:43

It could work out well for 1 in 100 or 99 in 100 and still tell you nothing about whether it is right for you.

Though I hope you do find the anecdotes you seek, your answers need to come from within.

ClubName · 03/05/2014 20:49

I don't think it's as black and white as pp have suggested.

I think it's entirely possible for these kind if feelings to sneak up on perfectly decent people who a few months ago would never have dreamed of such behaviour and who would have condemned it in others. You and he feel torn and it almost seems like cheating is the kindest thing to do - if no-one finds our no-one gets hurt.

What i can tell you with absolute certainty is that , if you and om are decent people, this Will bring you nothing but misery

LEMmingaround · 03/05/2014 20:55

are you unhappy with your DH?

Bigviking · 03/05/2014 21:01

From personal experience no, it won't work. What you have with OM isn't real, it's fantasy at the moment. And OM will be clouding your judgement of DH. My advice would be to step away from OM, take a proper look at your marriage and then make a decision. Once you cross the line there's no going back and if it's the wrong decision, misery all round.

Sorry to sound so negative!

magoria · 03/05/2014 21:12

Of course you only think of your H like a brother you are busy putting all of your emotional energies into another man.

If you want to end your relationship do so but not to hop straight to another.

Take some time to be alone for you and your children to adjust before dragging them straight into something else.

If it is meant to be he will still be there in 6 months.

Difficultdecisions · 03/05/2014 21:44

I have name changed for this but feel in a similar situation as the OP. I have not felt fulfilled in my marriage for a long time but have stayed for DC sake. They are getting older now and teenagers and don't particularly get on with their father. I have very recently met a new colleague at work who I am very attracted to. He is very different from my DH. We get on well but haven't taken it any further than chatting. I am trying to talk some sense into myself and stop this before it becomes a mess but it is making me see that I have been unhappy for a while and that I will need to make some decisions about my commitment. I hadn't looked for this relationship and feel very confused by my feelings.

Sorry for hijacking the thread.

jessiaubrey · 03/05/2014 22:33

Hi there,

Just thought I would throw in my experience for you.

I was nearly 18 when my mother cheated on my father, they weren't happy for a long time and I knew this and I was actually happy when they did. But I've always felt quite abandoned by my mother and very upset about what she did.

I've been in counselling for a few years now and I've come to realise that I felt that she cheated on me and my sister too.

I've tried very hard to forgive my mother and understand why she did what she did but I can't, and sadly I don't think I ever will.

blueshoes · 03/05/2014 22:49

OP, you said this guy does not want to break up your marriage. Are you sure that if you leave your husband he actually wants something more permanent with you than an occasional shag?

doziedoozie · 03/05/2014 23:07

It sounds as if you are just going to pack a bag and move to the new partner and that's it.
There will be the fall out from your DCs, your DH adapting to being single again, your new partner's DCs, how the finances/house will be shared, your pension arrangements etc etc

It would sound an arrangement with more chance of success if you had tried to save your marriage, failed, then separated, divorced and finally got together with a new partner, not the other way round.

piginpoo · 03/05/2014 23:13

My DH has just told me he has had an affair - we have been married 20 years in July. He too got very close to someone over a period of time before taking it a stage further. He chose to do this and is now suffering the consequences. DD today told him she hates him. He probably would have described our relationship like yours. You are the person breaking up your marriage and if you have any decency in you you should give your DH the opportunity to address what you think may be wrong before you continue any further. No doubt your DH will have picked up on your emotional absence over the past year.

Cantremembermyid · 03/05/2014 23:23

Been there. Don't do it, it's uglier than you think.

beezlebop · 04/05/2014 00:36

Yuck how sleazy.

Mrscaindingle · 04/05/2014 00:43

Like piginpoo I have been on the receiving end of this when my OH of 19 years ended our marriage last year because he had become close to another (younger) woman.
The fall out from this has been massive, do not under estimate the pain caused by an emotional affair it is still an affair in my book and in many ways much more damaging than an affair purely based on sex.
DS1 has not spoken to his Dad in 8 months and tells me he no longer has a Dad which breaks my heart as this is never what I planned for our children and I just hope he is not too damaged in the long run.

By all means end your marriage if you no longer love your husband but do not do it just because you have a newer more exciting man waiting in the wings. Your husband can never compete with that, you really need to end both relationships first. Somehow I have a feeling you won't do that though...

Terrortree · 04/05/2014 00:47

You are angling for stories that end 'okay'. You are actively not wanting to hear the stories that aren't okay.

I find that quite telling

'Want' does not always get.

neiljames77 · 04/05/2014 00:57

You're obviously going to do something with this bloke so end it with your husband first before you do anything. If you were happy, this wouldn't even cross your mind.

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